A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Why would a man over many years, regularly avoid sex with his wife? We would have sex about 2 times a month at most. I would try to initiate about 3 times a week, but get the "i'm tired" excuse. We argued alot about sex, I felt like something was wrong with me, but he wouldn't talk about it, just say he was tired. Then one night I initiated sex, he turned over and said he was tired. Nothing unusual. Next day I come home from work to find he had been watching porn. I didn't say anything, but initiated sex again that night. He again rejected it. the next day, I check again, and he had been watching porn that day. When I confronted him he was angry and embarrassed. He said I wasn't there when he was in the mood. Avoids spending intimate time alone, refuses to lay down together at night because he likes his alone time, and avoids going on dates together. His only excuse is we would be happy if I would just shut up and be happy. What is going on?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (22 March 2011):
 It sounds like he's checked out. Sadly, no solution can be reached without the effort of both of you. Perhaps it's time to consider divorce. He might listen to you if you give him the option of counselling or signing divorce papers.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI tried talking to him, just ended it arguing many times. He didn't want to talk about it, all I got was " I was too much work". I tried the lingerie in the past, he turned over and went to sleep, avoiding. talk about confidence killer. I bought the vibrator a long time ago. He didn't seem to mind. He refused counseling for years. Asked for a date for 3 years he couldn't make it happen, then I finally gave in and made arrangements and he got mad stating that I was being selfish for leaving the kids with just anyone. The person who was going to watch the kid was a friend of 10 years. always angry, emotionally distant. I gave up on him going to bed with me at night. tried for years. that is his "alone time". Any other attempt at trying to build closeness within the relationship blocked for one reason or another by him.
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A
male
reader, boxOfWisdom  +, writes (18 March 2011):
Hes reterted, must be, cant think of any other reason, maybe buy urself a dildo or vibrator and make him jelous, his attitude may change when he sees u pleasing urself, guys dont like it when women please themselves, so try it cant hurt to try, or buy sexy lingre and try turn him on by giveing him a lap dance or some fore play, he likes porn, try find out wat kind he likes and create that moid in the bedroom, hope i help
Yours truely boxOfWisdom
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 March 2011):
Counselling is really the only option you have left. You've tried talking and that's not working. You've tried initiating, and that's not working. He's not fulfilling your needs and it's causing a rift that will soon be irreparable.He sounds like a porn addict to me. Porn is ok, but when it starts effecting your physical relations with your willing partner, that's definitely indicative of a bigger problem.
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A
male
reader, Dreamland  +, writes (17 March 2011):
Porn addictions have ruined a lot of relationships! Guys who watch a lot of porn get caught up in that sex fantasy-land B.S., and they become desensitized when dealing with the real thing. There's nothing wrong with watching porn occasionally if you incorporate your partner into the mix by explaining that you're doing it to spice up your sex life; however, watching porn by yourself incessantly while masturbating will kill any relationship. You need to give him an ultimatum to work this thing out, either through counseling or whatever. You have needs too!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): What is going on is that this relationship (if you could call it that) has run its course. You have spoken to him many times in regards to wanting to become intimate with him. You have initiated it as well. It is not as if he has no clue what you are asking of him. In fact, he blatantly disregards your needs, your wants and desires. Then he has the nerve to tell you that your problems would all be solved if you just shut up and be happy? No, something deep rooted is going on here. I would seek counsel with a therapist. If he refuses to go with you, then seek help on your own. How he treats you is completely unacceptable and it is very fortunate that you are recognizing this and reaching out for help. Dont be fooled into thinking this is all your fault. Figure this out for the sake of your marriage or at least for the sake of your well being and your TRUE happiness.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): There's obviously something going on. It's hard to say what. You're obviously incredibly unhappy and I think it would be wise to either request a non-argumental conversation about it, or perhaps demand one if a request isn't enough. He isn't giving you the attention you want and is rejecting you. I'm not saying he doesn't have the right to say no to you when he's no in the mood, but it isn't right for him to not give you the attention you feel you need in order to be happy.
See if you can talk to him about whats going on? If not maybe you should weigh up how happy you're going to be without sex in this relationship?
Possibly, if he is willing, relationship counselling would be helpful?
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A
male
reader, Jjang19  +, writes (17 March 2011):
A lot of men feel like its too much hassle to have to arouse a girl, and such to go through the whole process of sex. Furthermore, if they are not good at sex, or know you have more sexual experience its like a constant shot at their self esteem when it happens. Try discussing it with him, and ask him how to spice up your sex life. If you are really desperate for physical pleasure maybe consider leaving him and re-join the dating scene
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