A
male
age
36-40,
*23romeo
writes:How hard is it to try to work things out with an ex? I love my ex a lot, but it seems every time we talk the past is always brought up, I flirted and lied about it thats the reason she left me, but were taking things slow again, and we both want to work things out but she's scared to give her full trust to me as I may hurt her again. Since want this so much, how hard is it to work things out? How long does it usually take for her to come around and be affectionate towards me again? The way she talks to me is not really rude, but its more straight forward and not as affectionate as before, how long does it take before I see changes in her attitudes towards me? How long should I wait to ask her out? again?
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female
reader, Country Woman  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 I think you are expecting too much way too soon.
Your ex was hurt and that does not mend overnight, you want the affectionate side of your relationship like it was before well that just isn't going to happen as quickly as you want it to.
So you flirted - not a crime I guess but the fact that you lied about it means that she doesn't know what else you lied about and so the past is mentioned as she doesn't want you to forget how much you hurt her previously and by mentioning it this in her mind might keep you on your toes. Trust is earned and I think you need to demonstrate that you can be trusted.
Time is the true test of trust and so I think you need to show her how much she means to you. I am not saying shower her with gifts but little things may help, the odd flowers or a little card saying 'Thinking of you' or something similar.
Maybe offering to cook her a meal or go to the cinema without pressure from you regarding kissing or anything more. Taking it slowly is the key here.
If you care about her as much as you say you do then you will be prepared to put in the work and I think that you will gradually see her starting to relax and to regain the trust that was damaged with the lies. Be upfront with her if you happen to go out or anything or ask her if she wants to join you so that you have nothing to hide. All these little things help to mend the hurt OK.
At the end of the day you either want to make it work or you don't, if you are not prepared to wait then tell her you feel that you need time apart for a while and you have to bear in mind that this could mean she might meet someone else and when you do feel ready to maybe try again she might have moved on and it is too late by then. The choice really is up to you OK.
BFN
Country Woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2008): Certain damages can be repaired, others not! You have to decide how much time you want to risk waiting to see what can happen, but personally I want to warn you, think about what you are doing, sometimes the injuries leave marks, and that will never go away!
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A
male
reader, jay12toes  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 well the fact is that when someone hurts you there is always a part of you that cant trust that person. even if the 2 of you get back together she will prabably doubt you or ask you if you have been doing anything wrong, in the end you will likely get fed up with the distrust and leave, so you would be better off keeping her as a friend however your crime was not major so there is a chance that if you want it bad enough and your willing to work at it your relationship could be fixed in about a year.
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