A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 24, my husband's 26.Yesterday we were discussing about having children, and he said he wants to wait until we're in our late 40s - early 50s to have children.I've told him that's a bad idea, but he insists it will be better if we have kids then.I've tried and tried discussing it with him, but he's insistent we should wait that long - how can I convince him he's wrong and that it's a bad idea??Vikki B Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2008): What makes you feel waiting is wrong? I understand the "Biological Clock Issue" but why is it that the male is always ..WRONG?? Females need to realize enjoying a relationship and or marraige does NOT have to include pregnancy right away. Then what does he have to look forward too? Hormone changes afterwards that all but eliminate sex for him? The lack of sex due to "The Kids Might here". Not every female on earth has to help with the population explosion. BRAIN WASHING...... Enjoy life, enjoy your relationship, and ENJOY SEX..... Oh, theres that society BAD DIRTY ACT..... Keep bugging him, you'll lose him to some sweet, understanding, Non-Brain washed SEXUALLY OPEN Lady....... I know by experiance. I left and found a Fun, Wild, Uninhibited Sex loving LADY whos last thought was for 2.5 KIDS, 1 house, 2 BMW's and the STRESS to go with it ALL....
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 September 2007): I don't have a new good answer that anyone hasn't already said here so far.But I just wanna say that IMHO you guys REALLY need to deal with this issue RIGHT NOW. Plenty of marriages break up over plenty of smaller issues than this one.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): I take it he doesn't know that there is a good chance your baby will have Downs Syndrome if you leave it to your late 40's. If your going to have a baby then, well, you may as well not have one at all!
When you're looking forward to retirement you'll still have a teenager living in your house.
Sorry, but your husband is being arrogant - that is so not fair on any child to have parents in their early 50's. I wouldn't want my parents to be 70 when I'm only twenty.
And - if your child did that then you would never know your grandchildren!
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 I am 52. My children are 21 and 25 (I was 26 and 30 giving birth). I think if I had a baby right now, I would not be having the GREAT time that I am having now. I am looking forward to grandkids, don't get me wrong, but I have money for MYSELF now, Finally! I can afford things now that my kids are out of Uni. I am still young And HEALTHY enough to travel to my heart's content.
What is going to happen to your children if you have them at 50 and die at 64? Won't it be odd to not have Parents - AND grandparents? It might be fine, you could both live until 90, but there is a fairly significant chance that you may not live to see them grow up, and you certainly may not see your grandchildren. If you love your children, you want them to grow up with a support system around them, not just be something that you wait to "DO" until your late 40's and early 50's.
There is an old adage about small children being hard on your body and big children (teens) being hard on your head. Do you really want to be dealing with that in your 60's? It's exhausting, REWARDING, but still exhausting. I would surely avoid having teenagers during my 60's and 70's if I had the choice.
Frankly, next week I am going out and buying a very big boat to put all of the Adults in my family on. When the next generation of babies come along and want to go sailing, they will be my Children's responsibility and My PURE Pleasure. I can enjoy them, spoil them and hand them back, as it will be my Grandparental right's. I will be done with the HARD WORK of childrearing and fully retired from both parenting and career, so I will be absolutely enjoying my later years, and I have FULLY earned it!!!
I am not sure that he has fully thought ANY of the realities of this through. I think he is reluctant and simply putting off becoming a Dad. That is normal too. BUT, you seriously need to sit him down and talk this out. You need to make a list of pro's and con's. He needs the whole picture. Of course, you have also got to point out the obvious, not every couple has an easy time of getting pregnant. And if you put off trying until you are 40, you may also lose your chance of conceiving naturally, or conceiving at all. He has to recognize that as a possibility too.
Good luck with talking this all out. I hope that you are able to make him see that his goals are a bit short sighted.
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A
female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (3 September 2007):
You have to respect his thoughts and opinions, just as much as he shuld be respectng yours. If you go into a fight/discussion with the attitdue that you 'going to make him/her agree with me because im right!' then you wont get anywhere.
You should tihnk about how can I compromise with my parter to get him/her as MUCH as they want, without sacrificing my own opinions/needs/beleifs etc...
So my advice to you, is to change your way of thinking, and try to come to some compromise. Perhaps wait till your 30s? That seems to be more in the middle and in my own personal beleif I think being in your 30s is a good age.
But just for argument sake, I would be agreeing with you, that haing kids in your 20s is much better then yours 40s. They say a woman is at most healthiest stage of her life to have a kid when she is 25. And when you're 40 not so much...
Also do you suspect that maybe he just doesnt want kids and is putting it off? If so you have to addresss that issue with him, calmly and non judgmental. Let him know that if he doesnt want kids that its ok, because you can work it out. He may fear that if he admits it that you will levae him. You have to reassure him....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2007): What about the obvious!! Without medical intervention you won't be able to have kids then. I think that is his thinking - wait till then and then you be able to have them. I think he just doesn't want kids. Its him and no kids, or time to find someone else.
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female
reader, penta +, writes (3 September 2007):
 Tell him he needs to find another woman (a younger one) if he really wants to wait until then. He's basically telling you he doesn't ever want them.
It will be extremely difficult, if not impossible, to conceive a child without help in your late 40s, and at the early 50s you're looking at peri-menopause.
I had my first child at 37, and they labeled me "AMA" (Advanced Maternal Age). After 35 they start doing amnio tests (needle into your womb) for things like "Downs" syndrom. It's a riskier pregnancy for both you and the baby after 35. After 45 it's much worse, and after 50 unlikely at all. (He'll be able to FATHER children into his 70s though.)
If you wait that long, it's likely you won't have children at all.
Ask him whether he's trying to keep from having children altogether? Because that's what he's doing. He needs to level with you, because if you want them and he doesn't you're both going to be very unhappy -- you can't compromise here. In this case you'll have to decide -- him or children?
If he's simply ridiculously uninformed about women's physiology, try showing him the facts. Maybe you and he can compromise on the timing, and go for 30 or 35, which isn't bad.
As an older mom, I can tell you there are benefits and problems. I have patience, rather than energy, and most of my friends' kids are in high school when I have to find a baby sitter. But I'm more advanced in my career and we got to play some before we settled down. It's a tradeoff. If I had it to do over, I'd have started earlier, but not too early (like 30).
Good luck hon, let us know how it goes.
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A
female
reader, Helen Help! :)  +, writes (3 September 2007):
 hi ya i guess if i were u i would try gettin facts off the internet about middle aged pregnancys as it is alot harder if not impossible to concieve later on in life so if u wait that long u may not be able to have children at all, also things like ur child will have old parents wen he or she is 20 his parents ull b 7, if your both 50 odd then u wont b able to run around and play with them so much jus get him to concider all the things tht could or could not happen and see what he ses good luck take care :)
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): late 40s to early 50s as your husband stated, it's just too old and yes it would be a very bad idea as you claimed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Very bad idea!!!! Waiting that long would either be impossible for you to get pregnant, or very, very risky to your health as well as potential birth defects for the baby (ie down syndrome). All you need to do is go online and find evidence on google to support this, print it off and give it to him. If need be take him to see your GP so that the GP can discuss the risks with him.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Well it would be EXTREMELY hard to try and concieve in late forties to early fifties I'd imagine.
I think you should explain why you'd like children soon and come to an agreement such as you want them early - he wants them later so you could settle on 30's? The only thing to do is talk about it or go see a your Doctor and ask for advice. Sorry I can't be much help.
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A
female
reader, pink_fairy22 +, writes (2 September 2007):
 Hey, thats a bad idea in a lot of way to wait that long really, epecially getting into your 50's. Some women begin menopause in their 50's. Also if you had children when your 50, by the time their 10 you will be 60 years old. Explain to him that you would prefer to have children at a younger age and explain exactly why you dnt want children that late in life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): i believe a good age is around 30 if you plan to have children or even earlier,but to have babies in your 40`s is risky,due to the strains and the age of your body,you can pick up numerous leaflets from loads of everyday places advising you on pregnancy,health etc give him these to read he may just shock himself and realise he is wrong good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2007): Mention to him that the later you have kids, the more dangerous it is for both mother and child. I'm sure he wouldn't purposely do something that would endanger you or your kids.
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