A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Long story short, I started University in September 2006, and went with the hope of opening up, meeting like-minded people and enjoying myself...and it didn't work. I've always been shy; I'm just really awkward around people. I don't know how to act or what to say; I'm not a good conversationalist. I also seem to dwell and brood on things far too much. For two years solid I stayed in my room, never went out and never socialised, either with my flatmates or the people on my course...and in fact, if anything, the whole experience made me more awkward and nervous around people. This year, I took a work placement as part of my course, and in September I go back to complete my final year; and I really need good advice to help me shake off this ludicrous shyness and nervousness I have of people. I just want to have one enjoyable year at University, not just to be sat locked away in my room doing my coursework for nine months solid...I really want to change; to open up and to be able to interact and communicate better. But I've said that for two years, and have gotten nowhere fast... can anyone give me tips on how to open up and have the ability to interact better with people, and not to be so shy and nervous and to gain and develop some much needed people skills? Thanks for reading.
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female
reader, solovley  +, writes (23 April 2009):
Hi, I can completely empathise with how your feeling. I used to be the exact same. And it is ludicrous as im sure you are a cool normal person with interesting things to say, but you just clam up and get awkward in social situations (that’s how I was anyway!). My boyfriend used to give out to me because I was totally grand when I talked to him and when in a group of his friend or people I didn’t know I set this weird tone and induced awkward silences, my awkwardness was palpable!
He is full of confidence and there was no point in trying to explain because if someone doesn’t understand, they don’t understand. I feel you have to look inside your self and see what causes the lack of confidence. For me I misunderstood confidence for arrogance and never allowed myself to be like that. I continually played myself down and never took compliments as I thought this was the polite way to be. I ended up having no self belief and feeling like my input wasn’t as valuable as everyone else’s.
I know it’s going to sound really lame, and it usually is not my vibe at all, but Paul Mc Kenna has a self help book on confidence. I think it has seriously helped me. It comes with a mind programming cd, which I know sounds dodge, but it just makes sure it goes into your head. I listen to the cd and I can literally feel myself walking around with my head held high. Im on placement at the moment and when it comes to meeting new people or giving an answer I do it automatically with no silly fear it’s not going to go down well. I think you should check it out, it really helped me, I hope it works out really well for you in your last year x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): My God, you sound just like me! Seriously, I have the same problem. I also spent a long, long time completely isolated and cut off from everyone (three years, to be precise). And like you discovered, it serves to make you even more withdrawn and fearful.
I think the other people who replied are all bang-on with their answers. I think it does take two main things: courage and acceptance.
It is true that to break out of this situation, you have to do things, even if they are scary. Like starting a conversation with someone, for example. Regardless of the outcome you will discover that nothing terrible will happen! And next time, it will be slightly easier, until eventually it isn't so terrible after all.
I know this is not easy though, and it doesn't happen overnight. But it really is about stepping out of your comfort zone, taking risks, and challenging all of your negative assumptions about what will happen if you do certain things.
But if this is really too difficult to even attempt, then maybe it might be helpful to see a therapist for help. I had to do this at one point, and it can really be helpful.
As for the acceptance thing, no matter how much you might make steps forward, and grow in confidence around people (and I believe in you!), you might find that you are always still fairly shy, quiet and a bit nervous around people. It could simply be a part of who you are. And that is fine, it's great to have so many different types of people in the world. So you might not suddenly become a wild-child, out every night making noise! And that's where some aceptance and respect of who you are comes in handy.
I hope this helps in some way, and good luck. x
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A
female
reader, summerslady21  +, writes (23 April 2009):
you have to just be yourself. Who cares if you say something someone doesn't agree with everyone has opinions and not everyone will agree! I was the same way people made me nervious large groups of people made me kinda akward I thougnt that keeping my mouth shut was the best thing to do and just stay to myself
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2009): You have to push your self. I'm afraid doing the stuff that scares you IS THE ONLY OPTION. I'm guessing if someone invited you to the pub, for instance, you might say no because of your shyness....You have to say yes!when there you might not introduce your self to your friend's friend that you have never met meet. YOU HAVE TO. They start talking and you have an opnion on what there saying YOU HAVE TO EXPRESS IT. meet new people, talk about stuff. I know this is excruciating for you but thats tough, if you really want to become confident your gonna have to suffer to get there. But don't worry it WILL be worth it. Also accept that socialising isn't a science, the more you do it the more you get a feel for it. Try some of these things- 1. More eye contact the better. It's impossible not to give too much eye contact when in conversation, but not when no one is saying anything. 2. ask questions and it doesn't matter what as long as they are relevent. 3. speak slowly, calmly and loudly as well. Lots of shy people speak far too quietly. 4. Don't be afraid to talk about yourself. tell them what you did the other day or how you feel. 5. my best scoial trick is empathy. If some one tells you about a shit day they've had, all you have to say is 'that sounds terrible', and they will take a liking to you. Seriously this works in any situation. 'I saw my favorite band the other day they were great', 'thats great you must have had a awesome time, who were they? 'I just finished my c/w' 'you must be glad you got that out the way'. It is dead simple and works so well. 6. relate. if they tell you their favorite band tell them yours, if they talk about their parents, tell tham about yours ect if you tell them somthing and they don't relate, like 'I love pizza' don't be afraid to give them a nudge, 'whats your favorite food?' and remember there are 60 billion people in the world if you don't make a strong connection with one of them then it doesn't matter there are loads more. Also even if your are the most awsome person in the world someone wnon't like you it's unavoidable, thats somthing you should accept. Btw confidence is fake. If you think about it a confident man and a shy man act the same when they are desrted on a desert island by their self. just one of them knows how to act different when a boat arrives. so learn to fake it. I fake it all the time. It's easy after a while. good luck, hope some of this helped
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): There's a plethora of tactics to break out of a shell, and there are so many books to read about this topic.Begin with two fundamental rules: 1. Get rid of fear. Don't let fear be a part of your life. How you dispose of fear is to do exactly that which creates fear. So if you're afraid of cold calls, like just meeting anyone anywhere, establish your script and use it everywhere. Here's your script: "How are you" with eye contact and a smile. No more, no less. Just get it down. Use it everywhere. You don't like "How are you"? Too long? Here's another script: "Hello". Force yourself to use your script everywhere to everyone with a smile and eye contact, no matter how awkward you feel, say it. If it has legs, say your script. Let yourself feel whatever it is while you do this, and stay on it until you have no fear. 2. Like people. Genuinely like people, look for the good in others. Others will feel that great energy and like you back.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): people are different, so accept who you are
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