A
female
age
51-59,
*eaculpa3839
writes:Okay please help me... I just found this site and from what I could see people here seem friendly enough and certainly mature. I am not a young girl and I believe I know in my heart what is right here but I have to ask some mature men out there a question. Women please feel free to answer also but primarily I am asking from a man's perspective. I have been living with a man for over a year now and I can count on my hands how often we've made love. In the beginning we did not seem to be having a problem. About May it stopped. I of course tried to talk to him about this and was told that he is under a ton of stress and even when he tried to masterbate he could not "cum"... Okay I was empathetic to this for about 7 months! I had my moments trust me but I tried not to add pressure on him... (he is in start up of a new business that is not going so well, hence the "stress") After 7 months I was getting CRANKY to say the least. I am a healthy 38 yr old woman who loves to make love, full of passion and now masterbate daily! I brought it up again and he "confesses" that he has a problem because I am still "tecnically married" although I've been seperated legally for over 8yrs. This was not a problem when we moved into together? Again I am epathetic. I burst into a fit just over a month ago.. had enough! He took me and made love to me like no bodies business that very night. Told me I am beautiful and he loves me and I am delicious etc etc the entire time he made love to me... there was effort made, he told me he was "over it"(his divorce issue) .... And..... nothing since!!!! Our relationship is otherwise balanced quite nicely. We laugh often, snuggle, kiss, he tell's me I am delicious and beautiful and that it has nothing to do with my looks or anything .. (which I really didnt think it was .. I am not perfect by any strech but I am 38 and over the years have NEVER had an issue or problem having men in my life) Oh I should mention that at least 3-4 times a week he gets the blow job of his life!That is something I personally enjoy also so I don't feel right about not giving him that pleasure. Besides it gives me great pleasure also so .... Its a little confusing... and he still wakes up hard... he told me before he has lost his desire due to stress.. but then he flipped it to me not being divorced.... This hurts me and is serious. I do not want to live out the last wonderful years of my so far wonderful life sexless!!!!!!!! ???????I am seriously fed up! Feel neglected! I almost feel used! I even think on certain days I have suffered depression from this!!! I am losing my drive for him.... and I feel not so beautiful lately. Does any of this make sense to any body?!?!?! And men specifically seriously can stress do this and can a woman not being divorced cause this (the papers are not filed by the way) and can a man be in love with a woman but not touch her body sexually? This is all new to me in my short life time ;)
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blow-job, divorce, moved in Reply to this Question
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female
reader, meaculpa3839 +, writes (26 February 2008):
meaculpa3839 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I want to thank you ALL! My situation is certain no better already however, with your intuitive and helpful advice I am able now to at least start to really understand what is happening here. rhythmandblues2 I want to thank you especially because I have for the last several days been researching PA behaviour and I do believe you hit the nail on the head. In light of this I am able to A stop blaming myself and B decide exactly how I want to handle this situation. I obviously am in love with this man, however I have to realistically ask myself if I can live like this for the rest of my life? I will take a bit of time with this one because I think it is worth the time and effort but I will be careful not to become a maryter to this........... sigh... I digress... This is going to be tough but at the same time I am so happy that my head is clear on this and I no longer have to rack my head against a brick wall. Understanding must be half the battle. Once again thank you all I am sure I will post again and update or ask for more advice if need be... What a great idea this site is really! What better way to see our way through the "mess" than communiating with others who are in or have been in the same situation! Cheers!
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 I would like to comment that Jugurtha has a point, too. Some men wouldn't have sex as often as your man does, poster. Maybe you should try to see what happens if you don't continue doing this.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): I experienced no sex situation for the first time in my dating life after my boyfriend and I had our first big fight.....after months of dating him and seeing how he subtly put me down or tried to resist my desire for attention or affection after he himself coming very close, it dawned on me that I was involved with a passive agressive man....he had issues, he grew up in a home with parents who did not love each other, a dad that was a drunk, a cheater, a liar, and moved his family to a worse life and underperformed at his job and eventually left the family....and his mom was an unhappy controlling witch....not great role models,.....and a passive agressive is angry inside usually from childhood issues, and since he never worked them out he learned how to get what he wanted or avoid trouble by being passive and agressively not doing what someone wanted covertly thus getting his way.....a passive agressive man will emotionally hurt the one he loves, and he will approach you as the good guy, they rarely get angry and fight with you, but they irritate you to the point of getting very angry so that you can express the anger that they aren't able to...it takes a woman who unwittingly has entered into this dance with him, he needs a woman that he can frustrate by not meeting her needs, your need happens to be sex (whose isn't, it is a no brainer for him) and he is holding out on you to make you mad....there is something he is mad at and not telling you directly, he doesn't want to deal with problems in a direct manner....this is a very hard relationship to be in, and does not change without the help of therapy on the part of the passive agressive man, and then he still may not be able to change because he is doing what has worked for him in his LIFE...I don't have any great suggestions for you, except stand your ground, let him know how his behavior is hurting you, and then get on with your life.....don't act like you are waiting around on him or expecting anything from him, give him a lot of alone time and then he may be runningn asking you what he can do, this is when you tell him what he needs to change for the relationship to be better....but he may only step up for a few weeks and then it is back to the status quo....try it and see how well he is able to change, then you can make your decision stay or go....goood luck, I left my PA relationship, my self esteem was starting to go in the dumper, and you know what he is going to be a lonely man....he can't stand to be alone, but he can't really be emotionall connected to anyone either, because when that happens he gets very scared and starts to push people away.....crazy making behavior!
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel  +, writes (22 February 2008):
 It's confusing to me too. I mean, yeah I could understand stress and not wanting to do it because of stress but not for that prolonged period of time! Jeez...Something's up. If he keeps switching up the reason why he doesn't wanna do it, there has to be an unknown reason...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 February 2008): YES! Stress from amny factors can cause this. When i was getting my business started....sex was on my mind, but was not a priority. Even though I lived with a woman at the time. When business was great, so was my sex drive...a little too excessive then, but when business was slow...I was not into sleeping with anyone, I couldn't even get myself a third erect to even masturbate. But when business was good....I was back to my old ways.....fucking 3 times a day. My sexual appletite was excessive.Now on the second note. A woman, though divorced can have a sexual impact and financial impact on a relationship. I onetime, lived with a woman for 5 years. In our relationship in the first 4 months....we went at it daily, anytime,anywhere at the drop of a hat and we were in our early thirties. The problem was this....in our fourth month together I found out that she was married, but had been seperated for over 11 years. Something changed in me, but I did not realize it until later. I was helping her remodel her house and I suddenly stopped buying her the 'best' cabinets, the 'best' tiles and I suddenly stopped putting in a lot of "effort" and became very "stingy" with my money in regards to buying for her and her house. I find that over the years...many of my friends felt the same way. Even if the estranged husband lives 3000 miles away...it will still be the same. One of my uncles made me see the light.....his first wife and him seperated in 1985. They had not seen each other since. In 2006 she died! My uncle inherited 4 cars, 2 homes and her government pension as well as many many other assests and personal belongings. My deceased aunt's live-in boyfriend of 17 years receieved NOTHING, ZILCH!! It was not fair to the live-in boyfriend, but I guess, us men....secretly know this though we do not bring it to the cervice(?) of our minds. Stress is a biatchhhhh!I wish you much luck in the future!
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A
male
reader, Jugurtha  +, writes (22 February 2008):
Stress can certainly make a man impotent - it has me in the past. Although I was desirous, I was not performing (which added to my stress, lol). Still, it wouldn't surprise me if his libido (which slows down as men age) is affected also.Your lack of divorce wouldn't bother me, but if he's been under a lot of stress it could be a niggle that's blown up out of proportion for him. Why not process the papers, or make a start on it in any case? A gesture can go a long way...And finally, you may have been creating this situation - if it were me getting the sexual relief you've been granting him 3 - 4 times a week, I'd probably be feeling pretty sexually satiated. Perhaps you need to hold off these sessions until you're both in bed.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (22 February 2008):
My life is as short as the poster's :-), but I'm old enough to know that Dearkelja's hit the nail. It's obviously not a case of dysfunction. It's not a case of stress, either, because all that "stress" doesn't seem to prevent him from enjoying oral sex. He has a problem with a marriage that ended eight years ago. Just to be a little ironic, we all know about many people who don't have a problem at all with people who are still married and living with someone else :-). So this is BS, and I don't mean "Bachelor in Science".
Just to be ironic, where I live, when we have stress we have beers and find relief in our women.
Something is the matter, but he is not telling what it is. And this has already got you. You need to talk to him very seriously.
Dearkelja, you got ten stars with this.
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A
female
reader, meaculpa3839 +, writes (22 February 2008):
meaculpa3839 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOkay, I take the part about woman back.. I just thought from a man's perspective is this possible but I just realized that if you too as a woman has been through this I need to hear your experiences to help me through mine... and yes I still orally pleasure him dearkelja .. your probably right his needs are being met so he can be lazy about mine !! gesh .. I've never been through this before hence my confusion.
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A
female
reader, meaculpa3839 +, writes (22 February 2008):
meaculpa3839 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionooopppssss... Little error... The divorce IS filed now... Just wanted to clarify
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (22 February 2008):
 First off, I am a woman, feel free to ignore what I have to say. I've been through this as well. It really has nothing to do with you as you've figured out. It is an issue and will continue to be an issue in the relationship. A man's lack of desire for sex should be temporary. The fact that this continues even after you've stated it's a problem means that this is a serious problem. Yes, stress can cause this. I doubt it has anything to do with your lack of a divorce. That's a cop out. I am curious, do you still give him 3-4 blow jobs a week? I'm not a man but if I were I'd say my needs are being met. But he is being selfish where your needs are concerned. Yes, a man can love a woman without touching her body sexually. Just like he can love his sister or his mother. But it's not the same kind of intimate love you need for a partnership, is it.
In my situation, I left my husband 2 times over this same issue and finally the third time I left I had the divorce papers in hand. I was sick of crying myself to sleep and of feeling unloved, unbeautiful and unwanted. Don't let your self esteem get to that rock bottom. It's hard to recover from.
Take care.
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