A
male
age
36-40,
*IUav8er
writes:I have a very difficult situation that I have not been able to get any solid advice on. First, i will start out with some background on my relationship.I met her last summer, she was a mutual friend of a friend. We hit it off almost immediately, but didnt actually start dating until about a month later when I asked her out. Everything was perfect, although she was having a hard time getting over a previous relationship and had low self esteem because she cheated on this guy for almost a year... her excuse was that she felt too guilty to just dump him. This was the first sign that she had problems with relationships, but i overlooked it because I was completely infatuated with her. We had so much in common and got along so well, that I would have been more than happy to simply be "real" friends with her (I say that because many times using the word friendship is used by many to describe a relationship that doesnt really work out).Anyway, fast forward a couple months. We are in a serious relationship, and I am finding that she is becoming increasingly annoyed with my work schedule and just overall being very criticize towards me. All the while she tells me that she gets upset because of her birth control hormones or whatever, i accept that because I feel so strongly towards her. Then out of the blue one day, the topic of previous relationships comes up and she mentions the "love of her life". WOW. i just dont know how to handle this new information. It turns out that she is deeply in love with a guy she met over a year prior, but he will not be in a relationship with her because of his religion (he is a Jehovas Witness).This thing about her "true love" which will never amount to anything really hurt me and we eventually drew apart because of it about 4 months ago. I just couldnt handle being second in her heart. So I broke it off. I also moved out of town for my job and live 4 hours away now. Now today. I ended up looking her up on facebook about a month ago and added her as a friend. She called me the next night crying about how her boyfriend she hooked up with after I left was such an asshole etc etc. and that she was done with bad relationships with bad guys. She also asked if I was ever around and if I wanted to get together for coffee and catch up. Being the sucker that I am, i accepted. I remember how much I like this girl and set up a date with her.Getting together with her brought back a flood of memories and feelings, It felt so perfect to be seeing her again, and I KNOW she felt the same for me... That night on the phone, we spent almost 4 hours talking about life and we both came to the conclusion that we were really perfect for each other and that we should give our relationship another shot. The next weekend we saw each other again and it was perfect. I did have to tell her that I cannot compete with anyone else and that if this was going to work, she can no longer have another "love of her life" competing for her heart. She agreed and had already called this ither guy to cut off all ties. She didnt even want to be friends with him any more. I was so happy, as she had been close with him for so long even though he lives in another state and wouldnt date her because of his religion.... I dont get why some women put up with guys like this, but she did. I was so happy that it was finally over!Now here is my dilemma. After a month of being back together and falling more and more in love with her, she comes to me with a major problem. She has recently been diagnosed with several STD's. This was a huge shock to me and her... but I want to be there for her and support her. I am trying so hard, but the nature of the STD's is pretty bad. She has HPV, Herpes type 2 and Hepatitis C. The herpes tests have been inconclusive, and she has no symptoms, but her doctor is saying she must be retested in 2 months to be sure. The part that I am having a hard time with is that she had sex with 4 other guys after me, all unprotected. I dont know how to deal with this. She is so perfect for me in every other way, but this behavior and these STD's are VERY hard for me to accept. I stay up at nights crying about this, as I really do love her, but this type of test so early on in our relationship is too much for me to handle on my own. I dont know what to do or how to accept it. Can anyone give me advice on what I should do? I hate to throw away a relationship that I feel so strongly about over all of this, She really needs me now as she has not taken all of this very well. At the same time, her risky behavior is at fault here and I just dont know what to do... please help!
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facebook, her ex, herpes, moved out, self esteem, std Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (8 June 2010):
 You've gotten yourself into a Seinfeld-situation. Stay with her a while - for heaven's sake, avoid sex, and break-up when she's healthier.
A
male
reader, SIUav8er +, writes (7 June 2010):
SIUav8er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, my planned break up didnt really go to well the other day. She went absolutely crazy. She went as far as saying that she couldnt live without me and that if I left, she would quit her career and move back home with her mother. She even implied suicide... I am scared for her and to see her in such a vulnerable position really had an effect on me. I couldnt just turn my back on a situation like that. Im not saying this just because I love this person, it would be hard to simply walk away from any human who was in such a state of suffering. So... I was weak and didnt dump her because of my own guilt. i know that is terribly weak and I feel kinda ridiculous about it right now. Anyway, I feel I have made the situation worse now by leading her on yet again. I need you guy's advice on the best way to break it off with her without her doing something irrational. Should I call her mother? I am really at a loss of what to do here!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2010): '.......She is so perfect for me in every other way, but this behavior and these STD's are VERY hard for me to accept.." this woman was cheating on her bf for 1 year , right? so her sexual past and present does not bother you. this woman will never be faithful to you. she knows that you are running around like a love sick poodle and that you will still take her back, sloppy seconds that she is, without any questions. love is blind but dammit HER MULTIPLE STDS SHOULD BE AN EYE OPENER.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): wow u are blinded by love and it seems like u are trying to minimise to a large extent the seriouness behind this issue. 3 stds!that sounds pathatological.
i think that a lot of these reades are spot on in describing her on a psychological level. personally, i think that she doesnt love u and is taking advantage of the love u have for her. it does sound like shes the type to reaffirm her self value via her relationships. and unlike what other posters have sugested i do think that she actually meant it when she said she felt strongly for this jehova witness guy. i think she knows that u love her and shes simply exploiting that. i assume ure the type of guy whose easy to open up to. u probably are very caring, attentive, considerate and u try as best as u can to be understanding towards her issues.
which may have given u more of a friend/parental role.
maybe one of the reasons u are so into her is because deep down on an unconscious level u know that she doesnt feel as strongly towards u. i think she is too problematic to deal with and will just consequently lead u into feel more sad than happy.
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A
male
reader, SIUav8er +, writes (4 June 2010):
SIUav8er is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the great advice. I have just had such an uneasy feeling about this whole relationship when I found out about the STD's, and the crazy behavior she did after we split the first time around... its really hard, but I am going to step back from her yet again and try to move on. Again, you guys are great and I really appreciate the advice! Thanks!
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A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (4 June 2010):
I suppose you like her and all that, so the only way forward is to stick with her through the treatment (Is Hep C completely curable? Need to check with a Doctor). Still, she seems very irresponsible in her behavior. Are you sure she deserves you?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (4 June 2010):
 In the four months since you and she parted company she went ahead and had unprotected sex with four other men with the result that you now could be infected. Have you got tested? If not, you need to do so right away.
Anyway, sorry this has been such a roller coaster relationship. From what you describe about her previous boyfriend - the one she cheated on because she couldn't bear to dump him - and the Jehovah's Witness she was so infatuated with, she really doesn't know how to value herself and how to behave responsibly when with a boyfriend.
Yes, she has a whole lot of trouble on her plate now as a consequence, and is going to have to deal with it one way or another. I think you need to take a big step back and be a friend, NOT a boyfriend at this point. She just isn't mature enough to handle having a boyfriend. In your shoes I'd encourage her to get counseling to deal with all these issues - which probably come from her low self-esteem - and do whatever the doctor tells her in treating her STD's. If you care for her, this is probably the best way to assist her, without putting up with any immature behavior.
You have to look out for your own well-being. Upset as you must be, you can't let this drag you down.
I don't know what else to tell you. I hope this is of some assistance. Expect other aunts and uncles will weigh in with some good thoughts.......
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A
female
reader, Plexi  +, writes (4 June 2010):
 You sound like such a sweet guy!!!!!!!!!! You are not a sucker, you are a man in love. Hun, she disrespects herself and you with this kind of behavior. The "love of her life" comment was meant to hurt you and cause a reaction. This is a girl with very low self esteem who confuses sex with love and is attracted to men who don't want her because she doesn't love herself. She may want to consider consulting with a naturopathic doctor who will help her regain and maintain her health. Cut all contact with her, take some time for yourself and find a nice girl who respects herself and her body and who will appreciate you for the man you are!
p.s. if you may want to get tested as well, you never know how long she's been carrying some of these STD's.........some viruses can remain dormant in the body and you wouldn't have been able to tell.
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