A
female
age
41-50,
*nnabunny1977
writes:Please, please could someone help me?I have been in a relationship with my husband for 11 years and married for 5.He has always had difficulties - he doesn't like watching me eat or drink, he doesn't want to sleep in the same room as me because of my breathing (not snoring!), he doesn't like my smell - hair or sweat against synthetic clothing, to name but a few. All these things make him really stressed and I have always tried to comply with his needs because I love him and I didn't want to see him suffer. It does actually hurt me to think that he can't bear these things about me but I've just dealt with it. He also suffers from very bad depression, which has been very difficult to live with but I've tried my best to support him. If I do something that he doesn't like, he can get very angry and abusive. When he's in this state, he belittles me, ridicules me and puts me down, pointing out and exaggerating all my bad points and telling me that I'll never succeed. He is always sorry afterwards but the hurt remains with me even though I do forgive him.Three years ago, he gave up his job in anger. It was well paid but extremely stressful. After the initial shock, I told him to try and recover and that I would work to support us both until he managed to get on his feet again. I worked incredibly hard (he did pay for half of the household bills with his savings) so I only paid for my half of the bills, the food and things for the house and clothes etc. He spent two years trying to build up a hobby with the hope of turning professional but in March this year, it all collapsed and it is now not possible. In hindsight, it was not a good idea to put all his eggs in one basket and now he's 55 and finding it very difficult to get a job - it doesn't help that he dismisses most jobs for one reason or another and certainly doesn't want to work for the minimum wage. I believe beggars shouldn't be choosers and he should do something just to give himself some self-respect and get out of the house and bring some money in - his saving are almost gone now.Last year, I felt it was the right time (biologically) to have a child. He seemed fairly happy in himself at the time I suggested trying for a baby. He has known I have wanted a child and he seemed to go along with me although I knew he had problems with the idea. He would always say, 'not while I'm working in this job' (his old job), or, 'I need to find a job first', which he hasn't made any significant effort to do (apart from pursue his hobby - unrealistic in my opinion). He suggested we get couples counselling so that he could address his worries about becoming a father. We went to 2 sessions but he didn't turn up to the 3rd because he says he's fed up of counselling (he had 10 years of psychotherapy when he was in work). I felt gutted because the counselling was supposed to be for us, not just for him.At this point, I just want to say that I've never asked anything of him in this relationship. It really has all been about him and his difficulties. I felt that it was my time to have a child, which is something that is so very close to my heart - a calling in life.It became clear at the beginning of the year that he was not going to give me a child and I fell into a deep depression. I couldn't get out of bed when I had days off work, I cried at work, I couldn't talk to him or look at him. I was devastated. I felt that the relationship was unequal - that I had really worked over the years to cope with him and his depression, his anger and his bizarre difficulties with noise and smells. I went to visit my parents for three weeks to get some space and then I was away for work too.During this time (the past 2 years), he had been on antidepressants but he came off them suddenly, which sent him into a very strange place emotionally and physically.On returning home from my parents house and he suddenly burst into a rage because of the smell of my clothes (my parents had washed them in a different washing liquid to his). I offered to change my clothes but he continues to shout at me and told me that I didn't understand depression. By this time, I'd had enough and I shouted back at him for the first time, telling him I couldn't cope anymore. His reaction was to lunge at me and he pushed me over.I left for a month because I was frightened and then I went back to try and sort things out. I said that I loved him and would help him but that I need to live apart - close to each other but apart so I could live in peace and not worry about my smell (I don't smell bad by the way - just of soap, shampoo or deodorant), making a noise etc. But, he can't afford to support himself so I told him he really needed to get a job - pull out all the stops as it were.He still dismissed almost every job that came up and I got depressed. I then found out that he'd taken £1200 from my savings and spent it. I became depressed again.We did manage to get some fun back for a couple of days this July but then I found sexual, loving and caring texts on his phone to another girl - he'd disguised her number under a male name. I rang the number and discovered that it was a young woman (21 but she looks about 15) who I had flagged up as a problem almost two years ago when she started trying to tell him her very personal and explicit problems. I had said at the time that I thought he should suggest she see a therapist and not to get involved - we had issues that we needed to deal with in our marriage - I didn't want his energy going to someone else - it just didn't feel right. It did turn out to be her and he's been secretly communicating with her for at least six months and ended up asking her to sleep with him only a couple of weeks before I found the messages. He said that she turned him down but until then had been very suggestive.I was gutted. He hasn't wanted sex with me for years saying that he has problems in that department.It took a while to get any truth out of him and so I looked at his address book - he password protects his computer and was carrying his phones around with him like a dog with a bone so his address book was a last resort.I discovered that he had lots of email addresses that I did not know about and that he has been signing up to dating sites although he's only posted a profile - he hasn't responded to messages (at least on the sites I know about). I also discovered that between 2007 and mid-2010 he has spent £5000 talking to sex webcam girls. I am devastated. He doesn't want to work, he doesn't get up until the afternoon, he sits at his computer all day long, he's started drinking (he's an ex alcoholic), he has spent his energy with this young woman, he has watched me slave away and do all the house work and cooking. What do I do? I also found out that he's either bought her a phone or he tops up her phone with credit - I don't know the truth but there's something dodgy there.Since confronting him about this girl, he has applied for more jobs and has started making an effort with the housework and does seem remorseful but I feel hurt, angry and I just don't know whether I have it in me anymore to continue with the relationship. I tried to leave yesterday but I felt guilty, there is still some love there but I'm not in love with him. Also, he can't afford to run a home on his own because he has no job. Also, how much of this is depression - should you leave someone who is ill?I'm at my wits end. He also keeps saying that he believes he has no future and one day he will kill himself. I believe him.I just don't know what to do.Any thoughts would be so very welcome.Thank you for reading.
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alcoholic, at work, depressed, money, puts me down, text, trying for a baby Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Hello,
I kind of know the feeling of being together with someone because i felt sorry. I think that is your issue. This man is waisting your life and doesn't care. He stole your money he went on sex sites and so on. Why do you let this happen to yourself. I don't know you but by your writing and what you told in that text I think you area a very supportive woman and being very honest he does not deserve you at all. He is using you for the sake of using someone. He knows you would do almost anything for him and that's why he is still with you I think. You should leave him, doesn't matter wether he is capable of supporting himself or not. As far as I know you are not his mother and he should stand on his own two feet. You deserve to be happy again have a real sexlife with someone who doesn't moan about your smell and your noises and just adores them. I think you have given up too much for that man.
I know I am only 15 and you mite find it rediculous that I posted and answer to your question but I just want to help even if I don't have that much of a life expierence.
Regards
A
male
reader, Universe Man  +, writes (13 August 2010):
Wow, I am so sorry that you are going through all this. It really sounds awful.
Clearly he is depressed and sick. But it's not wrong to leave someone who is ill. It's not wrong to be selfish. You only have this one life. It is wrong to want to hurt someone, but I can tell that's not what you want.
I think it's time to move on. It's not too late to find real love and have a baby. You can still be there for him for emotional support if he will accept it, and as long as it makes you feel good to help him.
Pick a direction and take a step. A step toward ending the relationship, or finding your own place, or finding someone new. Something for the future. Get in touch with friends or family that you can count on for emotional support. Try to stay positive and productive. Make today better than yesterday.
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A
female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (13 August 2010):
 What possessed you to even conisder marrying this man in the first place?.He clearly does not loveyou I am struggling to believe that he even likes you. Leave this marriage you need a man who will love you and everything about you.
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A
female
reader, annabunny1977 +, writes (13 August 2010):
annabunny1977 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your reply. He does say that he loves me and that I'm the only person he has ever loved. I do know, however, that he recently told an ex that he used to be in love with her. I have always belived that he does love me in some way but I'm not sure that he is truly capable of loving someone whole-heartedly. At the moment he keeps sobbing and is trying very hard. It makes it so difficult to walk away. I think also that I am my own worst enemy because it breaks my heart to see him upset and all I want to do is comfort him. I really don't think I'm co-depenent in the sense that I need to feel needed because I would much rather him stand on his own two feet and not be so needy but I do have a problem where I love too much and probably at my own expense.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): He doesn't deserve you! leave him and don't feel sorry for his selfish ass. u have done your part and u been very patient with him. The only reason he is trying to get a job and make it work now it's because he realizes u are going to leave for good and he is also feeling guilty for all he has done. But ask yourself how long is he going to be like that???? Get a life and leave HIM!!!!!
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A
female
reader, SimpleOne +, writes (13 August 2010):
Hi! I am very sorry that you are having such a difficult relationship. I genuinely believe that you need some support in extricating yourself from such an abusive, self-centred individual. I thought that the description of your husband at the beginning of your letter that he has Aspergers. But too much says otherwise, in my opinion.It seems that he insists on separate rooms for his mental convenience - easier to keep the idea of each? woman clear in his head and help justify!?! to himslef that he is not cheating. I am confused about trust at the moment with a new person but your letter gives clues that you know that he is consciously making bad choices and treating you badly. You deserve so much better! There is no reason for you to be his life prop any longer. If you chose to leave he would soon find a job to pay the bills, I'm sure.
Having a child is such an important decision and, to my mind,a blessing. It will happen when you are with a true husband. This man will only complicate your life further. To simplfy your life you need to focus on yourself. Even if you found another older husband, regardless of his age, he should treat you so much better. Please hun - yourself first. I wish you all the very best!!!!! SimpleOne
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Hey sister
first of all, i would say that in these situations, you need to have patience. for next 3 months..
1) Do not bring up any complex topic in the home which disturbs him. Only time will heal him up. Men have tendency to recover on it's own with wife's support. Believe me it pinches him any way that he does not earn and on wife's earning. so no need to say it and try to earn point on that or try to mean him by saying it or making him realize all that. he knows.
2) do not ask him to earn earn and earn. this will eat his confidence more. Actually expectations are very complex to handle. So do not expect any thing from him for next 3 months. if he can not meet the exepcattion of wife, he feels low. Have all cozy and lovely atmosphere at home. this will bring him automatically.
Treat as if every thing is normal and he does not have to do any thing extra. he just fine and good the way he is and things the way they are.
3) do not hurt his egos. Right now he has fallen so it is duty of wife to pull him up. If wife falls it is duty of husband to pull her up. It is not like that if he has fallen, you also fall and be separate and all that.
SEE THE RESULTS IN NEXT 3 MONTHS. Only condition is that you should promise that next 3 months, you will do every thing as he say.
my guess is that he will on his own start getting his confidence.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): The best thing for you to do is leave him and never look back. Your wasting your life on a man that doesn't love you.
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