A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My ex found out that a child I had a year ago may be his. He had a paternity test and my son is his. However, he knew I was pregnant with his kid but I told him I had a miscarriage early on. He saw me a month before I was due and asked about my belly, I said it was somebody else's. I did this because I wanted to protect my child from him (he threatened to take the kid away just to make me suffer). Now that the paternity test showed positive he wants visitation. I'm okay with that, but child support wants me to get back child support up to the birth of my son. He is having a hissy fit and says that since I lied I shouldn't get financial help. He was the one who wanted to claim this child as his own, he should be responsible for it as well. does he have a case against me just because I lied to him about who's child it was? no bashing please, I know I did something very wrong, but at the time I thought it was in the best interest of the child. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Artemesian  +, writes (13 August 2011):
 Well, it's clear none of us can understand the situation fully as it's only a brief description. But to me what is certain is you need to see a lawyer competent in this arena but also one who is a woman as I don't think men will have the same perspective on this at all.
At the end of the day he will have to pay child support and so long as he isn't dangerous in any way it is a much nicer thing to let him spend some time with his child, and also good for your child too in the long run to know and love their father, no matter what your relationship is with him.
However, I personally sympathise with you as it is YOUR child more than it is his. I know many will disagree but threatening to take away a child from a woman kinda gives him no right unless you decide he deserves it. It's a woman who carries the baby, who goes through the agony of childbirth and who incurs huge expenses too. All he did was have some fun and then threaten to take your child away from you? Even if you lied to him, you had reason to be worried and I imagine many women who are ignorant of the law would do just the same. You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to keep your child and shame on the people here who have put you down. The father (assuming he has done nothing else wrong than saying a stupid threat) does have right to see the child, as it is his too. Even if he did nothing to help and threatened to take it away. He cannot do that unless you become a horrible abuse mother or something along those lines. So you have nothing to fear. Be the bigger person and let your child grow up knowing who their father is. In the end they will love you more for it.
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Don't worry too much about the legal side, US courts will almost certainly give you what you want. Speak to a half-decent lawyer; they'll get the courts to enforce child support, but courts rarely enforce visitation (they skim a few bucks off ever child support payment, but it costs them money to enforce visitation). And, like So_Very_Confused said, the courts will try to force him to pay even if you don't want it.
More important here is the ethical issue. Without knowing what the circumstances around his threat to take the child away are, I would hesitate to judge whether it's right to want him in the child's life, but unless he is actively abusive, it would be immoral to keep the father and the child separated, just as it was unethical to lie to him in the first place. It would also be unethical to expect back child support for a time in which he did not believe he even had a child due to your actions - in fact, child support arrears can get him sent to prison, even if there was no realistic way for him to pay, or even to know he was required to pay. Morally speaking, pursuing a case against him would only be another wrong decision stacked on the old ones. Do the right thing, it's not too late.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Child support payments are not an "entry fee" to have time with a child.
The two issues are seperate.
He IS obligated to pay child support, but it is also his right to see his child.
Seek a lawyer for more guidance on the laws of your state and county.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Sadly he will have to pay back child support but he shouldnt have to. Lying about it not being his child waiting a year then sticking him with back child support is something i would consider fraudulant. He wants to be in the childs life and now you want him to pay so he can get visitation? Bitchy move. I really believe people like you should do jail time. Its so wrong. If you didnt want him to be the father then you shouldnt have had sex with him.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Where I live visitation and child support payments are NOT tied together so that a parent who is in arrears of CS still has the right to see their child.
I suggest contacting a lawyer as well. IF you are concerned about the safety of the child during visitation you can request supervised visitation.
You do not need to collect child support if you do not want it. I did not pay child support to my ex husband when he had custody of our children because he made more than I did and he did not want it... He and I had to fight the courts who INSISTED that I should be paying a minimal amount. We had a united front on this so they backed down.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Whether or not you lied he's obligated to pay child support, though probably not during the term that he had no idea it was his child. You will want to talk to a lawyer.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (10 August 2011):
 Something's missing from this story. You told him you miscarried his baby. Then you tell him when he sees you at 8 months pregnant that it was "someone else's". Then, a year later, he sees you with a child and is convinced that it's his. You get a paternity test and it's indeed his.
If you're scared enough to lie to him, why are you still seeing him? Did he ask for the paternity test, or did you offer it, or did he have you served with a court order?
This is a weird story to be sure. The easy answer is -- only a lawyer can answer these questions for you. My uneducated legal opinion is that DNA equals he's the dad, and the courts will be inclined to grant him some rights and grant you some support.
But what's more troubling to me is not even that you lied to him. You're still seeing him and being in contact with him! Obviously when you broke up, you had had enough of him in order to lie to him about his kid. That in itself is not cool at all, but if he was abusive or a heavy drug user, I could have sympathy.
However, you're still seeing him! You're still in contact! Was this some sort of tool in order to hurt him by lying to him? Were you getting back at him? If so, you really have some maturing to do, and I'm guessing that you've had some growing up in the course of raising your child.
Never ever back down to threats of "I'm taking away the baby". That will never happen as long as you are a good and competant mom who has a support system of loved ones and friends to nurture that baby. You can't just cut someone out of your baby's life just because you're pissed at him, unless his presence would put the baby in danger.
I'd talk to a lawyer. This is going to be toxic, and the fact that you're still in contact with him might be called into question.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): Personally, I side with the father. First of all, you took a year of that child's life away from him. Secondly, you did not give him the opportunity to pay child support on a regular basis. Regardless of what a court might say, I do not think it's fair to dump such a huge debt on someone like that. I am a stepmother, and right now, the mother of the children has kept the kids away from us for over seven months. I saw them once for five minutes since Christmas, and I thought just seeing the disappointment on their faces when they found out they were not going to go to their father's that weekend was enough to break any parent's heart, but apparently, not enough to break hers. You need to think about your child. That child needs to grow up knowing that his father loves them.If you want to make this situation easier on yourself, admit that you were wrong and forgive the back support. He should be making child support payments from now on, but regardless of whether he is paying that support, HE HAS EVERY RIGHT TO SEE HIS SON. As far as I know, in every state, child support and visitation are COMPLETELY SEPARATE!!!!! Be the bigger parent.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2011): He can't demand visitation rights without paying child support, I think you would have a stronger case here. And anyway, ask him if he wants to see his kid why doesn't he want to pay for it?
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (10 August 2011):
 I think you'd better check with a lawyer, or legal aid agency, but I should certainly think he IS obligated to pay child support - and the fact that you lied, ought not to have anything to do with it, but I'm not knowledgeable enough to really comment on that.
Good luck!
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