A
female
age
41-50,
*hiannon3
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. We have a child together. We are both divorced. We both have children from the marriages. We are in a serous relationship. He has talked about us getting a home together. He has said more than once that "we will spend the rest of our lives together. Still he has said more than once in passing he is not looking to get married again. What do I make of this? He says he loves me and wants me always but doesn't want to marry.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): A year is nothing, you had your baby together very quickly as well. If i was in his shoes i would be cautious as well, it is too soon.
It is not a deal breaker at this moment in time, he has shown you clear commitment, if you push for marriage and he does it because he feels he has to he will resent you. It will happen in good time if you are compatible and he recovers from his divorce. That is not about loving you any less that is he will feels it broke down and he doesn't want to run the risk of another break down.
Patience is a virtue remember that
A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 December 2018):
 As the other aunts/uncles have said, only you can decide if this is something that you can life with, or you can't. Men normally say what they mean. They don't hide behind words or pussy foot around. If they say something, take it that is what they mean and they aren't going to change your mind. So what's it going to be OP? Live with him without the marriage license or walk? He states that he loves you and wants to be with you. Is that enough? Or not? A marriage license doesn't guarantee forever or happiness. I think he's learned that and just doesn't want to do it again.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 December 2018):
 Honeypie has it perfectly.
The question for you is - is that a dealbreaker??
You can't assume that he will change his mind. You must take him at his word that he really doesn't want to marry again. Can you live with that?
Also, you live in the states. I would find out the common law marriage laws in your state, because living together for a length of time in some states is legally the same financially as being married. But those states are the minority.
The problem with not marrying is that if he dies, you don't recieve surviving spouse benefits from SSA, and he won't either if something happens to you. He's focused on the divorce aspect, and that's understandable, as that's one of the most traumatic things to ever happen to someone. But it's short-sighted for someone who DOES spend the rest of their life with someone.
Even George RR Martin finally married not because of love or romance, but to protect his wife who was his non-married partner for years. They were getting older for SSA, and there are married benefits with Medicare and so on.
So it's up to you to decide whether or not this breaks the deal. If it does, don't waste time.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): Okay, you know where he's coming from. If that's not what you're looking for, why are you here? Is everything decided based on what he wants?
So take him at his word. He loves you, but not enough to want to commit to marriage.
He'll get you financially in-debt, entangle and consolidate your incomes, get you cosigned on a mortgage; and minimize your legal-rights to claim any of his property, and gain any inheritance should he kick the bucket before you do. Leaving you in debt, and fighting his kids for everything he leaves behind.
Maybe the topic is too soon to be discussed; and in-time, he may have a change of heart. Maybe you're willing to bet your heart, and invest your love and money on such a risky venture. It appears he isn't willing to risk marriage with you.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (23 December 2018):
 To be honest, this is about your child. Your children from other relationships had that security, even if you got divorced - this child won't. I am curious why you'd have a baby together so soon, though - seems a bit irresponsible, to be honest.
Marriage or no marriage. Up to you. If you can be happy without marriage, then you stay - if you can't, then you go because you're not compatible.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 December 2018):
 How important is marriage to you? Given that you have both "been there, done that", and are both now divorced, you know that a piece of paper will not guarantee you will stay together. Love, mutual respect, mutual support and honesty, however, will go a long way towards this goal.
Does his reluctance/refusal to marry you make you feel second best or inferior to his ex wife in some way? If so, then you need to address those feelings with him and perhaps work on reaching some compromise. Would changing your surname to his make you feel better? That way you, he and your child would all have the same surname.
Men (in general) tend to lay less importance and significance on marriage than women, especially if they have already been married and it didn't work out. There are all sorts of things you can do to compromise in this situation. The name change as previously mentioned, even an eternity or engagement ring which you could wear on your wedding finger.
The thing which struck me about your post was that you said he has mentioned "in passing" that he is "not looking to get married again". IF this is important to you, you need to discuss it (perhaps not yet, but in the future) and see if he will change his mind. If he won't, then you need to decide whether being married is more important than being WITH him.
In your shoes I would try to concentrate on enjoying the relationship NOW. It is still very new, despite you having a child together. Things could change down the line, for both of you. I would advise not to overthink it but to enjoy what you have together and see how you feel about it once the relationship has matured a bit.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 December 2018):
 What do you make of it?
That he tried the whole being married and it didn't work out for him. He will not legally bind himself to another person again.
But he still believes in monogamy and want a life with you, just without the marriage part.
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