A
female
age
51-59,
*ost2love
writes:My Husband told me he has animosity towards me. He hasnt touched me in months. Weve been together for 8yrs with no kids, except from past marriages. i havent been able to find work in 6months and he accusses me of not trying that i want to live off his income. As long as Ive known him, ive always had a job and paid half. I dont know what to do anymore? i feel like no matter what i do its not good enough. when he comes home from work he hangs out in the garage and when i go into the garage to spend time with him he leaves to go sit on the computer in our room. i feel like im chasing him around the house in order to get a little of his attention. I feel like he hates me. i know i have also put on weight in the past year, about 30lbs.So i worry that might be it too and im just afraid to ask... im lost! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): For one, animosity is something grown in time, and does not rise over night. You need to stop playing cat and mouse and actually sit together for a decent talk to understand where each of you did wrong and how you can amend it. If he's witholding his company and sex from you, you need to approach him in a way that makes him feel aware of your need, of your vulnerability, in a way that won't trigger in him a defensive attitude. As then you won't be able to help each other. Tell him how his behaviour makes you feel. Agree with sincere and not-offensive answers from the start. Ask what you can do to make a change.There seems to be a stronger rift factor here than 'temporarily unemployed' and 'gained a little weight'. The weight gain doesn't seem significant to me and it's more likely making more of a difference to you than him, hence it's a good idea to start a proper weight loss plan just for you to feel better in your own skin.As for the job, does he know how you knocked on several doors before you were given a 'no' for an answer? If you have honestly tried with little success, maybe get him involved in the process, make yourself available to suggestions. One might be, if you are in such a difficult situation financially speaking (you don't say this for sure), to make an effort to relocate maybe in a field that is different than what your qualifications recommend you for. People have had to resort to all kinds of strategies (lowering their standards, etc) to win the match with an economy that has taken a dip. See which one can do the trick for you. The cat and mouse play makes it clear is that you are very bad at communicating your points so the other can listen and take notes or explain himself. It could be little details that drive him up the wall that you have the right to know about. But then it could be major problems. You have to see if you can get to stand on middle ground. Don't let forces of inertia make your marriage continue spinning around in this bad movement. The real problem could be anything really and your post contains little detail. It remains for you two to decide if you wish to save your marriage, but it surely won't happen over night, just how it hasn't deteriorated over night.
A
female
reader, Emilysanswers  +, writes (4 June 2009):
Well if he's supporting you and you have put on a LOT of weigh then yes, he may not feel very happy to be married to you at this point.
Following him round making him feel guilty is not going to help. Give him some space and tell him you are around if he wants to talk. Then go and do some jobs around the house. I'm not telling you that you should be in the kitchen but if he SEES you doing work around the house then he will at least get the impression that you are trying hard to do your bit.
You say you are trying hard for a job, and I know the economy is in a mess, but what kind of jobs are you looking for?
If you are only looking for good ones that pay the level you are used to then this may be the problem. Get a job behind a checkout, or waitressing. Get ANYTHING to show you are making effort. You can always leave that job when something decent comes along.
As for the weight, again it's all about showing him you are making an effort for him. Make his dinner but stick to a salad for yourself. Ask him to come for a walk in the evenings so you can burn off some calories. (Don't run as your knees will get damaged by all the extra weight.)
Show him you are making an effort and then he will feel less animosity towards you.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Ricky91  +, writes (4 June 2009):
 Hey this is really very terrible for you to handle these things. I think you should take a break and go out for a vacation. This may help u and make ur mental condition better... And after that u shall sort out things with ur husband... Hope everything goes well. Gud luck. Take care.
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A
male
reader, weparley +, writes (4 June 2009):
Well maybe you should ask yourself:
#1 Has he found his attention else where?
#2 Are you still a attraction to him?
#3 why haven't you tried loosing the weight you gained?
#4 IS HE CHEATING....???
Be streight forward w/ him. It's the best way for your situation AT THIS POINT.
Keep us posted. God Bless.
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