A
female
age
36-40,
*weetheart1nonly
writes:Why am I still finding it hard to forgive myself and still blaming myself for the failed relationship since 2months with my boyfriend?A summary of what led it, was he had cheated before, but we settled it and lack of time and the way he treated me, then one day, when he failed 4 appointments, I exploded and started texting insulting words to him, a whole lot of them then the next day till even now, I begged, begged and apologised and told him it was just out of frustration.We've been broken up for 2months now, no contact, I don't know if he would ever come back but sometimes, I still blame and ask myself why did u let yourself say those words, then the next I tell myself after all he had done to me and everything, it was still very easy to forgive him.Why?
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female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (5 June 2009):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the question@rcnThis last advice you gave is making me think twice and I'm actually looking at the whole thing that led to this. You made sense here and for the fact I've apologised and begged him so so much for calling him names, looking at the other side, I'm now considering it goes both ways.My problem again is he would think he has won, he was the victim and also he's right with what he's doing because I begged him so much.
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (5 June 2009):
 Why is he missing these appointments? It shows he really didn't respect you. Wanting you when it's convenient for him, but not for you. Really, what kind of relationship is that. When I'm with someone and say I will be somewhere, I make sure I am. It may be inconvenient, but my caring and respecting them will cause me to make the room to do what I say I'm going to do. Personally, with this additional information, you're better off to find someone who will not stand you up, who can't wait until the next time to be with you. This is not what you were getting from him, but it is what you deserve. Never settle for less. Relationships are not a matter of convenience, and if it's being treated that way, it's not one you should be part of.
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A
female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (4 June 2009):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree. I'm not proud I did and I'm not saying because I forgave him, he should to but surrounding the circumstances, I would have thought he might not take it too far though it has only been 2 months.
He cheated before but I forgave him because I loved him, that was not why I insulted him. We were getting along much better, then along the line, you would notice changes. Yeah he failed me before, like one time , he distanced himself and I found out he was actually chilling during that period and the face book incident, so one day he came back to me crying and begging and i forgave him and even helped him out when he was in need, gave him infact my lasy cash I would have used for myself and now suffering the debt. He promised to pay back but I really did not bother him because I loved him.
Well few days and weeks before the incident, We were meant to see, he disappointed me the first, second, I agreed, third time, he didnt even call, I had to, he begged he was busy, i told him, he should have just told me so instead of keeping me waiting. Fourth time, same thing, then the next day I just went to his house.
And he was not around and that was when I blew up especially thinking of the debt and all, and this guy didnt even show any lack of concern, I blew up and stared texting him. Of cause I didnt mean them but at that time, since he could not calm me down.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 June 2009):
First break this down to what he did in one category and what you did in the other. They are separate. You chose to forgive me, but that choice doesn't obligate him to forgive you, which is a choice as well.
So, he cheated on you, but not multiple times. Does it matter how many times? How do you view cheating? I view it as taking a shared experience between two people, which is a way to emotionally and intimately bond, and selfishly giving it to others. So, it's not right to even do one time. You claim to love someone, why do something that might potentially hurt that person? Cheating is something that causes a huge amount of pain, and when someone does, you need to question their actual respect for you.
Insulting is also wrong. Most men take insults to the core of their being. When you insult him for failing, in his view, you're saying you don't view him as being a man. Working on proper communication is important. I do so with my kids. They make mistakes. I've seen parents tell their kids how much they've messed up. I never do, cause I want their sense of self to be whole. If they make a mistake, it's the act I focus on, and reassuring them we're still I family, and their act doesn't take away from my love for them, but it is a behavior we have to correct.
mutchreyes is right about how to deal with this situation. Letting emotions get the best of you can be a make it or break it situation. If you love someone and want to be with them, build them up, don't say things that can tear them down. People I've talked to in this situation believe, if they said it, they must have meant it. Always say what you mean. Don't leave yourself open to having to explain saying something you don't. And don't expect because you forgive that they must do the same.
Stop being so hard on yourself. Making mistakes is how we learn. If no one ever made a mistake, image how weak everyone would be. Mistakes also don't make you any less of a person. It's what you learn from them that makes you a better person.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Girl, i know exactly how you feel coz I am in the same situation as you..same thing happened to me a month ago. Well, its partly our fault as we let our emotions control us that we decided to text some insulting words. Learn from this. Think before you do anything and make sure you will not regret it.
Yeah, its still easy to forgive as you do love the person and realize his importance in your life.
But my advise, don't plead for him to get back..it will only push him more to stay away. What I did in my case, I minimized my contact. I still do some little things for him and inform him through email which he did not respond to. I told him i respect the break up but it doesn't mean he's no longer my friend.
As he had a stuff he needs to get from me, I told him i can ask my sister or friend to give it to him so we wont have to see each other. He replied so fast saying i can have this stuff if i want to but he needs to see me first to give something. See, when he knew I was not interested to see him..he made another excuse to see me one more time. Up to this point he is getting ready for that day he will give it to me..don't know when though but I will not wait.
Last night, i just texted him out of the blue about a problem he knows I have with my sister. I wasn't expecting him to reply but he did and he gave me advise on what to do. Then he asked me what I am planning to do with my problem and that I should let him know about it. I think we are going to be friends again.
I am contented with this for now. The important thing is, he seemed like he is not angry with me anymore. It's one step. Whether there is hope in getting him back..LOL i should ask our aunts what they think of it. Goodluck to you!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Well, insults are not good, but, I don't know what the situation was. If you think he was purposely belittling or ignoring you, you had a right to feel angry. I don't know the circumstances, so I can't really say what a guy might feel. Did he give you any good reasons why he missed the dates? Did they sound like BS? If they did, chances are they were. Did he call first and explain, or just not show up?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): Maybe you should stop blaming yourself and just write it off as a failed relationship. He was the unfaithful one,...you forgave him...and he distanced himself from you again. Let it go, hon. Move on and don't waste time on self blame. You are very young and the world is...wide.
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A
female
reader, josephy  +, writes (4 June 2009):
 Don't feel guilty no one is perfect.He didn't blame himself for cheating on you and you blame yourself for some words. women are emotional creatures we said to someone we will never forget you and in that moment in our hearts say I can't hate you. move on don't look behind
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A
female
reader, sweetheart1nonly +, writes (4 June 2009):
sweetheart1nonly is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe cheated on me before not like he is a multiple cheater. We broke up 2months ago after I insulted him. I pleaded for long but sometimes still feel guilty. Just to clarify the question. I dont know why they put the question this way.
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