A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:During a conversation with my boyfriend of 2 years, we were discussing areas of our city where we would like to live together. (We currently reside our parents) I told him that I wanted to live in a more central area where condos were being built and was more accessible to stores, entertainment and transit. He expressed that he didn't like that because he felt that it was overpopulated and crowded. So when I asked him where he want to reside, he said that he wanted to move into an apartment complex that is directly across the street from his babymother. His reasoning was that it was close to her place for visitation purposes so his son doesn't have to travel far to spend time with him. After he said this, I expressed that I wasn't a fan of that idea and then he told me that I needed to cut her some slack and give her a chance because she hasn't done anything to me. He then asked me why did I have such animosity towards her, to which I responded that I didn't want anything to do with her nor get to know her because everything that he has told me about her makes me view her as a person with unfavourable person. He then said that she was a changed person from when they used to date so if I wanted to a part of his son's life I would have to put aside my feelings/judgements and be courteous towards her and her new boyfriend. I then said that I didn't want to be friends or get to know them because their relationship doesn't involve me to which he responded that there would be future opportunities where I would have to be in the same room with them, such as Christmas or his son's birthday. I told him that doing so would make me uncomfortable which made him upset and he said that he wasn't a fan of the way I was acting towards his babymother and that I needed to readjust my attitude towards the situation at hand. The situation at hand, is that he's trying to make light of it and make everyone get along when it's impossible. In my opinion, his babymother uses him. He pays for her housing and they have a joint account so she has access to his money so she can buy whatever she wants. In all the other cases that I'm aware of, housing would not be paid for by the ex. There's absolutely no reason for her not to be working. Her son is in his "tween" years, so there's no need for her to be a stay at home mother, she's just lazy. It infuriates me that he continues to enable her lifestyle even when she has her beau who she makes her son call "stepdad" living in the same apartment. Due to him solely funding her, he is forced to work up to 40 hours of overtime on top of working full-time just to have enough money for himself. I barely spend anytime with him. I'm currently in college obtaining a degree related to social and community services, and after this argument, my boyfriend asked how do I view the youth that I would be working with and where did I think the ones who didn't have help ended up. (He was talking about his babymother) I told him that I viewed them as young adults that needed guidance and those who didn't accept help and didn't apply themselves to attain goals ending up depending on others. My logic is based on first hand experiences. The way I see it is help is always available, it's just up to the individual to utilize it. I pointed out to him that the theory that I'm being taught revolves around psychology, child development and factors that shape them into who they are. I'm not claiming to know her personally, I just know of her from what he has told me. What I've learned just helps me have a better understanding.He went on to say that I was being insensitive and that my though process was unfortunate. So am I overreacting on this? What should I do? (And sorry for the long question in advance)
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I don't think you should be with him, he is always going to put his child first, which off course is the correct thing to do, he is taking responsibility, I applaud that. Is there a big age gap between you? As I really don't think you want to be with someone who has a child and other responsibilities in life, which is okay, but you need to tell him that so that he can find someone who will accept his life and will make an effort to be part of his sons life.
A
female
reader, allthatjazz  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 Oh, boy. The house seems to be divided on this issue. Before I settled down, I decided I cannot see a guy who doesn't share the same lifestyle and doesn't belong to the same religious denomination. I didn't want the drama and the complications that may result if I were to choose otherwise. Some would rather find that off-putting, but it's my life and I'm going to be the one who would live with the choices I'd make, not them.What I'm saying is, there's no right or wrong answer to this because the question really is not who has the better point-of-view between you and your man. There are things you simply cannot live with or put up with and that's perfectly fine. You have to be honest with yourself. I know it's not going to be easy to do that given that you already had a 2-year emotional investment, but it's something you have to decide on before it gets more serious.You have a great guy right there, but if I were in that situation, I know I will always come second best and I don't think that's fair.I wish you well.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (11 April 2016):
 I'm with Honeypie...this doesn't seem like the right guy for you.
Your boyfriend is either totally spineless or still harbors feelings for this woman. Why else would he continue to pay for his ex who wasn't even his wife?
There's nothing in this relationship for you I'm afraid. This woman has the status of an ex-wife who takes alimony from her husband and the funny thing is, because its all voluntary and decided between them, there's nothing legal which anyone can do about it. What do you get? Nothing. Even if you end up marrying this guy, you would still be number three in the list of priorities. Is that how you see yourself?
Frankly, there's too much drama. Let them all live like one big happy family. Who cares? Its time for you to leave
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A
female
reader, Windbreeze_1962 +, writes (11 April 2016):
 Hi, how are you doing? The part about his ex and her new boyfriend living off of his money has me a bit taken back. Is the rent the amount of child support payments? That would explain the rent payments. I do not understand the need of the joint account unless he’s sending the child support payment to this account. If he’s sending a set amount 17% without a court order then you have yourself a good man.
As far as living that close to his ex for whatever reasons should be agreed upon by the both of you. And since he is the one that left all those negative filters about his ex he should be a little more understanding that you feel some kind of way before you even met the woman. However if I were you I would meet and greet the baby mother and keep my conversation as light as possible for the respect and wellbeing of the child. Because you will have to see her more or maybe not but she will not be a factor in your relationship with your man
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Some men pay exes' bills because they are not over them. Even though physically they can't be together, giving money is a way to get an emotional hold over them. His ex is lapping up the benefits of both men. Sexual ones from his boyfriend and physical ones from your ex. Maybe she didn't even have to manipulate him. She took advantage of the fact that he needs to be her hero. He can feel good that he's the responsible one, but not her current boyfriend.
I don't see how you are disrespecting his ex. There is a difference between not wanting anything to do with her, and having a bad attitude towards her. So you are supposed to suck it up so that you won't be called selfish? Um, no thanks.
He is a good dad and he takes care of people even though they broke up. You can't ever use logic and reason because his emotional need to maintain contact with her defies logic. The whole situation just doesn't serve your needs at all.
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A
female
reader, Flower89  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 I'm reading this thinking what a great man you bhave have he sounds like an amazing father. He is stepping up and providing for his kid and making sure he has a roof over his head.
You on the other hand sound too immature to be eating a man with a kid. You can't see why he wants to be close to his son so he doesn't miss a moment with him? You can't see why he wants to make sure he wants for nothing?
You can't look at that and think he would be an amazing father if you had kids.
The correct term is Mother!
Baby Mama? Really?
I suggest you pick up your texts books or go and get some real life experience of Childcare and social services as you may be studying but you clearly have no understanding of how tough it can be as a single parent, yet your going into a field that you may have to support someone in her situation?
I think you have a lot of growing up to do, it's not his problem it's yours.
You choose to date a man with a family, this is the reality. Either face up to it or go and find a man without kids.
I have been working in Childcare & Educationa for 6 years and I'd be appauld if this was the views or attitude of any of the students who have placements with us.
Don't prevent a man from being a good Father your second to his son and that's the way it should always be!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@janniepeg No he hasn't. He feels that what they have worked out is more civil. Yet as of lately she has been complaining that he's not giving her enough money (whatever account they have shared). She later threatened not let him see his son the weekend after that incident occurred.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (10 April 2016):
 OP, you totally missed the point. I wasn't saying anyone cheated. I was saying this is how cheated partners act, like you do. They blame the other woman, instead of their partner who is the one at fault. You blame the ex girlfriend, the baby mommy, but she is not the one at fault here.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2016): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@chigirl we've both been faithful to each other in this relationship. No need for name calling. Thanks for voicing your opinion though.
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A
female
reader, miss frank  +, writes (10 April 2016):
I think in some respects you are being unreasonable, but in other areas not so.Living in the same area so his child doesn't have to travel or allows him to see him more is fair enough. In my opinion if you are going to be a permanent feature in his life, then you are sure gonna have to have room in your heart for his child... That's just being a grown up. If you can't do that, accept them as package, then you should be casually dating him, nothing seriously and definitely not moving in with him. As far as the ex goes, again I think he's right to expect his partner to occasionally be at a birthday party or what have you where your boyfriend and her will be in the same room. That ru me I'd just part of the deal. If you can't do that, again you guys aren't a good match.Now to the bank account business... This sounds a nonsense arrangement and I have no idea why he is doing this. As his partner you have a right to be perplexed by this for sure. If he can't change this, agree an amount per month to the mother of his child and therefore stop working the extra 40 hours that are having such an effect on your relationship then again are you a good match long term?
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (10 April 2016):
Oh God, you weren't really smart about what you told him. He has a son, you knew that before you entered a relationship with him. Saying (and meaning) the things you said sends a heavy, massive message that you do not value him, his son, and you do not see a future together with him.
If you want to be with this guy long term, then he's right. You need to treat the baby mother with respect, you need to be able to be around her, be polite, because that's what it means to have a kid. You need to be civil and adult and you can't have it all your way all the time, because there's a kid involved. Rather than MOCKING his good parenting, you should applaud it.
Kudos to him for wanting to move near his son! As for you... I think you ought to break up with him, because you're not mature enough, or willing to, have an adult relationship that involves kids from previous relationships. You would be much better of with someone without a child.
BTW, it's just soooo easy to blame the baby mommy for "using him" when in fact it's your boyfriends responsibility to take care of himself. When he fails to do so, or gets used by others, you see it as a weakness in him. But rather than see his failures and be dissatisfied with him, and rather than admitting that you and him aren't a good match, you blame the baby mommy! Really? You have a gullible boyfriend who lets others use him, according to you, and you choose to blame the supposed users, and NOT your spineless boyfriend?
Come on, which is it? If your boyfriend really is being used, then just admit that you find him pathetic and spineless and not the type of man you want in your life. Getting all hot and bothered because of the baby mommy is just a detour.
And, lets return to the fact that you do not know this woman, yet have the nerve to judge her. Again, it is your BOYFRIEND who has been saying mean things about her, it is your boyfriend who appears to lack boundaries, it is your boyfriend who helps her out financially, it's him him him!!! He is responsible for this situation! So if you want to pass blame, place it where it rightly belongs.
Right now you just sound like a jealous girlfriend who's boyfriend has cheated on her. Yeah, blame the other women... never mind the fact that the boyfriend is the one at fault.
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A
female
reader, aunt anna wilson +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Are you overreacting I dont believe soI can see why you have chosen to ask someone opinion on this situation first off I can understand why he wishes to move closer to his son obviously it isn't so much the ex he wishes to be near however paying for her bills housing situation ect is ludicrous but he has as said from a fellow agony aunt been doing it for so long it has clearly become a regular for him so will be hard to get out of due to this it is clearly ruining your relationship as you have stated yourself you do not get to spend as much time with him as you would like so maybe mention this view to your partner that you want to spend more time with him and with him working the over time is not helping. As for getting to know "the ex", you dont have to be personally involved to make him happy with this one just simply a smile"hi how r u" will suffice so next time he asks tell him you will be civil. As for you partner saying you are insensitive he is voicing his opinion and as it seems to me can not take the truth. Furthermore I agree with above answer you need to seriously think of your future with this man as it sounds to me he is set in his ways and will not be changing anytime soon so unfortunately you need to either live with these things or leave Good luck
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (10 April 2016):
I think he's too accommodating because in some ways his ex is manipulative. Maybe if he wasn't so nice then she would limit child visitation. Has he arranged child custody yet?
He knows he is short changing his girlfriend but is making you feel selfish instead, in hopes of you not changing your mind about him. As he knows that very few women would put up with his limitations. You don't need to attend family functions that include his ex when you don't feel like it. I am guessing with you being there, it's less likely about "let us all be friends and get along," but more to show to her and her beau that he got a girlfriend too.
You are not overreacting. Even if you are a single mom yourself, which makes you somewhat equal to him, there is no reason why you have to make a connection with his ex, or that you have to tolerate his closeness (financially and location wise) with her.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 April 2016):
 Are you overreacting?
Both yes and no.
Your BF and his ex, have had an agreement and arrangement for 10-12 years and I guess it has worked for them.
If he wants her to spend HIS money, well that IS his choice.
If he feel the needs to work extra 40 hours a week to have any money for himself, that is his choice.
If he wants to live near HER and HIS son, again I can see why. It might mean he gets to see his son more than he used to.
BUT I personally, would NOT want to date this guy. There is no future here for you. What do you think will happen when the kid turns 18? You think he would remove her from his bank account? (I doubt it) what if you two got married? Or had kids? You and the kid(s) would be lower on his list of priorities, etc.
As for all the bad things he has told you... I think you should take them with a grain of salt. It's not uncommon that people paint an ex with a little extra "negative paint" to make themselves look better. I mean seriously, he is tad naive if he thought you would want to be friends with her after he told you a bunch of crap about her. Facts are... YOU DO NOT know the woman. All you know about her is hearsay from HIM. What HE chose to tell you.
My advice? Don't move in with him and maybe take some time to decide if he REALLY is a good partner for you long term.
My guess is that he is older than you and thus think HE is right and you are wrong. That HE knows better... Is that really someone you can see yourself with long term?
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