A
male
age
26-29,
*oushite
writes:When i was 13 i dated this girl, who we will call girl "A". After half a year she broke up with me. 3 years later i started dating one of her close cousin, which we will call girl "B". we ended up talking online and eventually getting together. Yes it is extremely weird, but we were very young so maybe that justifies it or not. we both went through a phase of feeling guilty, especially girl "B". She would always say that she betrayed her cousin and caused their relationship to be awkward. We 3 would be at many family gatherings together since i would always be invited. At first we 3 were very awkward but after 3-4 years we grew past it and accepted it. Of course we dont interact much but when we do it is not awkward at all. Being with girl "B" for 8 years now i love her deeply, but the problem is even after all these years i somehow grew love for my ex girl "A". I watched both girls grow from a young girls to mature and beautiful women and fell in love with my ex as well. I always feel guilty that i feel this way and i would never hurt my girlfriend on purpose this way. I just dont know why i have these feelings for my ex even after all these years of being in a happy relationship. I love my girlfriend very much, but not matter how i think about it i also still love my ex. We were just kids when we dated so i dont know why i still have feelings for her. My question is if it is possible to love two woman the same way at the same time? or is this just an excuse for being a pig or a selfish horrible person or something. I never act on any of the feelings obviously and i hate the fact that i feel this way. how can i change? im tried to distance myself from my ex, tried to not think of her and just focus on my current relationship, but every time i see her its always the same.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 December 2018): I think its bad that society and Disney movies portray this idea that you can only love one person and then everyone feels guilty if they happen to love more than one.
Its just so unecessary to feeil in pain because of this. You believe what you feel is wrong, or that this means something about your relationship or something or other. This is why people end up cheating too, because of this weird idea that its not possible to like more than one person at a time, so liking another must mean something, like you are destined to be with someone else or something.
Truth is, you dont go blind when you are in a relationship. You will still find ourself attracted to ther people. Only those who are infatuated recenetly and heavily will feel like there is only one person in the Whole universe who matters to them. To everyone else (especially after 8 years in a relationship), life is full of possible mates and relationships.
You will fall in love with others. You will find others attractive. And yes, it is fully possible to both be in love with, and to love, more people at the same time. It's not betrayal, it's not wrong, it just is what it is.
In your case I would say OF COURSE you're in love with your ex. You broke up, yet continued to spend a lot of time with her. People on a general basis tend to fall in love, or care deeply, about those they spend a lot of time with. Whether they want to or not. It's like loving your family members. You might have nothing in common, you might not even get on well, but you still care for them. It's got nothing to do with bloodlines, and everything to do with having spent a great deal of time with them.
But just the same, you can remove those feelings. You just have to stop seeing that person. If you avoid your ex, your feelings will fade. They will probably never go away (after 8 years, she's practically become your cousin too). So my guess is you will always care for her. And that's ok.
How you feel about girl A has nothing to do with how you feel about girl B. Its not a zero sum game. It's like your love for B will diminish if you love girl A too. The heart expands and grows to include love for more and more people as you grow older. You can put a lot of feelings in there, for many people, before its too full. When it comes to love, I dont think it will ever be too full. Its another thing when it comes to sadness, there is definitely a point where the heart is full and cant take any more. But love... love just grows and grows.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 December 2018):
 No, I don't think you your case you love the two equally or in the same way.
Your infatuation for A is fantasy. What you have with B is probably more what you would call love.
You were with A for for 6 months at the age of 13.Pretty much "Puppy love".
You then moved on to B and have been with her for 8 years and you compare the two? And how you feel?
How AWKWARD would things get in THEIR family if you let this crush on A slip out? How do you think B would feel? And really... don't you think A has sort of moved on after all this time?
What should you do? Well, I think you need to take a hard long look at your self and why A is your "fantasy". Is it because you are over-romanticizing that 6 months puppy love relationship you had at 13 or is it perhaps because you have lost a bit of the excitement with B after 8 years? Or is it "I want what I can't have"?
You need to let A go. 100%. Or any real future with B is not going to work out, because at some point B will figure this out and have enough of you fantasizing about her cousin. It's just not fair to A Or B.
I don't think you are a pig, but yes, I do find it a bit self-indulgent of you to keep that fantasy alive and going in your head about A, when you are WITH B.
Time to grow up.
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A
male
reader, N91  +, writes (24 December 2018):
 How can you love someone that you barely interact with? That makes no sense at all. You have 1.5 years of memories as a child, you don’t love someone romantically at that age, you’re not mentally developed in that area at such a young age.
You are attracted to your ex, you do not love her. You know nothing about her.
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