A
female
age
36-40,
*anillaFrosting
writes:My boyfriend has brought up some complaints a few times over the course of our relationship, and though I feel like I have been making an effort, he still complains about the same things. (I think it is justified, however). I am not demonstrative. I am not romantic. I am not touchy-feely in the least. I am also quite unemotional. (When we first started going out, he was convinced I had NO emotions at ALL.) I also have a low libido, don't have fantasies and cannot be aroused by thinking of him or even my touching him, at all. I have gone most of my life without friends, because I find friendships exhausting. So things like calling people up "just to chat" are extremely counter intuitive to me. I enjoy a lot of solitary activities, but coming up with things to do with another person is extremely difficult. To top it all off, I have a very low self esteem, consider saying "Hello" first on msn an imposition (because I am forcing the other person to respond...) and am way too laid back, "I don't care, it's up to you." very often seems to be an appropriate response.These are all things that he complains about, and I find it frustrating. When he says I need to touch him a little more in public (I am very hands off, but I have disliked physical contact since I was a toddler) I consider standing closer or picking lint off of him, or even just brushing against him a huge step, he sees it as nothing (that is understandable...).In the bedroom he takes the reigns and I go along with it. He is angry and feels unwanted because I don't tell him "what I want" (which is nothing in particular)nor do I go ahead and touch him (he has to tell me to because it doesn't occur to me). For me, calling him up one evening for no particular reason is very difficult, I get nervous, I almost have to dial his number quickly so that I can "get it over with". When I do it, it feels to me like I have done something HUGE (yeah...I am odd) but obviously to him, it's nothing, because he loves to call people and talk to them all of the time. I guess it needs to be mentioned that I really love him. (I haven't loved anybody before) He told me that I don't seem interested, and that he doesn't know if he believes it because I don't show him, but the way I behave towards him is very different from how I normally am. I have always been completely indifferent in relationships, because I haven't loved anybody. Nobody in the world can get me to open up the way he can, and NOBODY has ever been able to get the emotions out of me that he can... but none of it comes across to him. He is so much more emotional and forthright and confident than I am, my efforts go by completely unnoticed. When he asks what "we" should do about the situation, all I can say is that he doesn't have to do anything, that I have to try and change... I have already gone far outside of my comfort zone... but I am apparently going to have to go so much further in order for it to even be noticed. How can I let him know that I care so that he will understand? More importantly, how can I change my way of thinking so that it isn't so difficult for me to do so?
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libido, msn, self esteem Reply to this Question
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male
reader, plasmoid +, writes (5 September 2010):
You sound amazingly like the female version of me. I have trouble expressing my emotions, anxiety dealing with people, etc.
How do I get around it? Self-confidence and avoiding stimulus overload. Take clubbing, I hate clubs. They're noisy, crowded, loud and they just drive me up the wall. So I don't go to them. As for dealing with my friends? Well, sometimes I have to consciously remind myself, "Yes, your friends do want to hang out with you, it's ok to call them up". It is a weird mindset to change into.
Secondly, tell him what you wrote here. Tell him about how he has done so much to open you up. He won't get it, those empathic people don't really understand that there are people out there who aren't on the same hyper-outgoing wavelength. But it will at least plant the seed of understanding.
Now, if you want to change then maybe it's time to consider more serious options. You can try going to see your doctor and he/she could recommend a variety of options such as:
-Drugs. You might have some form of social anxiety disorder. These drugs might help recondition you to be less socially intimidated. It's like drugs for panic attacks, people will have a panic attack because they're worried about having a panic attack. The drugs prevent them from reaching that state.
-Counseling. A good counselor/psychologist can help you reduce your fear and nervousness around other people. They can even provide you with coping strategies and exercises. This is like physio but for your psyche. It won't make you as expression/emotional as your bf, but it might be able to take you from a 1/10 to 3-4/10. Which might be enough to bridge the gap.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): If you feel like you are going out of your comfort zone to show your boyfriend you love him then maybe you shouldnt be in a relationship with him. But you say that he is the only person that you love. So if you love him then you should "show" him. When two people are in a relationship both of the people have to make compromises. I can see his side of the situation. How is he supposed to know that you love him when you dont share your feelings, express your love physically, or even kiss. My advice is to start "showing" him you care. I know it might seem like a stretch for you but if you dont then he might leave you and if hes the only person you have ever loved and you cant let him know that you care, then who's to say that you will ever have a happy relationship with another man? I wish you the very best luck.:]P.S. I can also kind of see your side of the situation. You shouldnt be forced to do anything you dont want to, but these are little things that people in relationships do all the time and you should be able to do them too.
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A
female
reader, sarahrose20 +, writes (5 September 2010):
he cant expect you to change all of who you are for him but i would suggest writting him a letter n include everything you just said especially how much you love him n you havent ever loved anyone else wats happening is cuz your so suttle n scared to touch or act strongly around him he doesnt get it n takes it as your not interested enough in him make him understand its the way your programmed also writting him a letter i know will be a big step n youll be scared but do it it will clary a lot for him n ifyou cant write him a letter show him your post on here not directly just leave it on your computer so hecan see it
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A
male
reader, dakotaflame  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 in my opinion you both have really conflicting characters, well i don't want to stand on the "change and please your boyfriend sexually" side so i wouldn't advice you to change more if you feel very uncomfortable. however, you could think about if there any reason for your somewhat "lack of emotions" or "romantic feelings"! it you could work from there, say you're shy, or new to the whole thing, then you could try to get more intimate by writing him little notes, just calling him to say something random just for the fun of it. you could even try smiling alot more (if you haven't already) and seem more cheerful and happy when with him because you are genuinely happy to be with him!
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A
female
reader, fi_the_tree  +, writes (5 September 2010):
 Wow, you already said you have very low self esteem anyway, maybe you should start working on that, once you start feeling more comfortable about yourself, you can start to relax more with your boyfriend.Start by making yourself look amazing, get your hair and nails done, buy a new outfit. No doubt your boyfriend would compliment you, and trust me, that would make you feel amazing inside (I'm not suggesting he doesn't compliment you or anything)As for the issue with touching, maybe try and get to the bottom of it. See a councellor maybe. I'm only going on what you have written so i don't know the full story.Try spending some nights in with your boyfriend, get a film, some popcorn and the duvet on the couch and just relax in his company. As for the bedroom antics, well once you start to feel more comfortable within yourself, then stuff like that should become easier and you can relax more and enjoy it more.The most important thing is to build up your self esteem, your boyfriend can actively help you in this aswell, and he will be delighted in being the person to help you. Explain to him that building your self esteem is very important to you and that you are going to need his love, help and support.I wish you all the best...
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