A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem with my boyfriend of 9 months. Everything in our relationship is great except for the sex. I do enjoy having sex with him very very much, but I can’t orgasm without a vibrator on my clitoris. I don’t know why and I wish it wasn’t like that but that’s the only way I have ever been able to. I told him this after a few months and his reaction was not very supportive. We talked about how it’s very important to me that i “get off” just like he does and I thought he understood. However, the first time we ever used it together he got aggravated that i was taking too long. Then he said he was sorry and insensitive and I reluctantly used it with him during sex a few times after that. Then for a few weeks he just stopped bringing it up. When we would start fooling around, he wouldn’t bring it up at all. He would get in, get off, and get out without much consideration for my needs. He would perform oral sex on me and is always very affectionate and sweet, but he would never take the initiative to pull out the vibrator and satisfy me completely, if you know what I mean. One day when we were about to have sex, I finally brought it up and suggested we use it and his reaction was not positive. He kind of grunted and squinted his eyes like he was upset I said anything about it and didn’t really say anything in response except “ oh yeah ok” as if it was an awful thing to suggest but he would go along with it for my sake. so I was upset and then, again, he apologized. Now I am at my wits end! Last night he suggested we use it, but now I am so distracted when I’m trying to enjoy myself that I can’t because I know that he doesn’t like it and is only doing it to shut me up. Why is this such an issue??? I don’t want to bring it up anymore because I feel like there is something wrong with me and the way he responds doesn’t make me feel any better. I know he doesn’t enjoy using it on me or having me use it on myself, but what am I supposed to do when it’s the only way I can reach orgasm?? I feel stupid and abnormal and I just want him to find the thought of me getting off hot, not annoying. I don’t understand why he doesn’t WANT to get me off! I try to explain that I didn’t want to use it last time he brought it up because of the way he’s made me feel about it in the past, but he doesn’t understand. I’m so upset and confused and he says I’m just bitching and if I won’t let him do anything about it then we just shouldn’t talk about it. What can I say or do to make him understand I have needs to that he should be HAPPY and EXCITED to meet?? I’m more than happy to get him off no matter what the means, why can’t it be the same?
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clitoris, oral sex, orgasm, vibrator Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, maryglen +, writes (2 March 2011):
hey i know this is an old post but must add my two cents . i could orgasm with a man because that what i started with. women write they cant orgasm without a vibrator its because thats how they learned . now they will never have a climax with a man . thats what the world wants ..like opra telling women to buy thier young daughters a vibrator . women who can only have a vibrator satisfy them . are jealous of women who can be satisfied by a man will go to measures to see young women and girls have
A
female
reader, lefegeh  +, writes (16 March 2009):
i have never been able to climax ever with my hand , ive tried and tried and nothing!
i suggested using my vibrator in sex and my boyfriend was supportive, but if its used too much i see in his face he feels inadequite because he cant make me go with his hand or penis, he has been close with his hand and mouth but never actually got there... it does suck
recently my vibrator died on me and i am yet to buy a new one , it has been 3 weeks and no climax , my boyfriend has been putting more effort but nothing yet, i know this didnt give you any answears but i feel like were kinda in the same boat :) if you figure it out i would love the advice..... im still working on it. lol argh
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A
female
reader, vsnod +, writes (18 April 2008):
 Ok, you are not alone on this. Many women cannot get off from just sex. In fact, MANY women do NOT reach orgasm through vaginal intercourse alone. Some men do not understand this, but there is usually nothing you can do about this and it is WAY more common than you think! You don't have to feel bad about that. Maybe it would make him feel better if he can use his hand to get you off? Don't stop communication, because I think that is key to a good sexual relationship.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (18 April 2008):
 I didn't mean you had to throw the vibrator away, just kind of shelve it for a bit. As for masturbation ideas, PM me and I'll tell you what's worked for me. Otherwise, you can type 'masturbation' into the search box on the upper right hand side of the page and I'll bet you'll see some already written advice.
Think of this as a new start, not a loss, okay? It'll be worth it in the end.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you so much for all of your advice. i desperately want to be able to orgasm without the vibrator. i really reeally do. im just afraid i wont be able to! i'm 20 and ive been using it for years. i've NEVER EVER even come close to climax without it during intercourse. im scared there is something wrong with me! i am going to throw it away however and try my best to learn to orgasm without it. thank you again for all your advice and if you have any advice on how i can pleasure myself without the vibrator (i know that soundsweird but i really haven't masturbated without one ever so i don't really know what to do) i'd really REALLY appreciate it!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 I think that the most important point here is to solve the problem. We can focus on the man being selfish, or on how much it would put you off to have this or that, and still not give help.
I believe Tisha-1 is right here. This is the post about the way a woman learned to know her own body so she didn't need to make use of the vibrator anymore. Can you try this, poster?
It would help if he simply understood that, for the time being, you need the vibrator. But I think that your learning about your body would be best. If here were more understanding in this regard and just let you use the vibrator all the time, you would have your orgasms, but you wouldn't learn about your own body. It could be the worst solution to the problem because it would be only a palliative.
I think you should do two things: trying to make him understand the facts, and then trying to learn yourself the way Tisha did.
Also, can't he use manual stimulation? Oral? A feather?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (16 April 2008):
 Only you can answer that question.
Try it with and without the vibrator and see which is more enjoyable.
It is your body and only you can find out which you prefer.
Before he did not like it but after he saw your hurt, he did it for you .
Now you don't think it is fun anymore .I pity him , no
matter what he is doing , it does not seem to please you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question I understand how using the vibrator may make my boyfirend feel that he "isn't enough" or that he " can't get the job done" and I agree that I would be pretty hurt if the i couldn't give him an orgasm. However, women and men are VERY VERY different in this department. Men usually have the problem of coming too fast where women have the problem of not being able to come at all. So it is unreasonable to compare the two. And I believe if he came to me and said that he just can't get off any other way and that it was nothing that I was doing wrong, I would have no other choice but to accept it and fully support him in whatever made him feel good. I don't understand why he can't do the same for me. I still don't know what to do. My problem isn't really that he is unwilling to use it, because he is now willing to use it to "fix the problem." My problem has become how uncomfortable I feel and how stupid I feel using it now that I know his true feelings about it. If the situation were reversed and he was the one unable to get off, I would do more to make him feel okay about himself and I would be wayyyy more enthusiastic when using whatever device was going to get him off than he is being towards me. Now I can't seem to come even when using a vibrator (in front of him) because of his reaction in the beginning and him unwillingness to use it recently. I hope that makes sense! Please someone, should I really try to do away with the vibrator and just have natural orgasms? Should I talk to him more about it? PLease help, I'm at a loss. I appreciate very very much all the responses I've gotten so far.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (16 April 2008):
Er, to the last poster, was that a score? I really was hoping to have a male uncle give a man's perspective on this one...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Tisha 1, Laura 0.I don't think women quite understand how much it would affect them if they were unable to give their man an orgasm. I think many women would find that deeply unsettling.Yes, we understand it is more difficult for some women to come and it takes more time. But on a deeper level it is difficult if your wife prefers her vibrator to you.....This is a issue needing discussed:Should a male partner just accept it?If there was anything approaching a male equivalent device and trust me, there is not yet, this would become a lesser issue.Evolving dinosaur
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Tisha 1, Laura 0.
I don't think women quite understand how much it would affect them if they were unable to give their man an orgasm. I think many women would find that deeply unsettling.
Yes, we understand it is more difficult for some women to come and it takes more time. But on a deeper level it is difficult if your wife prefers her vibrator to you.....
This is a issue needing discussed:
Should a male partner just accept it?
If there was anything approaching a male equivalent device and trust me, there is not yet, this would become a lesser issue.
Evolving dinosaur
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A
female
reader, mama2three +, writes (14 April 2008):
 Okay, you're not alone in this :) I have the same problem, but I am lucky enough to have a husband that is more than okay when I use a 'bullet' to stimulate my clit during sex.
Actually, I think you might be surprised at how many women can not have orgasms from vaginal penetration alone. There are a lot of women out there who need the clitoral stimulation in order to experience orgasm. There's nothing wrong with us, but sometimes we just aren't vaginally sensitive enough, or things don't quite line up.
I've NEVER had an orgasm without clitoral stimulation. Never. Sometimes it's a bit of a mood-killer when I know I have to drag out the stupid vibrating bullet in order to orgasm, but after finding out that this can be normal and that there are other women out there who deal with it, it's not such a big deal.
At first, my husband was a little...put off by my need to stimulate my clitoris during sex. I had to explain to him exactly what was going on, how I've NEVER experienced orgasm without clitoral stimulation. I can tell you that when I choose NOT to use the bullet or 'masturbate' during sex, it makes him feel good and special, but I still don't have an orgasm. I had to address with him that there's nothing he's doing wrong, and that actually, just because I don't have an orgasm doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the sex. It feels good, I just can't orgasm.
I don't know if I can help you much with your problem, except just talk to him and let him know (not before sex or during sex or anything) that this has always happened, this is how it's always been.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 April 2008):
I'm quite sure he wants to get you off, otherwise he wouldn't be with you. My guess here is that the presence of the vibrator is a big sign to him that he is not enough for you. I'm hoping the agony uncles weigh in with the male point of view, so that you can see it from a man's perspective.
I understand about using the vibrator, because when I was learning about my body and my sexual response it too was the only way I could orgasm. But it was just a tool to help me learn what felt good. The problem with using only a vibrator to reach orgasm, to me, is that you aren't learning what orgasm feels like with hand, fingers or mouth or with clitoral stimulation during intercourse. I fully agree with you that your pleasure during sex is as important as his, by the way.
To him, I daresay, it's too clinical and cold and negates all his efforts at arousing and satisfying you. How would you feel if the only way he could orgasm was with an inflatable doll in bed with you? That would be pretty off-putting to me!
My suggestion to you is to learn by yourself using manual stimulation, with only a little assist from the vibrator. You're going to have to relearn your body's responses, and understand that a vibrator does indeed bring on orgasm, but so too do other types of stimulation. You need to allow yourself the option of relaxing enough to feel the orgasm without the buzzing feeling. You know you can orgasm, now it's time to try to wean yourself away from using it all the time. I'm sure you can, you just have to give it time.
It does often take longer for a woman to climax, and you and your partner should be willing to give it the time needed for you to build to orgasm. This is going to take some private masturbation exercises on your part, and also patience and communication with him.
Trust me, an orgasm via vibrator is really good, but a nice orgasm reached with him through his and your efforts alone is even nicer! The feelings of closeness and intimacy are much much better, really they are! I needed the vibrator early on in our relationship, now it's gathering sock lint in the undies drawer!
Give it time, effort, patience, and for heaven's sake, humor! You're more than halfway there, you know you can orgasm.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (14 April 2008):
Every man worth his salt would do anything to please their g/f's.
If they cannot do the job, then fire them and get someone who can.
He cannot because he feels the vibrator is a competitor to his manhood.
He is the dinosaur type.
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