A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:This is not a question about love or anything but I could use the help. Sorry for the length of it in advance but please!!When I was little my bestfriend’s brother had this friend who was horrible, he always picked on me because I have red hair and because I’m fat…then I moved to a different village (5 mins away) and hadn’t seen him since. Good thing too because he made me feel horrible.Since then I’ve discovered the reason I am fat is because I have a few different medical conditions….I have PCOS and many side effects thanks to that and I can’t lose weight (I once spent a whole month eating nothing but salads, chicken, lean meat, vegetables….just anything that was healthy or good for you, nothing fatty and went to the pool in the morning and swam lengths for an hour and then for an hour walk in the afternoon and in the evening not to long after my last meal id go to the gym for an hour…and drank nothing but water and I managed to gain 2lbs.) The doctors have been working on how to stable all my hormones and whatever else is causing problems…I tend to zone out now…but I’m on so much medications and became ill around 6 months ago which I ignored and ignored then went to the doctors about a month ago to find out that I am lucky to be alive. 3 of the pills I am taking I am meant to be getting monitored on and haven’t, one of these pills I’ve been taking for 2 years…right now as I even type this I am at risk of dying until they can improve my health once again and find out what the heck is wrong…I’ve taken numerous blood tests recently…all came back with something on it and I now have to go to the hospital for two different scans next week…one ultrasound and the other is one of those machines I lay on and oh I don’t know.Anyways I started a new job 5 months ago and 2 months ago they changed the department I’m in…that was where I discovered that this guy works within that department (I am in the office and he is one of the labourers who I see regularly and will have some dealings with) well he has started again. He calls me blobby and fat and ginger c**t…he calls me all sorts and I mean I already hated this kid (I say kid but he’s like 2 years younger than me) I gave him the benefit of the doubt when I first started saying ok maybe he’s more mature now but no he isn’t. He makes me feel so uncomfortable and he constantly just calls me names…not to my face ofcourse, all behind my back and from a distance in the hope I hear but not to obvious if you know what I mean. Last night I came across him on facebook and he left a status update saying something like ‘hate it when girls think they are tidy but really their like 18 stone and ugly and try to pull down their top a little bit but its just fat so if you keep it up I am going to head butt you…rant over’This was about me as their was plenty comments under it and some were like oh who is it and another was like is she ginger and does she work with us and he was like yeah and they were like oh she fancies you, blah blah blah.First off I’ve never once pulled down my top…who does that!! And especially to impress a guy. Secondly I’m fat I already know and am incredibly unhappy about it as mentioned before. Thirdly I hate how I look…thanks to the fact I am fat I have low self-esteem and don’t think much of myself at all. And lastly I hate him!!! When I see him I’m surprised I don’t smile like a Cheshire cat infront of him because I’m picturing myself slamming his face into a wall…sorry for being mean there but I do.What do I do about this?? He is making me feel awful once again about myself and now he’s making it hugely public too which makes me feel even worse. He has 1500 friends on facebook and more than 60 people liked that status (most not knowing who he was talking about)
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Speak to your boss. This is a form of bullying and it should not be tolerated, make sure you tell a senior member of staff who will be able to deal with it in a correct manner.
And also delete him from Facebook! Why on earth are you friends on facebook with this guy? Just get rid of him as a friend so you cant see what he is posting and leave him to it.
Bullies are very weak and troubled people, they have serious issues but instead of dealing with their problems they take it out on other people. He is probably very insecure and disturbed about something from his past, but rather than feeling sad about it like you do, the way he deals with it is to make other people feel bad so he can feel better about himself.
I'm not making excuses for him - he is an awful person and I dont blame you for hating him, I know I would if I were in your situation. But hopefully by explaining that he is also insecure himself but he makes himself feel better by being awful to other people, you will understand that he is just messed up and what comes out of his mouth isnt the truth, it is only to make him feel better about himself so dont take it to heart, you know the reasons for your appearance so who the hell cares what he thinks - he doesnt know the real you.
If he knew the extent of your health problems he would probably feel pretty bad that he has been saying these things, but he is just an ignorant person who is so wrapped up in himself he cant begin to understand what other people might be going through.
But please do speak to a senior staff member at work, he cannot make those comments about a colleague so you need to report him. Write down everything he says and date it so you have evidence - dont let him get away with this.
As for your appearance - anyone can be beautiful, no matter what their size. I know Dawn French has recently lost weight but even at her biggest she was always beautiful and very attractive. I believe you should make the best of yourself no matter what size you are, just because you are not skinny doesnt mean you should give up completely.
Ginger hair is gorgeous, if you are not so keen on it maybe visit your hairdresser (make sure it is a good one though) and get their advice on some highlights or lowlights to tone down the ginger a bit. But in my opinion I think ginger hair looks amazing, look at Nicola Roberts from girls aloud, she looks great (ignoring the strange dress sense!). Make sure you style your hair, dont just leave it to its natural state - if it is frizzy then do a conditioning treatment every week and maybe think about straightening it so it is smooth and sleek.
Make-up always helps a girl feel good, a bit of blusher, mascara and lip gloss never fails to make you look better. Take pride in your appearance and dont be afraid to wear make up if you want to, I was bullied when I was younger and make-up has always made me that little bit more confident, I have bad skin too so foundation is my best friend! A lot of people will tell you to embrace being natural and not to care about other people, but if you lack confidence honestly good hair and make up can work wonders, so dont be afraid to give it a try if you want to.
And dont forget clothes - yes you might be larger than average but that doesnt mean you cant look good. There are plenty of plus size shops on the high street, and online too. Learn what suits your shape, dont swamp yourself in massive baggy clothes but never wear anything too tight or revealing either. Make sure everything you buy fits you well and you will automatically look slimmer.
One last thing - hold your head high and never let this awful guy get to you. You are better than him, he is just a weak pathetic guy who bullies others to make himself feel better. He has so many friends because he needs the approval of other people to feel validated. He is a pathetic person and one day it will all come back to bite him.
Whereas you are a lovely person, you work hard and you have just been unlucky with your health. You are a million times better than this low life so keep reminding yourself of that, dont let him get you down because that is what he wants. The most annoying thing for him will be to see you doing well at work, keeping your head up and not reacting to his jibes. Yes it hurts on the inside, but think of it this way - he is such a low life so why would you even want someone like him to like you? It doesnt matter what comes out of his mouth, he is talking crap and what he sas means nothing to you.
You will hopefully learn one day to not care what other people think of you - I have managed to get to that point after 4 years of horrible bullying when I was younger. I now can honestly say I dont care what anyone thinks of me, I only care if its a friend or family member. Strangers or acquaintances can basically go f**k themselves if they dont like me, I really dont care. I know that not everyone is going to like me, lots of people will find fault with me...but who cares! There are plenty of people that do like me and thats all that matters.
Keep your head held high and dont stop reminding yourself of just how pathetic this guy is, dont let him get to you and make sure you do report any bullying to your supervisor as he cannot get away with that behaviour in the work place.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2011): Girl I am so sorry for your predicament and meeting this nasty person. I think the first thing you should do is get your self-esteem up. Confide in your close friends and family members who'd be more sympathetic about your health. And seek a doctor who can give you a proper diagnosis ode and for all before your health gets worse. Do thing that'll make you feel confident. Even getting a nice hair cut helps!
As for that guy who's making life miserable for you now, I bet deep down inside he's a very insecure man and a cowardly guy. He rather pick on girls than someone his size. Get your bestfriend's brother to talk to him about his nasty attitude towards you. He's really immature about it. I know ignoring him may be hard to do so right now but pick up some confidence. Keep the mentality in mind that he's immature. It helps got me when I was bullied in the past too. But if things get uncontrollable, request to switch departments. If there are any rules about harassment in your job, feel free to report him because he is making you uncomfortable and you have a right to work in a stable and peaceful environment.
All the best and stay strong!
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 First of all, red hair ROCK . I am a natural brunette and so far I have spent an inordinate amount of money for being a fake redhead, what do you think ,that I am a masochist ?? I am not. The right shade of red ( maybe get some help from a good hairdresser: ) can be awesome, bring out your features, makes you distinctive- and IS sexy.
Second , the weight : Your problem may be compounded by your medical conditions so I don't know exactly what to tell you other than : talk to your doctor , but as far as I know, hormonal imbalances and dismetabolisms ( I have one ) do not make losing weight impossible, they just make it slower. I was frustrated too when after one year of low calories low carb diet I had lost the 15 pounds that my friends would lose in 3 months max.. What can you do. Slow and steady, be patient and persistent, and of course consult your endocrinologist / nutritionist before starting your diet. Also, motivate yourself to reach your weight goal by thinking not that when you'll be slimmer people will be more accepting of you ( if they don't , it's their problem, you don't need their seal of approval ) but thinking of how easier it will be for you doing a lot of cool stuff like dancing, hiking, doing yoga, or..wearing a catsuit,whatever.
Third, the guy who is making such an obvious display of unmotivated dislike for you... that's over the top, so I have two explanations :
a) he is really an immature obnoxious little jerk, he is not worthy of your attention, unluckily there's stupid people like that around and you have to have for them the same consideration you 'd have for the dirt under your nails- nihil. Remove and ignore.
b) more probably, he does like you. Juvenile, childish, but, well, that's exactly what happens in kindergarten. you go pull the braids of the little girl you like best, not least. Some guys bring this behaviour over into adulthood.
Either way, don't overthink it, because, last but MOST important :
red hair , weight, boys, facebook... that's all bullshit and rubbish compared to your health. What you've got to do NOW is focusing on your health, following scrupolously your doctor's prescriptions, monitoring your medications, etc. etc. Doing all you are supposed to do to heal or get better.
One thing at a time, and first things first ! You'll come up with a plan for dealing with those other " challenges " at a later date.
dislike for you
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