A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I posted on here September 2014 time- about my cheating boyfriend of 5 years. Well I decided to give things another chance and it's the best decision I ever made. Whilst I don't mean this literally, him cheating was one of the best things and worst things to happen to our relationship. It showed us how much we had to lose and how much we cared about one another, it highlighted huge problems in our relationship and I can now say we have turned that awful (putting it politely) time into a positive outcome. The relationship is amazing- truthfully. Yes we still argue but it's very rarely (the last time we had a full blown shouting kinda argument was maybe Jan time?). He makes me feel loved every single day and every single day he shows me why I made the right decision. The trust has nearly come back, I say nearly because I don't think I ever trust him or another man 100% again. If you remember my previous posts I used to use his find my iPhone to make sure he was where he said he would be, I would check his emails, check his phone bill for who he had been texting- I went to the extreme. It wasn't healthy but it helped me regain my trust in him. I would say it's been around 10 months since I last snooped. It feels good to let go of that part of the affair. We have so much fun now, we are always laughing and out exploring the world together. He makes me so happy. One thing I haven't let go of and I desperately want to is the hate for her. I feel like I've finalised everything else, I forgive him for what he did, I've moved on from the checking up on him, we've not fallen into our old bad habits and I continue with this new happier and healthier relationship. I feel like in order to truly move on I need to forgive her but I just can't seem to get past it. As some of you may remember from my posts- the women whom he had an affair with was an older women who new very much about me. She told people that she was jealous of myself and bragged about wiping the smile of my face by bedding my boyfriend. When I found out about the affair and sat with the two of them I was completely broken, she tore strips off me, sat there and through insults my way and watched as I was completely numb and couldn't find any words to say. She laughed in my face and smirked and winked at my boyfriend. She belittled me and played silly mind Games, told me about all the things he had told her about me but when I asked what that was she replied 'that's between me and him sweetie'. When she new we were trying to sort things out she bombarded him with calls and texts and then when he blocked her number she got friends of hers to message me on Facebook. I look back now and can't believe how completely cruel and heartless a person could be to another. I couldn't ever imagine having an affair with another women's partner, let alone being so cruel and viscous to that women when she sat in front of me crying and broken. I think that's what I'm struggling with moving on from. Now I look back I feel so much hate and venom towards her. I wish I had told her all the homecoming truths that she should of been told there and then, I wish I had found the words to stick up for myself. I wish I had told her what a lonely old women she would end up if she carried on having affairs with younger men and then belittling there heart broken girlfriends. (She's known for having affairs with men who have partners.). I don't get what she possibly gets out of hurting other women so much, women she doesn't even know. She told me I needed to get some respect for myself as how would a man possibly respect me (all because there was a photo of me on Facebook in a bikini on a family holiday). She's heartless, twisted and jealous. I have so much hate and anger towards her and the only way I feel like it will go is if I saw her and told her everything I had built up towards her. Please help me let go of this hate. I need to finally leave her in the past.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2016): After being through something really similar, I realised very quickly why I could forgive him,but not her.Why? Simply because it's easier to hate a stranger.It is NOT easy to hate someone you once truly loved (or do love in your case).If you've seen the good and bad in someone, you feel truly torn. Because you want to see the good in the one you love.If,on the other hand, that person has been truly evil to you (and to me it is evil to hurt someone like this, knowingly.), then even if they have good sides- it doesn't mater. You can't see them. Even if you try. You only replay the worst thing they've ever done to you in your head.I still think about the idiot every day and it's been years. It never does get any easier for some. That's the harsh truth (at least from my perspective).What made it easier for me to stop hating her?Well, you might not like the answer- since I am not with the idiot now and haven't been for a while, I have come around to thinking that I should actually be thanking her rather than blaming her.Sure, she acted super-low, sure she was an evil a.... B......but you know what? She's got that idiot to contend with, he is not my problem nor worry, any longer.Which brings its own sense of relief.You said you've finally stopped worrying about him,but I wonder if you'll ever be truly free of worry?If you think you will be - I suggest you dwell on the following: in the aftermath of it all, I had the feeling that this creature (the evil a... .....ch) had a ridiculously low self-esteem.I mean she had to demonstrate all her "happy" life on FB all the time, she loved getting compliments and likes and I felt that "winning" him over was just a stroke to her ego rather than genuine love for him.By trying to bring you down, she is trying to elevate herself (in her own eyes,not in yours). Just let that slide by and don't let your feathers get ruffled. I've actually come round from hate to feeling sorry for her.I mean, how desperate do you have to be to not be able to get your own man? To feel you need to "poach" another's?All the calls etc to him do demonstrate that she is quite pushy. I mean,sorry, but do you see yourself knocking on a guy's door in the evening "just because you were passing by" in some sexy outfit? Do you see yourself desperately calling a guy at all times of the day,even after repeated "leave me alone"s? No?That's because you and she are very, very different...Let's put it that way, it's about self respect and self confidence I believe evil a.. .....h lacks both and thus needs to find way to feed her ego and bring her confidence up.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2016): So you had a stranger sit own all three of you where she abused you, and your boyfriend sat and happily listened to it and you still consider him a valid partner?
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Thank you Cindy...that fortifies my argument.
I also wanted to add something else to my answer. The reason you have forgiven your boyfriend is because you desperately want this relationship to work and you see the failure of this relationship like a personal failure to you.
You like to believe that you're stronger than ever, better than ever...and maybe you are...but more than anything else, deep deep down inside, you don't and never did want this to end you because that is something you cant let happen to you. His cheating was a huge blow to your self-confidence and the brazen audacity of his mistress made things even worse for you.
Keep in mind that SHE didn't belittle you or play mind games with you, your own boyfriend did. How can a stranger who knows squat about you and has nothing to do with you belittle you? Your boyfriend told her personal things about you, things which you probably never even want to think about because lets face it, it cant be good because he was obviously saying the shittiest, pettiest things possible about you, to sleep with her. She could have thrown it in your face but she didnt. Even if they were untrue, can you imagine how much they would've hurt? If he had said something like you're terrible in bed or dont satisfy him the way he wants...which maybe is 100% untrue, but imagine how it would sound when its said to you? Now tell me, who belittled you? Who was the one who spoke shit about you? Exactly who played mid games with you? The other woman or your boyfriend?
Somewhere deep down inside you probably decided then and there that you would show her that you won and that she lost because you feel that she was getting away. What was the prize? Your boyfriend. The person who was equally, if not at more fault than the other woman, but who now you seem to have forgiven. Here's why.
In this process you've now done what most people could never get themselves to you...try to make the relationship work after cheating was involved...so that you can give yourself the solace that everything is right again in your world and whatever happened with him was a bad dream. Maybe you have forgiven your boyfriend, or maybe you've just trained your mind to forgive him just to make this relationship work.
Despite being one of the two cheaters, since your boyfriend makes up the other half of the relationship, you obviously choose to be on his side and forgive him, try to forget and move on. You have to, since you've invested your happiness in his hands; you have no other option.
The mistress on the other hand is out of sight, you have nothing to do with her, she doesn't hold the key to your happiness in any way....so its much easier for you to hate her...which is exactly what you're doing.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (16 May 2016):
 I was wondering the same as Anonymous 123 : how come it is harder for you to forgive a stranger that owed you no loyalty and never said she loved you, than your Bf who DID.
Ok, so this woman is a crazy nasty b...h with no class and no morals, I believe you. But, hallo OP ? she was your RIVAL- were you really legitimated in expecting kids' gloves treatment and a gracious withdrawal ?. I don't want to say " all is fair in love and war " because I don't subscribe to that , i.e. it is NOT fair to go after another woman's man because one is " in love " , but the breach of fairness weights way more on the man , who owed you respect and loyalty, than to the other woman who did not . It was a battle, with this guy as the prize for the winner- and if you can hope that your opponents in a battle play fair and concede defeat elegantly, same as you would do in their shoes- you can't exactly demand it. She did not play fair- but what about your bf then ? He is the one who got you into this battle and MADE you have to fight for him !
My guess, therefore, is that , very understandably, deep down you haven't really forgiven him, or let's say that you forgave but not forgot and your feelings are still wounded and raw- but you won't admit that even with yourself, because it would invalidate all the work you have done so far mending this relationship, and would painfully draw your attention again on the basic big flaw of your bf, who may hopefully have repented and changed his ways, nevertheless , unluckily, remains a big fat cheater who had no compunction in putting you though living hell just to indulge his carnal whims, and as such not the most trustworthy mate in the world- by definition.
Of course you do not want to feel negative about your newly reconquered boyfriend, but the negative feelings are still there - so you operated a displacement of negativity by transferring all your anger on the other woman, also if she is just half of the cheating conniving couple....
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (16 May 2016):
I find myself asking this question often, whenever I read a post about someone forgiving a cheating partner...can you ever really forgive and move on?
This woman was a stranger, she didn't owe you anything...kindness, goodness, honesty or loyalty...but your boyfriend did. If you have forgiven someone who's so close to your heart, then why cant you ignore a stranger?
SHE didn't hurt you, your boyfriend did. *He* broke his promises that he made to you when he committed himself to you, *he* went behind your back and slept with someone else, *he* gave that woman that kind of importance and more importantly space in *his* life, that she had the audacity to talk to you in that way. She had the gall to smirk and wink at your boyfriend because that is how their relationship was and she knew she could get away with that.
OP she didn't point a gun to your boyfriend's head and ask him to have an affair with her, and she hasn't pointed a gun to the other men's heads either. Your boyfriend along with all her other partners who as you say were younger men, were drawn to her by choice. They had the choice - to stray or not to stray. They chose to stray, to cheat on their girlfriends and hurt them.
This woman hasn't hurt you, your boyfriend has.
As I said, she owes you zilch. You say she's heartless, twisted and jealous. Why? What do you know about her? Why are you painting the woman black? If anything - and mind you, I'm not supporting her but just being very objective - if anything then she is the one who was left high and dry after the affair which two people had gotten into by their own will! Your boyfriend had fun on both sides... he had you, he had the affair and now he's back to the safety and comfort of your arms again!
Its very hard to ever truly move on from cheating. Maybe you have, if you say so, but its very very difficult to. Forgiveness in its totality is a near impossible feat but if you can achieve that, then strength to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 No matter how much you hate her, you can't change the past, NOR can you change HER or her behavior.
Your hate ONLY hurts one person, YOU.
While I understand 100% why you hate her, those emotions is wasted on such a sick individual. She get a short term satisfaction from sleeping with guy who have a GF/Fiance/Wife. Why she does it? Probably because she DOES feel inferior to other women. She CAN NOT maintain a healthy relationship, that she why she goes for men who has a partner. In her sad little twisted mind she thinks she is "better" than the GF/partner of the man - but OVER and over, she "loses" the guy - he either goes back to his partner or dumps her. SHE is a "mistake" OVER and OVER. Kinda sad and pathetic.
I'm not saying you should have sympathy for her, but IMHO stop wasting emotions on her. It only poison YOUR life. And thus VALIDATE her.
Anyone who starts to post crap on your FB (in her place) you block and then you fine adjust your settings so ONLY friends can see you pictures. Which means it "LOCKS" her out. Also REPORT to FB any & all harassment. She already "lost" her little game as HE is back with you and ignoring her.
The woman is sick.
My advice? journal how you feel. Write it down, let it out. And then LET HER go. Mentally send her off to some lunatic asylum or the Moon. She isn't worthy of your time and letting her "live" rent-free in your head is not good for YOU. Think about it, if she KNEW how she had got under your skin and into your head she would be gleefully happy - so every time you think of her, picture her in a straight jacket and then push her from your mind. She should BE this important to occupy so much head-space.
Focus on the positive in your life. NOT the negative (such as her).
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (16 May 2016):
 Ideally couples would not need the devastation of an affair to learn the mistakes they are making in the relationship. This woman is like a virus, that attacks when immunity is low. You can only forgive when a person feels remorse. She doesn't. I'd say you do not need to forgive her, as in absolving her sins. There will always be evil, and evil actions can always be traced from not getting enough love and approval from family and friends when they grew up. Think of serial killers, school shooters, or kids who grew up with evil step parents. These people can be so screwed up that no amount of love can fix them. You don't have to wish her ill will as she has enough pain already. She may feel she already won when she wrecks people's relationships, but deep down inside she's miserable.
I don't really understand why the three of you have to sit together. Who arranged this? Perhaps it's her idea. She convinced your boyfriend that they should have a talk, to conclude that the affair was over so you would feel secure. Her only intention was to hurt you even more.
I would say you are very strong to have forgiven your boyfriend. Many people would have left a guy who slept with that kind of woman. You are still recovering from this. You will be stronger when you don't let others get to you. We only give power away to others when we believe their words. When forgiving is impractical, and hating doesn't help with your healing, the only other option is to simply ignore negative thoughts, energy, and to unsubscribe.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (15 May 2016):
If it were me, I'd write everything I want to say to her down in a long letter. Be as vicious as possible - get everything in there. Then I'd attach it to a helium balloon and watch it float away and out of your life. I know it feels like you need to tell her how you feel, but with someone like that it won't make a difference. In fact it'll make her happy. You said yourself she feeds off the misery of others so telling her will give her exactly what she wants. The best thing you can do is to let the anger and bitterness go (the balloon would help me visualise that) and not give her the satisfaction of thinking she's been in your thoughts for one minute since it happened.
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