A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, okay so I really hope I don’t come across as been an absolute bitch here but I could really use some help!!So. My partner has put on a lot of weight. A good 4/5 stone! He was around 12 stone when we met. He’s 6ft3 so was really slim, I’ve always been around 12/13 stone bracket myself so I’m not slim myself! But I’ve always been this same weight since I’ve known him.Just recently though he’s become really picky, he doesn’t want to eat what I cook the family for tea, he’ll order a take out later on at night, he’ll binge on snacks and crisps and he drinks 3/4 times a week! Now I absolutely adore the bones of the man. He’s everything, he’s a good partner, he’s always been really supportive, he’s an amazing father, but I do not find him attractive.I know. I sound like a terrible person! But I can’t help how I feel. I don’t want to be intimate with him, at all, I’ve struggled for a long time being intimate with people anyway. I was raped by a man when I was 18, he knows, understands and is really supportive but I can’t handle being on top of me, I can’t handle his weight. I feel like im suffocating, my chest hurts and I feel ridiculously anxious! I know it’s not all about sex, and i know he doesn’t have to be on top..But how the heck do you raise the topic with somebody you love without it ending terribly We haven’t had sex at all for over 3 weeks. Mainly because i just don’t feel like I fancy him and I can’t get in ‘the mood’Please be honest and tell me am I normal to feel like this ? we’ve been together 8 years, I love him more than anything but I can’t stop my self from feeling like I do!Do I approach him? Do I explain how I feel or is it me that needs to change ?? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CrazedRedHead  +, writes (25 December 2018):
I have certainly been in your shoes. None of the hinting helped at all. A good man is hard to find, and given you have children, would you really want to have a different man around them? Sounds to me the growing older, is growing wider. Why not you go on a diet? Lets say, clear the house of snacks that are not fruit and veggies? Basically turn your house around on what is alright to eat when, for everyone. Lets be heart smart together. After all, you would not want to raise these kids alone. It will not be easy at first. So maybe limit beer and chips to the weekend, then down to once a week. Give points for weight lost. A friendly competition between you both could be fun!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 December 2018): Have to agree with codewarrior. It is ridiculous you expect him to love you for who you are but can't do the same for him. Sorry but it isnt all about getting the "hot" guy, and at your age you need to learn to find his other characteristics sexy. I am a slim woman but love thick men. I get tjat you don't but he may well prefer that YOU slim down to find you more attractive but he hasnt said anything because that is quite soul destroying. Also, afyer 8 uears there are all kinds of reasons many women and men struggle to feel attraction but if you are with a good person you make the best of it and try to keep the love alive. Doesnt involve tearing someone down about their weight.
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A
female
reader, jls022 +, writes (24 December 2018):
I think the difference is the OP’s weight hasn’t changed since the relationship started but her partner’s has. So it’s safe to assume he is attracted to her as she is. It’s not hypocritical to ask someone to keep themselves in similar shape to how you first met them as that is what attracted you to them in the first place.
OP there is nothing else you can do but talk to him about it. It’ll be awkward for sure but it’s not something you can dance around, and if you don’t the relationship will undoubtedly suffer.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2018): I remember the time when a boyfriend told me I was fat, I'm 5 ft 3 and 10.5 stone, I could stand to lose a couple of lbs. But this guy had a big old beer belly and was fatter than me, he didn't really appreciate me pointing out that his BMI was higher than mine.The point is it's not very fair to complain about somebody being overweight when you're overweight yourself.I understand that he's starting to crush you and it's uncomfortable but he's 6 ft 3 and generally as you get older you put on weight anyway. 12 stone on his frame is really quite slim and chances are he would never stay that way.When you get to 30 it will start to get harder to keep the weight off so can you imagine what you'd feel like if you started putting on a stone or two and he tells you he doesn't find you attractive.Weight gain can often be associated with illness, depression etc so there may be a reason this has happened. I hope I don't sound mean but my ex wasn't slim and hearing him moan about my weight really got to me
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): To be brutally frank I can never contemplate myself being with an overweight woman. You are quite normal in that point and my advice is be brutally frank with him and tell him that you don't want to sleep with him because he sufficates you when he is on top and you don't find him attractive anymore because of his weight gain. Use the shock treatment with him. You have every right because you are the one who is suffering. After 8 yrs you should be able to talk frankly.'
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (23 December 2018):
 I plugged his weight into a BMI calculator, and as you didn't put in your height, if you are 5'6" or shorter, you have the same OR HIGHER BMI he does!
He's not that overweight! He is knocking on the obese door but hasn't yet walked through it yet. He is securely in fuzzy, cuddly dad-bod department!
And you said he is a father and you've been together for 8 years? OH YES, dad-bod he's got! And it sounds like with his drinking and snacking, he's going to get even bigger.
You need to see someone about help with anxiety over your rape event. No matter what, that will traumatize you no matter what his weight is.
And, maybe some couples counseling as well. If he's drinking and eating like this when previously he was thin, he may be dealing with some emotional issues as well. That's tough! The drinking alone is excessive, and that's hurting his body in more ways than just weight!
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious +, writes (23 December 2018):
 In your shoes, instead of concentrating on the sexual attraction side, I would approach this from the health angle and say you are worried about his health. As he is an "amazing father", perhaps say you are worried your children may grow up without a father because his weight will affect his long term health. Many studies have concluded that being very overweight increases a person's chances of dying younger, especially as a result of heart conditions or cancer. Many people don't realize how many calories are in alcoholic drinks. And takeaways are notorious for having high calorific content.
Perhaps you could get him to do activities with the children if gym or structured exercise is not his "thing". We all know that running around with/after children can be very demanding but also very enjoyable.
Does he not eat the food you cook because he doesn't like it? Have you asked him what he would prefer to eat (except takeaways). Perhaps you could cook together, or join an evening cookery class to learn to cook together? Or you could plan family meals together so that he gets to eat what he enjoys.
On a separate note, did you ever get professional help after you were raped? It is never too late to talk to someone and get help if you feel you need it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2018): Ever wonder WHY he's gained the weight? There's nothing wrong with how you feel, but lots of people gain/lose noticeable weight in relationships over time.
Stress? Depression? Unhappiness? Grief? Eating Disorder?
Sit down with him and ASK. Be honest, but sensitive. It may be as simple as he just east crap now, but that's not usually the case.
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A
male
reader, N91 +, writes (23 December 2018):
 Of course it’s normal.
I doubt you find many overweight people attractive, just because it’s your partner doesn’t mean that you should be attracted to him at whatever weight he is. I think a lot of people would be lying if they said they wouldn’t care if their partner gained a lot of weight. When you first meet someone and you’re sexually attacted to them because they look a certain way it’s normal to lose that attraction if they change majorly so don’t think you’re being harsh or nasty for feeling the way that you do.
There’s no way you can really beat around the bush with this one, you need to be honest. Explain that your feelings in terms of being in love haven’t changed but you’ve lost sexual attraction due to his weight gain. He has two options from there, either get his ass in gear and lose the weight or decide that he’s happy with his weight and you go your separate ways. I think he would probably feel the same if you gained a large amount of weight so it works both ways, you should want to stay a healthy weight for your own wellbeing as well as to look good for your partner. If you wanted to take the edge off a bit you could suggest signing up to a gym together and starting to make healthy food instead of takeaways.
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