A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I are 30 years old.I am not sure if I should be worried about this or not.I have been with my him for 13 months now. I have known from the day one of the relationship that he watches porn on the computer and he a has several porn DVDs. THis really did not bother me as we would have sex almost everyday. Well after a few months we would still have sex but it has been months that I am the one who always ask for it and I feel like he is just doing it to make me happy..I am so open minded and up for anything. I always say that I will try anything at least once. In the other hand he is super close minded.He is not willing to try anything new and when I talk to him about him not initiating sex ever he says that he enjoys having sex with me and that is just his style and he does not need it as much as I do he guesses!!now after 13 months we do have sex like 2 to 3 times a week and that is again me going to him. I thoughht to myself if he is so crazy about the porn if I bring it to our bedroom maybe he stops watching it all the time by himself and kind of feel comfortable about it BUT that did not work at all!it makes me feel sick when I wake up in the morning and check the computer and see that he watched his porn before he went to work. Please do not get me wrong I do love to watch porn myself But not everyday when I do have a boyfriend. I just do not understand why he would do that everyday when he has an attractive woman in his bed who is always ready to go and is open to anything he asks for!!! In the other hand I think this is better for him to do that online instead of going to the bars and chase the women! to me this just does not make sense. If I was one of the women who had a low sex drive and was close minded then I would totaly understand and if he was only going to watch the porn once in awhile then I would understand it too but why does he have to do it everytime I am not home and every single morning when I am in bed and would love him to come to me and have sex with me?? Is he mentaly sick? Should I ask him to go to get some professional help?I love him to death but this everyday porn watching really bothers me!!!By the way, he does know that I know he watches porn SOMETIMES but he does not know that I do check on him everyday and I know that he does watch it everyday! I am not sure how to bring it up that I do know that he does it every morning when I am sleeping before he goes to work or when he is back from work and I am still not home!!!Please help,
View related questions:
porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2009): hi i have the same problem mt boyfriend watches porn everyday after i have left for work we have been together for 3yrs now and have a beautiful daughter and when i confronted him about it and suggested that he may have an addiction he said that he didn't and that he just had a high sex drive and would i prefer him to watch porn or go out and pay for sex but i just and he tells me that he thinks about me when watching but i just don't believe him when he tells me this can someone help me is their any proffesional help out their for anyone that has an addiction?
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): Hi;
I am having a similar issue. My boyfriend is 19 and I am 18 and he likes to watch porn. I am someone who is very turned off by sex and I am a little hurt by it, but I know I can't do anything about it because all guys watch porn. He used to be perverted with other girls but claims he stopped. He is an online boyfriend, but he has talked about marriage and such, but I honestly don't think I can be with him if he gets mad if I try to take away the porn.
I have even told him that we may break up some point because I cannot handle the porn and he says that I cannot do anything about it and he will always watch porn. My ex cheated on me many times, and I do not want to get hurt again.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2008): Dear Anonymous, I am in your boat. I am 23 he is 32 - we live in the same town - but not together. We have dated for just under 1 yr. - we have recently discussed the porn issue 3x's since December. At first I was so shocked - but like you I am open to anything - I told him this, he responds well in the conversation and makes me feel at ease about our sex life. I dress up - introduced the lubes, toys, modest but sexy and he enjoyed them - but still views porn way more often - when I'm here a lot and he knows my sex drive is high. I initiate all the time - lately here - I can understand working and being tired - but c'mon I'm thinking - ravage me after work or whenever your libido will have me - and to no avail - we do have a healthy emotional and sexual relationship and I think the communication lines are in place - but they are not working. I have been doing some research on the internet about how to engage him more - how to be the fantasy girl. Like you, I am attractive for him and he expresses his sexual attraction for me as I do mine for him. Instead of viewing blondes in internet porn, my bf looks at brunettes - and almost all of the images and clips he views - the women have bigger breasts than I do. I love him - but I think you and I both have a big issue that lies ahead. The thing I'm having the most trouble with is all of my unanswered questions I feel like I almost shouldn't bring up with him - why so much - why so risque - why are you not this risque in our sex life - (I've asked him to tell me his fantasy and he shyed away) I am not about to go to therapy for this and even writing anonymously feels a bit naughty as far as relationships goes - but honestly I googled the phrase "my boyfriend watches porn more than we have sex" and I cried when I read your entry - good luck - and just know you're not alone dealing with this touchy subject in this age and time - sex is not taboo anymore - so why is it so hard for men to communicate what they want in a loving relationship with a sexually charged and attractive partner?Anyone....?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2007): Send him a link to www.no-porn.com
I bet he'll be very upset with you. You are with a porn addict. Educate yourself and make a right decision for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2007): Having read a lot about this subject (porn), I am still undecided about the effects in a loving relationship but here goes, I'll offer an opinion anyway.
First thing that struck me here is that the man is potentially thinking of breaking up with his girlfriend over his use of porn - if that doesn't strike a chord of a man with a serious porn use problem then I don't know what will. You would break up with someone and choose paper/celluloid girls over your girlfriend!!!!!!!!!! That's the problem with porn, it's insipid and insidious; the common theme among relationships that worries me is that men very often choose it over their loving relationships. What seems to happen is that the men stop having sex with their partners, but their partners can see that they are regularly viewing porn sites. Ouch, that's gotta hurt, hasn't it. And, at the end of the day, you are copping off looking at other women. My bf persuaded me to watch one with him on the proviso that we might get some hints and tips (a common argument men will use). So I did; getting hints and tips from porn is rather like trying to get relationship advice from a romance novel - a non starter. And it felt like our intimacy had been taken away - there we were coldly looking at other people fucking. So yes, you get that instant gratification of feeling turned on, but equally it felt degrading and in the words of my bf, he sheepishly looked at me and said "it's a bit primitive isn't it"? He also said "it's boring really and they all follow the same format". He wasn't saying that for my benefit, that is how he felt - yet he will still watch it - can anyone answer that one? I think it stems back to their childhood or whenever they first get into it - it seems illicit and exciting and that feeling stays with them throughout their adult life. Equally, why are men furtive about it? Apparently, my bf's best friend told me that when I got together with my bf, he threw away his porn stash (I didn't ask him to - I didn't even know about it). Why would he do that if he feels it's a good thing??
His friend also has the argument "all men do it" - well, this is not really an argument is it??? It is men's justification for doing it and feeling better about it.
My bf's friend, who is an avid porn fan, and I often get into arguments over this one. He remarked that he turns to porn because sex can sometimes get a "bit routine". Again, that's the problem with porn. It makes you disastisfied with your parner and an expectation that your women is going to have to behave like the porn stars in the bedroom to keep you interested. I then asked him what he did in the relationship to solve the routine sex problem - he looked suprised that I had asked him to be accountable in his relationships - if the sex is routine then it requires both of you to help solve it. Another comment on here was that a man wanted his gf to dress up like the porn stars; bless her she went and put a teashirt on and some high heels, which as the bloke said didn't quite do what he wanted. Again, what was he doing to turn her on?? Would he be prepared to dress up like a fireman, if that was her thing, and parade around, knowing all the time that it wasn't him turning her on, but the fantasy she had created. In fact tonight, I am going to get an old chippendales dvd out (that's about as risque as I got) and say to my bf that I only get turned on after watching it and just him along doesn't quite cut the muster; that I need to see other men naked before I'll have sex with him - or Brad Pitt perhaps - imagine if I say to him - please dress up and act like Brad Pitt and then I'll be really turned on enough to have sex with you -get real - he'd be devasted - just like a lot of women out there are. Yes, I'm liberal enough to have watched the porn with my bf as it's hard to offer an opinion on something you have never watched. As I say, my gut feel without completing my research, is that it is bad and unhealthy in a loving relationship. My bf turns me on enormously and I don't need that feeling to be diluted or adulterated by porn. And the fact that this guy is prepared to give up reality for fantasy is currently confirming my views that porn is dehumanising and unhealthy. If you want to go and get turned on, be inspired by life and it's realities; stop hiding in your fantasy world.
...............................
A
male
reader, nflguy  +, writes (7 December 2007):
I will let you in on a secret that most guys won't admit to. We all watch porno. We could be married for 10 yrs and we still like porn. Guys masturbate at least once a day (if they are really busy) and more often then that if they have free time. You can be VERY satisfied sexually with your partner and you will still masturbate. It has nothing to do with your wife or GF. It's how guys are wired. The more sex you have will decrease the frequency of porn watching and masturbation but won't come close to eliminating it.
If he demands to watch porn everytime you have sex then you have a right to complain.
There are two kinds of men in the world. Those who masturbate and those who lie about it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (7 December 2007):
 He is not sick. he is bored a bit. There are millions of men out there whose situation is exactly like yours. I am almost certain, the fact that he makes love when YOU ask for it, is more stimulating for him. And after 13 months of having sex almost everyday, I am guessing it is almost ok to have sex 2-3 times a week. But the fact that he is close minded is not good, but this is another issue. I think he wil get more excited when he is able to try variations with you. But then again this might a mental block for him simply he might be kind of traditional guy and might be taking you seriously and with respect as regards sex. Hence the convantional sex. So talk to him more about unconvetional ways of sex and tell him that it is not gonna hurt:) you or him.
He will get fed up with porn and it will less and less visible in his morning rituals:).Let him watch dont get bothered.
...............................
A
female
reader, hello1  +, writes (7 December 2007):
 Does he know how upset you are by it? Guys watch porn thats a fact, but everyday? thats a bit high. Tell him how you feel and see if it cools down a bit. If it dosen't, he may be addicted to it.
...............................
A
female
reader, minew +, writes (7 December 2007):
 LET HIM READ THIS MAYBE IT'LL HELP! I NEEDED MY EYES OPENED ASWELL.I THANK THE PERSON WHO DID IT FOR ME.
MY BOYFRIEND AND I ALREADY WENT THROUGH ALL THIS A YEAR AGO, AND HE DOES LOOK AWAY WHEN A WOMAN IS DRESSED PROVOCATIVLEY.HE DOES NOT WANT ME TO SHARE MY BODY WITH OTHER MEN,LIKE THE "WOMEN" ON T.V/ADS ..ECT.HE LOVES ME SOOO MUCH,AND I THINK IF PEOPLE WAIT (WAS SINGLE FOR 2YRS)YOU CAN FIND SOMEONE WHO REALLY LOVES AND CARES ABOUT YOU.DANIEL AND I KNOW THAT WE'LL BE TOGETHER FOREVER.
THE FUNNY THING IS,IS IF ALL OF US ...MEN $ WOMAN TOOK A STAND FOR OURSELVES AND SAID WE DIDN'T THINK WHAT IS ON T.V ECT... IS ACCEPTABLE AT ALL!!ESPECIALLY FOR OUR CHILDREN..IT WOULD STOP!!WE HAVE THE POWER TO CONTROL WHAT IS ON T.V BELIEVE IT OR NOT!!WE NEED TO TAKE A STAND.MEN $ WOMEN,AND I BET FOR BOTH GENDERS WE WOULD FIND MORE CARING AND LOVING RELATIONSHIPS.WE HAVE TO STOP WORRYING WHEN THE NEXT PENIS,OR BOOB,OR ASS(XUSE ME)IS GONNA POP OUT FROM AN AD/T.V/TALK ON RADIO STATIONS.OUR KIDS ARE INVOLVED IN THIS TOO.THEY SEE HOW IRRISPONSIBLE WE ALL ARE BEING.AND THEY WILL GET PREGNANT,GET STD'S AT 13/14YRS OF AGE IF WE DON'T STOP.GET A GRIP ADULTS.THIS NEEDS TO STOP,NOT JUST FOR THE CHILDREN,BUT FOR THE HEALTH OF THE POPULATIONS!!I HOPE PEOPLE READ THIS AND SPREAD THE WORD.MY BOYFRIEND $ MANY OTHER MEN $ WOMEN DO NOT THINK ANY OF WHAT GOES ON TODAY AS FAR AS EXPLOITATION,IS GOOD OR COOL.IT HURTS,AND IS HURTING OUR LIL' ONES.CORNY...BUT OPRAH HAD A WHOLE SHOW DEDICATED TO "HOW TO STOP EXPLOITATION OF WOMEN $ MEN".PUT IT LIKE THIS. WHILE US "NORMAL" PEOPLE ARGUE,CRY,HATE,BREAK-UP,..ECT.THE PEOPLE BEHIND ALL OF THESE "GREAT" T.V IDEAS ARE JUST RAKING IN THE $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$DOLLAS.I HATE SEEING HOW THIS WORLD IS EVOLVING.SO MUCH PAIN.I SAY ALL REAL WOMEN AND MEN(THOSE OF US NOT ON ADS/T.V..ECT) THROW AWAY OUR MAKE-UP,SMUT MAGS,NOT PAY ATTENTION TO EXPLOITATION,VOICE HOW UPSET WE ARE,AND START TO SEE A CHANGE.IT'S ALMOST GONNA BREAK,I CAN FEEL IT.WE GOTTA START SOMETHING BIG AND IT HAS TO BE SOON.IT'S A VERY DIFFERENT THING TO LOOK AT A WOMAN/MAN'S NICE HAIR(HOPEFULLY NATURAL),NICE SWEATER,EYES..ECT THAN TO LOOK AT A MAN IN A G STRING OR GIRL IN HOOKER BOOTS.COME ON ,AND WE ALL KNOW IT,WE JUST HIDE BEHIND IT,FRANKLY BECAUSE I THINK WE ARE STILL ALL SHOCKED THAT THIS IS STILL ALL ALLOWED AND ACCEPTED TO BE SHOWED IN THE ALL AROUND PUBLIC,AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS SOOOOOOO WRONG!!SOME PEOPLE IN HIGHER POSITIONS HAS MAJOR PROBLEMS OR IS WANTING TO GET BACK AT SOMEONE IBN THEIR OWN LIFE AND WE ALL HAVE TO SUFFER.GROUPS OF PEOPLE WITH THE SAME PROBLEMS.WANTING TO SHOCK,CONFUSE,MAKE BELIEVE OF THINGS,HURT PEOPLE.A WEIGHT LOSS COMMERCIAL WITH A YOUNG GIRL(17YRS TARGET AGE FOR THESE PREDATORS)SAYING "IF YOU LOSE WEIGHT YOU CAN MAKE OTHER PEOPLE JEALOUSE.UMMM..CALL ME CRAZY,BUT THAT IS BITCHY AND RUDE.WHY WOULD A PERSON WANT THAT.IT'S MEAN.WHY NOT A POSITIVE MESSAGE.COME ON PEEPS!!!!P.S MY B/F IS REALLY GREAT,WE TALK ABOUT OTHER WOMAN&MEN,BUT ABOUT A SHIRT OR COAT WE LIKE , AND SOMETIMES WE TALK ABOUT HOW RETARDED THE HALF NAKED MORON ON T.V (MAN/WOMEN)LOOKS,& HOW REDICULOUS HIM OR I WOULD BE TO DRESS UP LIKE THAT...KINDA MAKES ME LAUGH NOW..LOL.COME TOGETHER GUYS! WE HAVE TO !! LOVE TO EVERYONE!SEND THIS AROUND! XOXOXOXO,U CAN EMAIL ME TO TALK ABOUT THIS STUPID CRAP WE ALL WAIST OUR TIME ON IF YOU WANT, [email address blocked]
...............................
A
female
reader, Megan Deetes +, writes (7 December 2007):
 According to a website i recently found about what turns guys on- the number 1 turn on is when a woman asks to watch a porn movie with a man. :S dont ask me why but fair enough :D
She suggests watching something dirty
"Most men aren't particularly proud of their porn obsession (pornographers are just so good at marketing it to us!). So it goes without saying that having a girl suggest a "blue movie" is as big a relief as it is a turn-on. Who doesn't get charged up watching beautiful professionals pleasuring each other while doing some pleasuring of their own? Dirty flicks also provide lots of great ideas and suggestions (along with a bit of penis envy) and can keep things super-steamy for hours. Bonus: You can watch her searching for the right movie at the store for a glimpse into those closet ideas she isn't quite ready to reveal yet."
Try it out and if you need further help mail me Good Luck :)
...............................
A
female
reader, anni23 +, writes (7 December 2007):
Hi there,
It sounds as though your boyfriend may be slightly depressed. Usually a low sex drive is linked with stress and depression. So there may be a problem here or he maybe insecure. This may also be linked to why he watches so much porn. It is definelty something you need to bring up. Bring it up when you are in a calm mood so he doesn't feel that you are angry at him. Tell him he can be honest with you and that you will help him through it. If it is a case of depression then talking will definetly help.
With this kind of situation, the only thing that can help it is talking about it. At first he maybe be reluctent to talk but that may be just because he is embarrased. He may even brush it of at first so don't expect him to tell you everything at once. You may have to ask a few times just to make sure that he feels comfortable discussing things with you. I would not worry to much you have only know each other for over a year so there is still so much time to sort things out. I hope this has been of some help.
All the best of luck
take care
...............................
|
