A
female
age
36-40,
*eonara
writes:my boyfriend and i have been going out for seven months and we really love each other. am 19 and he's 23 but we wanna get married in the near future. my dilemma is that he asks me a lot of questions about my past and wants to know about every man i have had previously. we have a lot of friends in common since he's from my area, which also means that he knows some of the guys i've been with. i don't wanna tell him about all the guys i've been with but he insists on knowing and says that if we are goin to get married then we should know everything about each other.am i wrong in trying to keep these things from him? should i tell him about all of my ex-boyfriends even if these are guys that he really dislikes? i really dont wanna loose him. please help.
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female
reader, Pork Hock  +, writes (19 April 2007):
I do agree with Chachacha, it depends on the line of questions. If they are sexual in nature then you don't have to divulge that to anyone! Asking if you've ever been serious with someone or you want to talk about a relationship gone sour are something for you to decide if you want to talk about it. You don't have to. If it is too painful then don't, if you find release from it and he is nuturing and supportive then that is a good sign. But if he is asking you all the time because he has seen one of your ex's and it has sparked up more angry thoughts, then my guess is he is jealous and is more concerned with his rep not you.
A
female
reader, leonara +, writes (19 April 2007):
leonara is verified as being by the original poster of the question hi everyone. thanx for the replies and for replying after i commented again.
my boyfriend and i have not discussed this issue again yet because i haven't decided what am goin to do yet. i really feel that i need to tell him about my exboyfriends but then i also feel that some of the things he says sometimes sound like emotional blackmail.
i guess when i finally make up my mind i will approach the subject and resolve it effectively.
thanx a lot to everyone that offered their advice. i am very grateful.
p.s. if things don't work out i hope i can still count on your help x
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (18 April 2007):
Hey how are you? How are you doing? What's been going in your head since all the advice?
We are mates, talk to us. PH
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A
male
reader, londonthieves +, writes (16 April 2007):
As a guy myself the only reason he is asking you is to compare himself to the guys.
I think you should tell him about the people he may know or see them occasionally; use your discretion.
It is better coming from you and spare him the embarassement of finding out from someonelse.
If you are gonna marry, its wise to know everything about it each and not having unpleasant surprises in the future..
However if you decide to tell him, make sure you emphasis that he is the best of them all (he maybe not), and that all the other men are nothing because you too have a connection.. be realistic aswell...
its a "man" thing...
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (15 April 2007):
No where in this whole issue do you mention how you would feel about yourself if people talked about you. If men come up and boast about them sleeping with you, then if your BF has any regard for you, he shouldn't judge you and he should tell these people who are showing off that he isn't interested. Surely what you have now is more important? What about the boot on the other foot, do you ask him who or how many woman he has slept with, what was the best shag he ever had...it's done, its history, enjoy what you have together. If he can't get over it, then he is treating you as a possession and is judging you unfairly. Why should you be worrying about who says something to him...he should just be happy with you and the present.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): leonara if you have slept with guys who he knows well enough for them to mention something to him then it would definitely be better coming from you. I can understand his point about finding out things from other people - and gossip like this does happen. I don't see how that is manipulative behaviour at all, but you know him best. But for the sake of him finding himself on the wrong side of a lads talk, it would much better come from you first, so in that regard I can see his point of view totally. You know the situation best though, you've been together for 7 months already and you say you're in love so I am absolutely sure you can both work it out.
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 April 2007):
 Fair enough, these guys may in passing say something, but in a case like this, he'll be pissed knowing that you have slept with these guys, and whether you tell him now, or they tell him later isnt gonna make him any less pissed!
Its your choice whether you tell him, and yes there are some healthy questions that can come from asking partners about previous experiences, but if he is asking who you have slept with, thats not right. By asking if he compares to your others etc etc, thats fine, but not asking names.
Besides, the what are the chances of any of these guys actually coming up to him saying something about you and them?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): Your boyfriend does not have the right to know to prevent him from feeling stupid if someone comes up to him to boast about sleeping with you.
He is responsible for how he feels, he could instead feel protective of you, and tell them to buzz off or else.
He is trying to manipulate you with emotional blackmail to get you to give him information...I would be asking why it is so important for him to know...it is not going to make him feel better hearing it from you, quite the opposite.
Just tell him that you were not born yesterday, you have a past, but now you are with him and only him and that should be enough.
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A
female
reader, leonara +, writes (15 April 2007):
leonara is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much to all the replies to my situation i really appreciate it. everyone said things that i agree with that sharing things about my past with my bf is something personal and i have the right to tell him or not.
the only thing is that my bf says that if i dont tell him about these other guys they might in turn come to him and boast that they have slept with me which will make him feel stupid if he doesnt know the truth. i do agree with this and its not easy to say that i wont tell him about my exes when he knows most of them. and possibly meets them on a daily basis. i know i have my right to keep my past private, but doesnt he have the right to know the truth to stop himself from looking stupid if some bitter ex comes up to him saying things about me that he doesn't know?
still quite confused...
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): Either way your relationship is in some trouble because if you don't tell him he's going to think the worst and, by the sounds of it, if you do tell him, he is also going to think the worst. Your situation is quite common and these things can really ruin relationships. Some people regard past partners, numbers etc, as personal and something not to be shared, others are a little more open about it, and indeed in some relationships can go a way to understand each other more deeply. The problem is that the more people someone has slept with, the more they want to keep it a secret, particularly if the other person hasn't also been that way.I think you need to decide whether or not you are happy having him know your past. If you are not, then you need to be very strong and sure about this belief and tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not going to tell him and that he needs to deal with that fact. On the other hand, if it is something you feel you can share, then go for it but be careful that it is "healthy" discussion and doesn't turn in to a inquisition and judgement against you.Sadly many people of your age, mostly guys, end up ruining relationships because the sexual past of their girlfriend does not meet the ideals of the type of women they see themselves as marrying. It is unfortunately a process in becoming older, more mature and truly ready for a life-long relationship when such matters no longer matter. Perhaps it may be that your boyfriend hasn't yet had enough of his own experiences to settle down and be with someone who has already had hers?
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (15 April 2007):
I don't agree with the others, and think it depends upon what he is asking you.
There are some very healthy things which your current boyfriend should be able to talk to you about, with respect t your previous relationships: e.g.
* what have you learned from your previous relationships about yourself?
* why did your previous relationship end?
* how does your experience from your previous relationship affect who you are approaching this relationship?
* were you ever unfaithful and what is your approach to being faithful?
* how did you deal with things in the relationship that you didn't like? what has this taught you about how you will communicate with me about things you don't like?
You should be prepared to talk about these things, because it is talking about yourself, your life, what you feel and think, and what makes you you. These things are important to know before you get married.
However, there are some unhealthy things which you should have to answer. Things which are not about you, but which are about your ex and your current bf's insecurity: e.g.
* is his penis bigger than mine?
* did he do this to you in bed too?
* who is better, me or him?
All of these kinds of questions are not appropriate. The only kinds of questions which are appropriate are ones which are really about him wanting to find out more about YOU. When he tries to find out more about the EX, then these are wrong.
Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 April 2007):
I dont think its right for him to ask who you have been with. Its a private thing! He can ask how many guys you've been with, but not who!
Its normal for your partner to want to know who and how many, but he hasnt got the right to ask and then tell you that if you were to get married that he needs to know everything about you. Its like saying to someone, I'm only gonna ask you to marry me, if you tell me the names of all the men you've been with.
My boyfriend and I know how many people weve each been with, but not who they are. Its a respect thing. We respect that we each have a past and thats exactly what that is. The past!
If he respects you, he wouldnt ask you about something that is personal to YOU!! As for loosing him, If he loves you are respects you, then this shouldnt get in the way anyway!
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A
female
reader, Pork Hock +, writes (15 April 2007):
Sorry girl but if he wants to know about who you knew, who you went with - he is trouble! My ex used to do that in minute detail, it is all about control....questions start with did he do this with you, why do you keep this etc etc? It becomes very suffocating. I was with my ex for 11 years, married for 4 and he cheated on me before and during our marriage. He was insanely jealous, always asked a million questions but cheated on me, he thought it was his right while I was pregnant, dealing with a newborn. Seriously I man shouldn't ask your past and neither should you, you should love and accept each other for who you are as of today, tomorrow and the future otherwise you are going to be ruined by him.
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A
female
reader, peppersalt +, writes (15 April 2007):
Sounds like he feels like he needs this information for either a) closure or b) torturing himself. I'm the same with my bf and his ex, I found after the initial shock of hearing things I didn't wanna hear I could deal with the idea of them together a lot better knowing I knew most of the details and wasn't building it up to be something it wasn't.
However, it's unfair of him to constantly pester you about your life before him. If you really don't want to disclose and he isn't shutting up tell him you're uncomfortable and are worried how his persistence in this is going to affect the relationship.
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