A
female
age
30-35,
*argentsgirl89
writes:My son's biological father, we will call him Cord, died in June of 2009 he was drunk on father's day and fell off of a roof. My son was six months old at the time.1. Cord was never there for our son even before he died. He never helped me financially, never attempted to get a job, he swore up and down that he wasn't his to all of his friends.2. He only took our son when it was convenient for him or he was showing off for his girlfriends. When our son was hospitalized he never went and saw him because he "couldn't see him like that" welcome to parenthood.3. He used me for sex, money, rides and to use my car. I just happened to get pregnant much to his horror. He told me at one point to find someone else to help me raise him.4. I met Michael (not his real name) when I was five months pregnant. I didn't know he was romantically interested in me, but we became good friends. He always asked me if I needed anything, let me take naps at his place, offered to be there if I needed him and even told Cord that he was throwing a wonderful woman away.5. My son calls Michael Daddy. Cord's family does not like that at all and hate Michael for that. One of them went so far as to threaten to kill Michael. He also left a voicemail where he is screaming into my phone, "answer your f-ing phone." I won't be talked to like that.6. Cord's entire family has drug and criminal records (which I didn't know about til after I was pregnant) and one I know of is currently using meth, other's might I don't know for sure and one's wife is in treatment again for meth use. I had a fight with Cord's mother over why I won't let her son (the one who left the voicemail and threatened my bf) see my son anymore even though I told her why.7. Just recently I found out that she is getting a lawyer and going to fight me for custody of my son. She also says she has ten witnesses to verify that I neglect my son. (which I can say I do not).8. My question to you (all of you) is in your opinion, am I right for not letting her son or any of them now see my son? I don't want my son growing up thinking he is in a gang (we live in Wyoming for heavens sake) I don't want him drinking by the age of 12, I don't want him to drop out of school and I don't want him growing up around a bunch of people who are doing drugs.9. So, am I wrong? Please help me. I'm so lost and confused. My bf Michael said it's him or them, he can't do this anymore.
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female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (5 January 2011):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you. All of you. I had a phone call from the 14 year old cousin and it made me feel really bad that I'm not letting them see him, but letting one of them in will eventually lead all of them in and I don't want that.
Thank you all so much for your reassuring answers.
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (3 January 2011):
 good job on your part, Largentsgirl89, go ahead and do what you and Michael think is right. You don't need to discuss it with friend nor foe. They have no business making decisions on your behalf. You know you are a good Mom. Have faith in you and Michael. and remember, when people poke their nose in what is nothing to do with them, and make pronouncements about you and Michael, the only answer is :
''what you think of me is none of my business.''. Because it is their worry, not yours, so don't waste your time getting all bound up in what concerns them. You have enough things to do as it is.
Best wishes, Abella
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (3 January 2011):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so much for your answers, they have helped me a lot. I'm 11 weeks pregnant with MIchael and extremely stressed out.
My extended family (grandparents, Uncles) on my mother's side (she died last year as well) all say that I am being unfair in not letting Cord's mother see her grandson, but I think I am not in the wrong.
Everyone keeps telling me that Michael is trying to control me and I don't have a brain of my own and am incapable of making my own decisions, but I don't see that. He is a very loving man and only looks out for me and my son, which is very rare, he cares very deeply for us and I know that in my heart. I just don't understand why no one can keep their nose out of our relationship.
I know I didn't make the best decision when I got involved with Cord and his family, but I didn't know what kind of things they were doing until after I was pregnant, I was 18 and very sheltered growing up.
I hope I'm doing the right thing because I feel that I am. Thank you, everyone of you, for all of your answers, they are very reassuring in that I am doing the right thing in regards to my son and Michael and our unborn child.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2011):
hi largentsGirl89,
your son's can be legally adopted only by someone you approve of while you are alive.
If Michael is prepared to agree to adopt your son it should be done quickly, legally, and without announcing it to any other party. It would be the best thing for your son.
Grandparents are rarely ever considered as possible adopting parents. As the parent you are the one with all the legal power to say what happens, in respect to your son.
Since the father of your son is dead, then the only way the biological paternal family would even be considered as possible adoption possibles is:
(1)if you were deceased
(2)and if, (during your lifetime) no one else had ever been authorised by you to be the adopting father
(3) there was no living (already legally confirmed during your lifetime)adopting parent
However, potentially, I believe you are in grave danger while you stay in that toxic environment. Do explore the option of a joint adoption (you and Michael) of your son.
Plus you should arrange to make a Will with a lawyer, in which (in the Will) you nominate who is to become the parent of your child in the event that anything happened to you. Or to you and Michael. And once Michael is confirmed as the adopting father then Michael to make a similar Will.
The family of your late partner are completely out of control and feral.
Please take care.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (2 January 2011):
Read advice from Jonas on DC - Jonas is spot on.
Plus you are so very fortunate to have Michael, who is also giving you good advice. You don't want to lose this good man.
Can you move away? Far far away? Please discuss this with Michael. Because this is a toxic environment for you and your son. Break all contact with your son's paternal family. Change phone numbers. And change your contact details for any other social networking (or better still delete use of same until things settle down)
This is a shocking and bad environment for you and your child. It is dangerous. I am sure the extended family
(your son's paternal family) are well known to the Police.
You and your son deserve so much better than this.
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (2 January 2011):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCord and I were never married. He is deceased now.
His mother (not my mother in law) is threatening to take my son away from me and my bf (we are having a child i'm 10 weeks pregnant). I have not talked to Cord's mother or sent her any texts, nothing.
Do I have to have Cord's mother's permission for my bf to adopt my son when we get married (the only way I will let him adopt him is if we are married)? Since she is Cord's next of kin, does she have right to contest the adoption?
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A
female
reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (30 December 2010):
largentsgirl89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all so very much for your answers, they help me a lot. I question myself if I'm wrong in not letting them see him because they are his family by blood, but blood doesn't make family.
Cord was never my husband, we were only together for two weeks when I was 18 and after I gave my virginity to him he didn't need me anymore and said we were better off friends, but we slept together a few times after that when I was intoxicated and I thought I was "in love" with him. When I found out I was pregnant and told him at first he said everything would be okay and the next day he called me a whore and told me the baby wasn't his, etc.
I stupidly was always there for Cord when he was alive and Michael (since we were just friends then) was astounded at how long I stuck by him considering how he treated me. I gave Cord money, rides and my support when he needed it.
I don't know if it's a good idea to have my bf adopt my son if we aren't married even though I would love it if he did. What do you think on that? Would it be a good idea? And also, my 16 yr old sister went into where Cord's mother works to buy something to drink and his mother told my sister, "You might want to hint to your sister that I'm getting a lawyer and fighting for custody of (my son.) And if Michael even thinks about adopting (my son) then we have to have her permission and she isn't signing anything."
Does she have any right to say whether Michael can or cannot adopt my son?
Thank you all so very much for your answers, they are all very reassuring to me that I'm doing the right thing.
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A
female
reader, Godchild +, writes (30 December 2010):
You sound like a protective mother, and you want what's best for your child. You are right they seem crazy and I wouldn't want my baby around that trash. Michael is right let them go for now, if they wanted to see your son they need to get their life together. Plus he is helping you. it seem like to me the other family causes to much unneeded stress. Don't worry about the mother either she won't win. keep the vm of the harrassing calls or whatever they leave you.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (30 December 2010):
 Of course you are right, you are his mother, you know what is best for him and I know that your choice in this is right, you cannot let an innocent child be tainted by the more malevolent 'family members'.
When everyone finds out they are lying and everyone finds out that they are lowly drug abusing criminals, I highly doubt they will side with Cord's family. Have faith, you are going to be alright. Blessings upon you and your child.
I hope that helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): I see nothing wrong with cutting all ties with Cord's family. I don't know how that legal thing is progressing, but maybe if you have time left you could get your boyfriend to legally adopt your son?
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