A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Please can I have some advice! I met my NOW ex- boyfriend 8 months ago. From the very first moment he saw me I could see he fancied me.. he even stuttered when he spoke to me. He made all the effort and I was chuffed because all the other girls in the office fancied him. He did everything he could for me and told me after a just a few weeks that he had this over whelming feeling for me that he's never felt before. I ended up going to Greece for a few weeks and we spoke every night and day on the phone. We've spent every weekend together and speak every evening on the phone.Then I noticed he started going round his friends house more and more often. I also found out that he had lied about his age... he said he was 20.. in fact only 19. Throughout the relationship I devoted all my time to him.. We did argue alot but as far as I was concerned we loved each other. He used to tell me how I was the only one for him and we even planned our wedding and our first child's name! We were each others first loves and I was also a virgin before I met him.His family really like me and they told me how much he'd changed for the better after he met me... apparently he was a rogue before I came along.In the last few weeks before we split.. we had a huge argument and he said in the heat 'oh well Ive been sleeping with a girl form work' I was stunned by this, but he's generally immature anyway.. i let the comment go because I know how insecure he is about me with other men.. but it stuck int he back of my mind. He said he said it to hurt me cos I was hurting him.New years eve it erupted and we had a huge argument about it and I went to hit him. The next day he said he needs a break. Like a fool I kept calling and texting him and he kept blocking me off saying how busy he was.. I was so incredibly hurt by this.. I was used to his call the minute I woke up...all day and seeing him.. and all that stopped. Eventually he called me and said apparently his mate had seen me out with another guy...and was this true? complete crap.. and that he still loved and wanted to be with me but that he just needed a break to sort his head out.A few days later he had been calling me but I was at work. he called me later on and started moaning about how I was making our 'reunion' difficult and why wasn't I calling him again and stuff. Then he sent me a text pretending that it was meant for another girl.I got so fed up I said to him.. lets just leave this.. its not gonna work. He called me every name under the sun and some really vile stuff. I chucked my phone out the window. A week later I called him nd he just said he didn't ever want to see or speak to me again!I was so hurt. How could a guy who loved me so much do this?? I went to his work the next day like a fool crying and asking what id done and the only thing he seemed concerned about was his job.. and why i had gone down there.. not the fact that I was on he verge of a break down.he called later that day on my house to see if i was ok and my mum told him to never contact me again and how much hurt he had caused me..After that day I vowed not to call him anymore... a week later he called my house and randomly asked me if id text him.. which I hadn't and then hung up.Its been 2 weeks now since I heard his voice and three weeks since I saw him. I wish I understood what happened here?? How could he stop loving me.. cos he really was in love with me.. besotted by me!I'm devastated. I feel so lonely, insecure, inadequate... I keep thinking maybe the sex wasn't good enough for him.. maybe he found someone better than me who didn't moan at him as much. Please cans someone give me there opinion or advice on this?! Its weird to think I may never here from this guy who became the love of my life ever again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2007): Your problem is exactly the same as mine, so much so its creepy! I met a someone who was attracted to me, but at the time didnt have mutual feelings, I only met him once and was seeing someone. Within a few weeks we ran into each other again and this time i was single. We talked all day for weeks and eventually got together. I too went away to greece and he admitted he loved me and only realised how strong his feelings were when i had gone. We were inseprable and i loved everything about him. Lots of events happened in our time together, such as other people being hurt which made us realise what we had. After several months i could see us being together for years and he talked about that too, one day we had alot on and hadnt seen each other for a couple of days. he just turned round and said he needed space and wanted to go out with his mates more. I stupidly let him do this without a word thinking it would push him away further if i didnt. he was always extremely jealous of me but loved to show how much other lasses thought of him. total mind games!! it messes with your head so you cant even think straight. I havent spoke to him about getting back together once. the times of your own are incredibly lonely and you feel like you have no confidence or ever going to love somebody again, but have you ever thought that this pain is the fact you arent with anyone and not being loved and not the fact that its him you miss, cos i can tell you lifes easier without the arguments and the game playing! i hit depression with a thud but one slight attraction to someone else and the chance of something with him has made me realise it wasnt him i missed, just missed being loved by someone and being part of a couple. Dont worry you will get there eventually, time eases pain dont forget!
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 February 2007):
 Normally in a relationship the first 6 months or so are rosy, everything is going well and you can't think of anyone but the person you're with but as time goes on and reality sinks in, things change. The "honeymoon period" as it is sometimes called diminishes and real life sets in. He may well have been influenced by his friends too, asking and teasing him about you, telling him to go out with them more instead of devoting so much time with you, he was a bit of a "rogue" after all.
Although you had your moments together you also had a lot of volatile times too, he seemed to be very jealous of you and maybe felt insecure in himself when some other male showed you attention. He's also pushed your confidence and self esteem to an all time low and you need to get that back again. Whether he did sleep with this other girl is anyone's guess, maybe he just said that to hurt you, maybe not... did you ever find out the truth there?
I don't think it's the right time for you two to be together, I think he has a lot of growing up to do. Calling you vile names the way he did proves he finds it difficult to handle things in a mature way. He seems very immature for his age and very insecure too. He's confused with his feelings for you, not wanting to be with you but not wanting to fully let you go either, hence the texts and phone calls asking you if you just text him.
I wouldn't get in touch with him for a while. If you do still like him and he gets in touch with you then tell him you still have a lot of feelings for him but you can't carry on the way things are at the moment and need some time out from him to be by yourself. Think in your mind whether or not you think he brings the best out in you. How much have you changed since you got with him? Do you think you've changed for the better? Can you see yourself with him living together in say 5, 10 years time? Do you think he can love and protect you the way you deserve to be loved and protected? Do you have respect for him? Does he have for you?
All these questions need to be answered. Here are a couple of links that will help you get your confidence and self esteem back again.
http://pickbrains.com/how-do-i-build-up-my-confidence
http://www.selfesteem4women.com/index.php
http://www.wikihow.com/Find-Yourself
Do the self esteem test and see just how high it is at the moment. The same website will give you ways to raise your self esteem if it's fallen too low.
Give yourself time out from this man. In time to come, once he matures a bit more you may WANT to try again, he's your first love, of course you have feelings for him, doesn't mean he's the one though. Give yourself space for now to find yourself. You'll soon know with time...
Eve
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A
female
reader, melschatbox  +, writes (17 February 2007):
 Hi. I like Sams question: Does he make you feel strong on the inside? If not..then just keep looking and chalk this one up to a learning experience. It's interesting to me though, that you're first intimate relationship only lasted 8 months. Mine lasted 5 years. I'm only speaking from my experience. The greatest part of new relationships is the good feelings that other person brings out in you. You two also seemed to have a volatile relationship with fragile tempers. That's not good. But, sometimes learning how to deal with other people takes time and patience. I can't tell you why he stopped calling you or loving you. His hormones may mean more to him than you. He may be interested in sowing his oats. Take some time and think about what you think happened. You know the answer.
Best Wishes
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A
female
reader, Sam23 +, writes (16 February 2007):
Hi there,You seem genuinely sad that your relationship has ended and mention him being "the love of my life". Yet you do not say what exactly he did to make you feel this way or what you had in common. It sounds like you believe in love at first sight and decided to follow through with this relationship for that reason.You mention feeling close to him because you talked over the phone and spent weekends together, yet you do not seem to understand what makes him tick. A lot of the arguments you describe sound like guesses into his mind, as oppose to concrete understanding of the way he thinks.Interestingly, you mention his family, and say that they see you as a positive influence on him - is he a positive influence on you? You also make a point of stating that other girls "fancied" him, suggesting your feelings arose from the wish to be admired as his girlfriend, rather than from your own soul.You also mention being on the "verge of a mental breakdown" - over this relationship? Or is there something deeper that distresses you? It sounds like you feel intensely fragile at the moment, and this ex-boyfriend perpetuates such feelings. To be in love is to be fragile and vulnerable but only because such vulnerability can be weighed against the strength that a true love can give. Answer this question first - does he make you feel strong on the inside?Good Luck !
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