A
female
age
30-35,
*urtandUnsure
writes:My screen name says it all, I am hurt and unsure, and here's why. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 3 years, Im in love with his family, as he is mine and things between us has always been wonderful. We never fought, and he respected me for not wanting to have sex until I was ready. He was my first everything, and showed me life in a different light, how to be care free. Likewise, I did the same for him, showing him how he could better his life and be what he always wanted to be. We were very supportive of one another in all our aspirations. I've never felt like this about anyone in my life, we were like magnets to one another, practically glued to the hip. However, a change in our relationship occured when I began college in the fall. We both understood that me going to school was a priority, and that it would mean less time for one another to stay the night/hang out or go to social events with friends. I knew this was going to be especially hard on him since he wasn't ready to start college because of funds, so he began searching for a job. One of my family members got him one with a construction company, but after a few weeks on the job and an injury later, he quit. I don't blame him, the pay was not worth the mental abuse. Around this time I was offered a job coaching, after talking to my boyfriend about what kind of time constraint I would have if I did coach, he asked me to be happy. I took the job, and he began a new search. About mid spring we started having a few fights here and there about not being able to spend enough time with one another, I was busy with school and coaching M-F from 7a-7p. Adding to the stress, I had a pregnancy scare even though I was on the pill, thankfully my gyn confirmed I wasn't. After that I didn't want to have sex at all, I was really scared. Not that I did not want to be the mother of his children, but the fact that I want to do things with my life before starting a family. A car accident a few months later left me unable to have sex until September of this year. Which meant, more stress.The fights we were having were little nothing fights, I wanted more alone time with him, he wanted me to hang out more with friends. Or I was asking him to slow down on the smoking and drinking, and he was asking me to take a break from the schoolwork. Petty stuff. Finally one night he broke down crying asking if I was even attracted to him anymore, I was so hurt by this. Of course I was! I just wasn't comfortable having sex without a condom, and he always seemed to forget after I would ask him to buy some. I hadn't realized what could have been going through his head since our sex life slowed down, I still feel awful about it. Things got better, then worse, every day felt like we were on the verge of breaking up. The open communication we had, was out the window. We felt more like friends more than anything. One last fight brought us to our senses, we knew we couldn't keep fighting, so we made amends, and from October through the beginning of November, we were finally back to normal. Our relationship was better than it had been in months, we were together more often with friends and family, we were fooling around more often, I was ecstatic. However, this was short lived. I went out of town with a friend to see a concert. I had just told her how amazing we were doing, and excited that we may be getting engaged in the next year- he and I had talked about it several months prior to this and had both families consents- When I came home, he and I were at a friends house when he told me that we needed to talk. He proceeded to tell me he cheated on me twice. I didn't believe him, how could he have when we've been doing so great? He told me he was completely drunk both nights that he slept with her, to the point where he doesn't remember what happened. He said the girl followed him home. Cheating is unacceptable, he and I both talked about cheating before too, saying that we would break up with our current before moving on. Im the first girl he's ever cheated on. I am more than hurt by this, I feel broken. The man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life threw everything we had away. Its been 3 weeks since he told me, and I have not spoken to him since. Ive only returned his stuff, and had to break the news to his mom. While I commend him for telling me to my face, I don't know how he could have let this happen twice. I do not believe "once a cheater, always a cheater". I believe good people make poor decisions in their life. I still love him, and someday Ill be able to forgive him, but I wonder if we have a shot at rebuilding our relationship. The advice given to me by friends sucks, and my family has lost complete respect for him. If we do get back together, I don't know how to avoid driving a wedge between my family and I. I never thought that my being independent and allowing him to hang out with friends without me would break the foundation of which we built our relationship on. I never thougt he could cheat on me. Right now Im desperate for unbiased advice. I want to try to make things work, but Im still to hurt to see him. Maybe someday I could move on, but I doubt it. So how do I approach him, how do we make it work, is it worth it to try and fix the peoblems we had, and if we do, how can I possibly face my family and bring him back into their lives? Has anyone else been through this situation before, gotten back together and things turned out fine? Im usually great at giving advice, but Im at a complete loss and I just don't know what to think anymore..thank you for you patience reading my story. -HurtandUnsure
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a break, cheated on me, condom, drunk, engaged, get back together, move on, sex life, the pill Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (12 December 2010):
HurtandUnsure is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you, it does help. I just need to build up the courage to talk to him, and be ready to accept his answers. Whatever they are. Thank you =]Ill let everyone know how this plays out for me. Maybe it'll help someone else who's in the same boat as myself.
A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (10 December 2010):
 Just tell him that you need to talk to him, face to face. Tell him what it is about and why, how you feel about everything that has happened. You need to understand each other so ask him when you are talking to him about why he did the things he did and make sure he understands how hurt you are. Make sure he understands why. What exactly did this relationship mean to the both of you? Talk to each other about that and then talk about whether or not you should continue seeing each other.
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (10 December 2010):
HurtandUnsure is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Cerberus_Raphael, I really appreciate it. Honestly, there has been no communication between the two of us since the first weekend of him telling me. I asked him to give me space and time,and that he has given me. In my heart I wish he were trying to make amends, but I was pretty serious when I told him to stay away until I was ready to talk again.
Knowledge of his whereabouts and his decisions are only coming from our mutual friends. I would really like to sit down and talk with him after I take my finals, but I dont know where to begin a conversation with him. A part of me wants to give him a chance to explain everything to me, and then Ill decide if its worth it to rebuild a friendship that would evolve into a relationship again. But the other part of me believes less can be more in this situation.
Since I have not spoken a word to him, Im not even sure where he stands in our current relationship, I just dont want to be made out of a fool again for the second time. How should I go about talking to him again?
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael +, writes (4 December 2010):
Instead of asking how YOU can fix things, ask how HE can fix things. How is he fixing things? How much effort is he putting into getting you back and rebuilding your trust and faith in him? Has he given up drinking completely?
Your family should support you in whatever choice you make even though it is in their nature and possibly best interests to stay wary of him in case he hurts you like this again. Explain to them that you feel what you had is worth giving him another chance. You are right. Everyone makes mistakes but he made the same mistake twice and that shows a lack of respect and a lack of self-control BUT there is a glimmer of hope. In telling you, he showed he still intended to be honest with you, he showed a desire to have that open communication with you once again.
Perhaps you need more time to move on from this so you can make your choice with a clear head.
I hope that helps.
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