A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:After a long four hours discussion with my man yesterday, I found out the reason he is having fear in proposing to me is because he feels I am somewhat of a dictator in a relationship. He feels like I like to be the man in the relationship. And he wants me to be submissive. However I totally disagree with him.I make more money than him. I am in a more professional job than him and we are really two different folks when it comes to our career. I think he is intimidated by my successes and thinks one day if we get married I may be bossing him around. He has warned me several times to leave the bossy tone at work and not bring it home. However I just dont see me doing this. I think if he made as much money and we were in similar professional field he will not feel this way.I will give you an example. I booked a trip last year and he hated me for not consulting him first. I apologized and told him he has been stressed out lately and I wanted to do something nice. Anyways on the day of the trip my man missed his flight so we couldnt go and I lost half of the money. The booking website sent me a reminder that by May 1st if I dont book my flight the remaining credit will be lost. I have friends that will want to go with me but I thought out of respect l needed to ask him. He agreed to go. When we finally settled on his available date, I wanted to let him know that it is important we book the trip as soon as possible so I said "You had better not let us miss this one again and let us go ahead and lock it in once you get the money" This was what I said and he yelled at me that he ahs told me not to be talking to him this way. Was I wrong here? How could I have said it any better?What do you guys think. I have been independent for a long time and never relied on no body. I dont want to make the mistakes my parents made in the past so therefore I tend to be a take charge kind of person when it comes to my life. He on the other hand is kind of passive because he was raised spoilt. Could this be the problem?And if you all do agree that he may be right, can you tell me how I can tone it down because despite his flaws I love him and want to marry him and have kids for him.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 March 2012):
 I am not allowing him”…. What do you mean you are NOT ALLOWING HIM?? He’s a grown up he makes his own decisions YOU are parenting a grown man with this type of attitude…
YOU cannot be with a person with cheating tendencies… he has them so why are you with him? DO YOU THINK YOU CAN CHANGE HIM? You can’t. you are in love with potential not actual behavior… you will forever be disappointed in this man.
You are in an LDR and talking about getting married? How often do you see each other? How far apart are you? Divorce is out of the question… therefore I think marriage for you two should be out of the question as I don’t see this coming to a good resolved end…
Stop talking about how he feels and what HE sees… let’s talk about how UNHAPPY you are with his current behavior… why in the world are you considering marrying a man who’s behavior is unacceptable to you?
“dating a scorpio man” oh dear so now his personality is based on when he was born??? Please like that will make a difference…. He is who he is… he wants what he wants and he’s not going to change.
Can you accept and love him WHERE HE IS RIGHT NOW? Yes? Good then marry him… and know he will chat with women and go to strip clubs… NO? well then cut bait and leave now… you cannot change a person to be what you want and need….
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Talking to women isn't "cheating behaviour". Him not being allowed to talk to other women is very controlling behaviour from you. It shows a lack of respect for him on your behalf, because you do not allow him the right to use his own judgement on what is appropriate or not. Instead you treat him like an object for you to command around. No wonder he is stirring up a fight about it.
"his stupid behavior should not be criticized" You think he acts stupid, so you think you should be allowed to control his moves. This isn't a relationship, this is a controlling and disrespectful situation. He's not your toy, and if he doesn't willingly and naturally act the way you are pleased with then you got to put the foot down on yourself and realize that he isn't what you want. Instead of trying to box him up and force him into being what you want. You and him are looking for two very different things in a relationship. You want a man on a leash, and he wants a relationship with freedom to do his "stupid" things without being judged by his partner.
You and him aren't really interested in each other. So I do not understand why either of you are still pulling at this. He doesn't want you, he wants someone calmer, more "submissive" if you like, someone who doesn't dictate or boss around. And you on the other hand, I don't know what you want. You can't ever have a man in a leash, I can tell you that. So probably what you'd get along with best is a stubborn and strong willed man who will not allow you to boss him around, while he instinctively makes you feel valued and appreciated. If he does not make you feel insecure, or in doubt, you will not have a need to "control" what he does or who he speaks to.
As for being independent and strong willed, that has nothing to do with character. It's something you've trained yourself into being. And while that in itself is great, I am also very independent and strong willed, it doesn't mean you must instinctively have control over your environment or dictate others. I learned the hard way, and maybe you'll have to learn it the same way as me too. I didn't learn what value it is in being more submissive, accepting and tolerant, until I had been in a relationship with an aggressive and controlling man. He didn't allow me to say certain things, or if I happened to say a thing he forbid me to say he'd lash out at me as his "right", since I had disobeyed him. He's physically trap me by holding me, or blocking the exit. He'd yell up in my face, call me names, and be a complete asshole towards me.
After that man I learned that being controlled, being talked to like a child, and being bossed around, is NOT a healthy relationship. You aren't always right, how can you be? But how often do you admit to be at fault for anything? Not often I think. And this hasn't got anything to do with being independent. It's got to do with being self righteous and feeling "higher and better" than your partner.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 March 2012):
 If you have to legislate and enforce his conduct with other women then you're already with someone with cheating tendancies. You're creating a lot of work for yourself and sowing the seeds of rebellion in others.
Establishing limits and boundaries is healthy and the way to do that is to be with someone who already shares your views and lifestyle. It's not about putting your foot down with someone who doesn't.
Don't plan anymore surprise trips for anyone. Most people enjoy them when they were involved in the planning. It gives them something to look forward to. Doing it FOR someone will often leave them feeling indebted to you.
I agree that you should not assume a submissive role especially if you're not inclined that way. Find someone strong, someone you can trust and admire. Not someone you have to train and monitor.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 March 2012):
 Sounds totally dysfunctional, on both sides.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYes he actually used the word "submissive".
When he said it, I said "Baby that should not scare you. You can handle me very well and I am shocked to hear this". He responded "If I can handle you we will not be here"
The "Here" he is refering to is the fact that I am not allowing him to still keep talking to other women. I am putting my foot down from day 1 that I cannot be with someone who has cheating tendencies. He on the other hand thinks that as long as he is not having sexual relations then his stupid behavior should not be criticized.
He has mentioned to me before about his best friend's wife who allows him to do whatever he likes. He told me she lets him to go to strip clubs and wherever ge wants to go to so that makes her a good wife. We are in a LDR so I really dont think I have come off as someone who will tell him not to go to where he pleases. His fear is exactly just that if we do get married, he has to drop some bad habits and he believes I am a strong woman that will not put up with it which could ultimately lead to a divorce. Divorce is out of the question for him so I think he is stalling in making a decision on how to deal with this. I dont think its so much of my tone and how I talk. It is just how he perceives me as someone who will not take nonsense or bullshit from him when we get married as I have already set that tone in the relationship.
I am copying his exact words here from our skype chat last night "My greatest fear are some character in you dat make you act like the man in d hse sometimes, like dictating. That's what im working on to be able to live with"
ANd then we ended "the problem is dat u always want ur reason to be righ.t I love you B. And I sincerely thank you for been there. Your intentions either good or not too good, i belive we all want a goal,... happiness, and happiness we will sure have."
Also wanted to add that our discussion yesterday prompted me to google dating a scorpio man and boy I see why I have been on wild emotional roller coaster with this dude. He wants to be in control and dont want to be told he cant talk to other woman lol what have I got myself into. Yes, this man have tried to play practical jokes with me when I told him If I want to know everything about him, I can. ANd to him, I just crossed him and he sought revenge by now doing those things I warned him not to do even more. This is an excerpt from a dating site.
"Beware of the downfalls of dating a Scorpio male. Scorpio men do not like to compromise so you will have to. They like to be the leaders so for all the independent controlling women out there - you'll have to let him have the power in the dating relationship (he's a good leader, he knows what he's doing, everything he does if for a reason so you don't have to worry about pointless outings and stupid boring dates). He can be very moody for no apparent reason so just be patient and he will return to normal soon enough. If you every get into an argument or a fight, the Scorpio male has the ability to "sting" you, he will actually go out of his way to get revenge so never cheat on him or cross him in any way, this includes lying. Never lie to a Scorpio man because he will never forgive you and he will never forget, he may even go as far as to play cruel practical jokes or trash your reputation, so be careful not to play him while you're dating"
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (12 March 2012):
Did he actually say he wants you to be submissive or is that your interpretation? Submitting to a man is a bad idea. Too many women throughout the ages have tried that only to end up overworked, unsatusfied, exhausted and resentful.
He does have a valid point about you coming across as dictatorial. Any sentence that begins with the words 'you had better' will get anyone's back up. Normally, you'd have every right to be annoyed about losing money because of his tardiness and you should speak up. In this case you brought it on yourself by booking a trip without even consulting him.
If you want to brighten someone's day you do something THEY want and the only way you can know what THEY want is to ASK them. Your man (as you call him) had no say in the where and when. That is most definitely not nice.
Surprises are over rated and most people don't like them. A big part of the enjoyment of a trip is the planning, preparation and anticipation. Your man was robbed of that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 March 2012):
My girlfriend is older than me, and far, far more successful than me. We've now been together for 3 years, and not once have I ever felt threatened by her.
Your boyfriend does feel threatened, badly. He wants you to change, not for yourself, but because he wants you to be moulded it some image he has of a woman in his mind.
Whilst I do think the way you spoke to him about the holiday was a bit like a child, I'm afraid to say that this is the natural progression of a relationship where one person has to take more control because the other is busy throwing their toys out the pram. I've seen this before. The stronger person ends up taking control precisely because the other person won't let anything happen.
You are obviously a strong, successful woman. I would suggest that you need to find someone more comfortable with your success, and someone who is happy with your personality as it is. There are guys out there who do prefer women like you. Right now, you're just not with that guy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): I'm so proud of you for standing your grounds firmly. This man is not only weak, but also a control freak wannabe! Run as far as you can. You deserve waaay better than that total loser. He will realize his loss in time, and it will be too late for him. Break up with him and move on to a relationship with real love and a lot of 'respect' included, with a man who actually appreciate who you are, and able to count his blessings. Certainly not this weak jerk.
Xx Laura
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 March 2012):
""You had better not let us miss this one again and let us go ahead and lock it in once you get the money""
How could you have said it better? By not saying it at all. You talked to him like a child, and even if he was it was unnecessary. It was just a mean thing to say, ripping up something he did in the past. You got to not dig up the snow that fell last year... That's what we say here anyway. If you've got nothing nice to say then don't say anything at all. He is a grown man, he knows what it means if he can't make it: that the money will be lost. Give it a break, rather than go at it over and over.
You say you think it'd be different if he also had a career like yours. Well, maybe. Maybe he'd be bossy as well, and be able to stand up to you whenever you decide to bulldoze over him. Because it sounds like what he is complaining about isn't your career, it's the attitude you bring back home. It's perfectly possible to have a great career and make more money than the man, without being "the boss" at home. You're supposed to be equals... You're treating him as below you, so no wonder he has a problem with it. That comment of yours says it all.
Ultimately it sounds like the problem here is that you don't respect him. So, start with treating him like your equal. Don't take control over him and what he does. Trust in him and rely on him instead. Respect him first and foremost. Just because he is passive, doesn't mean it's because he's spoiled. Tons of passive people are just calm natured and mellow. They will not respond well to being bossed around. So stop giving orders. Don't book trips and then nag at him because he was late for something he didn't even agree to participate in, but that you forced on him. And then to bring it up again for the next trip you are on...
Like I said, if you don't have something positive and nice to say then just keep quiet. Not everything needs to be said. Learning how to control yourself will be of much higher value than trying to control others.
But, you argue on why you are entitled to be the way you are, and have the attitude that he resents. He's not going to just get used to it and let it go you know. If you can't tone it down then you'll lose him. Then again, maybe it is best to realize that love does not conquer all, and you probably do need someone less passive, and more bossy, to match you and balance you out. Just be warned... such a person might not be the one to make you happy. You'll be better off if you tone it down and leave "the boss" at work. If it wont help you now then it'll help you in future relationship.
Your partner is always your equal, regardless of his work or income. You need to treat him as such.
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A
male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 It's never wise to try to change your core personality in order to suit your partner as more often than not you run the risk of resenting them for it later on down the road. He has to somehow deal with whatever is causing these negative emotions that seem to swing his way every now and then whether by counselling or other means.
There's nothing wrong with you!!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): You were in the wrong. A relationship is supposed to be between equals and peers, not between boss-subordinate. But you act as if you are his boss, or like you're his mother and he's your kid, because you make unilateral decisions and you talk to him in a blaming or scolding tone rather than taking equal responsibility for things that go wrong. Even this isn't a good way for a boss to treat subordinates (not if you want your subordinates to actually respect you and be motivated).He does not want you to be "more submissive" instead he wants you to stop acting like you're the boss of him or like you're his mother.Being independent and take-charge has nothing to do with bossy. You can be independent and strong and take-charge while being kind and compassionate. Think Mother Teresa for example. Thinking that you're always right and he's always wrong, and berating him, is NOT being independent it's being narrow minded.That said, there are men who are not going to mind this as much as him. there will be men who'll just tune out your bossiness and not be bothered. So if you can't or don't want to change your style, then just chalk it up to being incompatible and move on to find someone different.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): He doesn't see you as his future wife because you don't make him feel strong and masculine and you don't bring out his protective instinct. Men require this to fall and stay in love. You nurture a man's ego and he will give you the world. You become the masculine force and not only will he not marry you, he'll bide his time and then leave you for someone more feminine. You don't have enough feminine energy about you to keep him around and that's what he's trying to tell you. Feminine does not mean submissive and men aren't very good with adjectives but that's what he means. It's not that men don't like smart, strong, successful women...it's just not what they are looking for in a partner. They want feminine, nurturing, affectionate and warm...someone to be their complement in life..not competition. If you don't want to soften up a bit, lose your armor, then you will have to find a nice beta male to complement you. You can't have it both ways...a stronger, more masculine man will require ego stroking and won't tolerate anyone emasculating him. His warning is loud and clear so it's just a matter of time unless something major changes.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (12 March 2012):
“he wants me to be…” “however I totally disagree with him”
The above are FUNDAMENTAL differences. HE WANTS something TOTALLY OPPOSITE of who and what you are…
Booking a trip for two of you without consulting with him is NOT about your employment or how much you make… that is very controlling behavior… he missed his flight… that’s PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE behavior at it’s finest… in this case YOU WERE BOTH WRONG. You for taking control and him for not talking it out then and there.
Then you treated him like a child with “you’d had better not let us miss this one again” OUCH…. You didn’t have to miss the trip you could have gone without him…
How could you have said it better? “honey I really can’t wait to go on this trip… if you need me to lend you some money now so we can book the tickets I’d be happy to do so” but to chastise him like a CHILD… not good. I see clearly why he thinks you are too controlling.
Being raised spoiled does not make you passive…. Being controlling and taking charge does not mean you don’t make mistakes.
I do not for one second think this will work for you two… your fundamental personality is take charge and he does not like YOUR FUNDAMENTAL personality. How long have you two been dating?
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