A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My only true love pops in and out of my life. He's my first and only "everything". He's "popped in" right now. He's married and claims he doesn't love his wife, they married due to her pregnancy and they just cohabitate. He tells me I should be his wife and mother of his kids. Against everything I believe in I fell for it and gave in. I'm older,lonely, have low-self esteem, and was selfish. I can't talk to anyone about this. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself. I cut it off quicker than it got started. Now, I feel like he's trying his best to disappear and "pop out" of my life again. He does this like clock work. It's different this time (so I thought) so I confronted him with it. He tells me I'm thinking too much, time will tell, and to take this one day at a time. How can I start the healing process and rid myself of this dude? How do I get him out of my system and rid my thoughts of him?
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (21 August 2010):
 He pops in and out of your life.. he'll probably be back.. take this time to get strong, make yourself be beautiful and spend as much time with your girlfriends or dating other men as much as you can...He plays with your emotions because he can, he dosen't have to do anything because he knows how much you love him...Sorry babes.. this will continue untill one day you begin to see just how much time you are wasting...
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, people...he dumped me this morning! Contrary to what is believed NO WE DID NOT SLEEP TOGETHER! I asked him point blank: "Are you using me and stringing me along?" He said: "I do love you. When I'm with you or away I don't think about another woman, women, or my wife but I'll never make you believe that until I leave her and I want to be able to be affectionate with you". He went on to say: "I just want to be loved and appreciated as well as loved ON and asking that from you is not right; I'm sorry I can't just walk away from my situation and I wont have you waiting 10 years". My mouth wide opened in shock and I'm still dumbfounded, I have this blank look on my face. There's the update. You guys were right. But I thought I'd be the one ending things. Now, how long is it going to take for me to get over this crap?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, people...he dumped me this morning! Contrary to what is believed NO WE DID NOT SLEEP TOGETHER! I asked him point blank: "Are you using me and stringing me along?" He said: "I do love you. When I'm with you or away I don't think about another woman, women, or my wife but I'll never make you believe that until I leave her and I want to be able to be affectionate with you". He went on to say: "I just want to be loved and appreciated as well as loved ON and asking that from you is not right; I'm sorry I can't just walk away from my situation and I wont have you waiting 10 years". My mouth wide opened in shock and I'm still dumbfounded, I have this blank look on my face. There's the update. You guys were right. But I thought I'd be the one ending things. Now, how long is it going to take for me to get over this crap?
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (21 August 2010):
 I think you should tell him to get lost...that's what I think xxx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): We are not miracle workers, you have made yoiur decision and no matter what we THINK you are atill involved with someone elses husband. So ni matter what we write you are still engaging with your marruied man. Only you can choose to end this and it seems like you don't want to. Maybe you need to get some professional counselling and pay the big buxks the shrinks charge. That professional will advise the same thing we have, only difference is your bank balance will be reduced.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know it's hard to believe but there has no longer been any sex between us! I'm simply asking for advice. I'm very aware that noone can TELL me what to do. I didn't ask for that; hence: "what do you THINK?"
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (20 August 2010):
Everything I said in my previous post, I stand by!! The advice people have given you is good advice, they have provided you with good reasoning to get away from this man because they can see it for what it is...it's a booty call!!
You cant get away because you dont want to...thats fine but it's probably wise to not expect a good outcome and to be prepared for years and years of heartbreak.
Nobody here can TELL you what to do, we just offer advice in the hope that it will help you escape the pain. I read all the responses, we all think you need to step away...whether you do step away is your call.
Whatever this man is telling you, it's got you firmly on the hook. Women waste their entire life in this position for the dregs of a so called love affair...maybe only when you are completely sick and tired of the deception, mishandling and the hanging around in 'will he wont he'ville then you will actually stop playing the game and find someone worthwhile. Intimacy and having sex means very little to a man if their is no emotional attachment...you just can't see it, I hope someday you will.
with love
Aunty Em xxx
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (20 August 2010):
 He continues to string you along because he can.
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate: I am the one who asked "How can I truly rid myself of this married man?" Well, I haven't "shaken" dude away from me yet. I keep going back and forth. He came over to my house (no, we weren't intimate). I started to cry because I wanted to be with him but know it is wrong on SO many levels. We had a very deep discussion about this fiasco. I revealed to him what my sorority sister told me all about married men. I even revealed the advice I got from this website! My soror says that my case is different because he's the only man I know intimately. I don't agree with that part. He told me he loves me and that when a woman is in love she'll show it, she'll do things to keep her man, etc. He says since the beginning of their marraige his wife has never done this. I kept repeating to him: "But when it's all said and done, you aren't going anywhere; you are staying with your family". He gets quiet. Anyway....Now, he contacts me every now, then, and again. This is the usual scenario: He'll call me, I'll miss his call (or won't answer), I'll give in and return his call, only to receive his voice mail. I get the vibe that he's purposely not answering. Hours later(sometimes days)he'll send a "good morning" text as though nothing ever happened. I'll ask him did he get my call or message and he'll say: 1. I fell asleep 2. My phone was dead 3. I knew you would "think too much" if I'm away from you for awhile. I'm so dang confused right now. There are ZERO positives in this whole ordeal other than I'm positive I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. My blood pressure can hardly play "he loves me, he loves me not"! I'm too old for this cow manure! Maybe I should move back to my home town and tell noone, not even my parents? What do you guys think? What the devil is my problem? Why do I love this married man? Why does he continue to string me along if he claims to love me so much?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDr. Psych. I HAVE stopped sleeping with him! I cut it off as soon as it started. 3 was the magic number...unfortunately...Texas
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female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (13 August 2010):
 You say he is your one and only 'true love'. The reality is that you should truely love yourself not to put up with him using you. You say he wants you to be his wife...wow, what a prize...so he could cheat on you with another mistress, as he does right now with his wife. There is only one cure for the situation that you find yourself in. It requires you to stop seeing yourself as a helpless, loved-up victim of this man. You need to take control of the situation and identify that he is using you as and when he wants for sexual and emotional comfort. The ultimate cure is to not let him visit you, delete his number, tell him you are dating another person (lie) and stop having any sex with him - in fact, for the next time he visits, don't have sex with him and then see how many more times he shows up at your place...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): He's just using you. Tell him your pregnant with twins and your lawyer needs his personal information so you can get the child support payments all set up. You'll never hear from him again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWOW! Thanks! I guess I just needed to see the truth in print. Although this has actuallyy happened to me; I really and truly lived it, I still can't believe he actually did this to me..ME his (and I quote) "soul-mate". I can't believe I let it happen. Like you said: Blimey!
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female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (13 August 2010):
I really feel for you...what a crappy thing to be going through. Heartaches and uncertainty are a one way trip to misery town and this 'man' is playing you like a slot machine.
Men, in general will tell you what you want to hear to get what they want. What he says and what he does are two different things...and it's what he does that indicates his true nature.
Telling you to not think so much and take it one day at a time is like saying 'Please hang on my piece of string forever so I can use you and manipulate you for as long as possible'...what an a**hole!!!
The defining thing is he's married, whatever cock and bull story he has told you...he remains married!!! If he didn't WANT to stay married to her, he'd find a way to divorce her and nothing could stop him, believe me NOTHING would stop him!!!
He is not only taking the p*ss out of you, he's doing it to his wife also!!
You feel guilt because probably your a nice lady who feels a bit lonely and needs some loving...but why bother trying to get it from him, when you could kick him to the kerb and find yourself someone single who IS available to love you!! I know it seems like the right man will never come along, but the longer you hang onto 'Mr Married and messing around', the longer your mind will be occupied and unable to move on.
He comes in and out of your life because he needs an ego boost. Maybe he isnt satisfied in his marriage, but thats his problem to sort out...you cant wait in the wings like the fairy god mother, hoping and praying he will get his s*it together...because really...he won't. He will just play 'Boomerang Ego Boy' for as long as you let him. Your going to suffer more and more as time moves on...
So how do you save yourself?...Simply, you grit your teeth, cut all contact, change your number, tell him to get lost, bury yourself in work, friends, ice cream, exercise, long baths and good books...for as long as it takes. A two year relationship takes about 5 months to get over, so it's going to take longer or shorter depending how long the shenanigans have been going on.
You are still a young woman and being single (and I mean with NO man on the scene at all)gives you a unique and wonderful opportunity to really take ahold of your life and decide where your going and what you want to do. There will always be new horizons, new people to meet and new love to be found so don't get bogged down with someone who isn't even available...Blimey what a waste of time and emotion that is!!!
Focus on being the best you can be and I tell you, you will attract men like moths to the flame...be that flame, for you are a woman, a sensual, mystical, emotional, kind loving woman...and only the best of the best deserve your time!!
With love
Aunty Em xxx
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