A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, first of all I was dumb enough to fall in love with a man who is still married. No kids. He is in the process of settling the financial matters and says he has a solictor working out the figures. We agreed we wouldn't see each other until he reached a point where he could introduce me as his girlfriend. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet because he is worried what they will think. He says the marriage is over and it had nothing to do with me. He lied though (to protect me) at the start by posting himself on a dating site as single when he was married. He says he loves me and will see me again and that he wants a relationship. I don't have his home number as he lives sometimes with his Mum and drops in sometimes to collect stuff or stay at the marriage house when she's not home. Problem is I drove past last week and his car was there at 11.30 at night. He said he was out to dinner with his Dad that night. Why would he go out to dinner with his Dad (an hour away from the marital home) and then go and stay at the marital home??? Am I stupid? He says the reason they have broken up is because he wasn't getting sex for months at a time and had to be Cassanova to try to get any from his wife. I don't know whether to trust him. I think maybe the right thing to do is say to him yes I love you, I will wait for you but I need to step back and not talk to you everyday, rather you call me when you are ready to invite me to your parent's house for dinner. I am like a rollercoaster, it has been months that I haven't seen him and it seems the negotiations are indefinite! ie has hasn't given me a fixed number of months, went from 2-3 to 4, maybe more...do you think he's still in love with his wife and just cheating? But then why would he call me all the time and constantly reassure me of his feelings, that he wants to be with me and do it 'right' rather than give in and see each other now? I don't doubt his love for me, but I don't know what the right thing to do is. I don't want to lose him but telling him to not call me until he is truly free, because he says he might be too shy to call later down the track in case I have moved on and he just looks like an idiot.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 March 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know this question was posted in 2007, but just wanted to say how right you all were and to say thanks, your responses were just what I needed. I finally ditched this guy, and have since met a lovely, sweet SINGLE guy who has asked me to marry him!! YAY. Thank you for the help!
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female
reader, Midge  +, writes (2 May 2007):
 No-one ever said it would be easy, but you know in your heart that the right thing would be to end it, until he becomes "available" and I mean available, on the market!
As hard as it may be, you need to muster up the strength to just END IT! I have had to do it in the past and it was one of the hardest things I had to do, but I knew it needed to be done.
Instead of him calling you tonight, why not call him tonight and just say to him, "I love you very much which is why you will understand that I just need to do this. Please do not interupt me as its hard enough what I have to say already........." If he honestly loves you, he will understand and adhere to your request.
Its also a way of knowing how he feels about you, because if he loves you like he says he does, he will do everything in his power to hurry things along because he will want to spend time with you. Also if by some chance he does reconcile with his wife, you will then know exactly what his intentions were. And that would be, to keep you on a string.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): Well, you can re-read my original post. It seems you are sitting by the phone talking to an unavailable married man for 1 to 2 hours of your life every day, yet he is not coming around to spend time with you or be with you, and his wife wants to stay married.
He is telling you what you want to hear so that you will wait for him because he enjoys having sex with you when he wants some variety from his wife. Don't listen to his words, read his behavior. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, if you get nothing else, get that.
This man does not love you. He loves fooling around with you in secret and the adrenalin rush he gets from sneaking around like a little boy behind his momma's back, nothing more.
Please cut this childish selfish man from your life...like a bandaid, just rip it off, it hurts like hell, but you will not remember the pain after awhile, move on, you are wasting your life on this guy, surely you can find a more fulfilling relationship. If you just can't summon the will power to do it, seek some counseling to help you get through it. Good Luck to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 May 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear AllThank you so much for your very sensible responses. Just to update, I have waited now for 3 months for this man and he still says it might be another couple of months. I also asked him if his wife would like to reconcile and he said yes, she would, even though the marriage is essentially over. He calls me every day once or twice and we talk for 1-2 hours at a time, so I am finding breaking away extremely difficult, as every time I feel brave enough he will ask me where we should take our first holiday, which restaurant he should book for a couple of months to take me out, things like that...he constantly says things like, 'Sara, if I didn't fully intend for us to be together I wouldn't be calling you all the time, I love you so much, I didn't intend to fall in love with anyone, but it did and the timing is bad but I am sorting stuff out...'..Then he will say, look, if you want me to go, just tell me and I will...which makes me panic and say, no you know thats not what I want...I feel a bit obsessed by all this and don't know how just tell him not to contact me until he is completely sorted...it is one of the hardest things I have ever done (and I am divorced with a 3 year old and ended that!)..how do you just force yourself to put a stop to something like this? Please help, you all sound so nice and supportive and most of all...right!!
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reader, londonthieves +, writes (16 April 2007):
This guy loves his wife so so much but he is not having sex at home.. PLEASE, PLEASE for your own sake forget about this gut, do not talk to him delete his number and forget it. It will hurt for a while, but you'll soon realise that it was not one of your brightest moments in life...
What this guy is telling is typical cliche " you're special, i can't just leave my wife like that, i often live at my parents, divorce in process, day i live you im yours, i wanna marry you, i love you, just trust me."
He is bad news
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (15 April 2007):
 Hi,
You can't lose something that wasn't yours to begin with. He is feeding you lines and stringing you along. You know everything that he is lying about, because you wrote about it in your letter! He has you so confused that you don't believe yourself! He is a liar and a cheat, and he has no intention of leaving his wife. Think about this, if he is treating his wife that way, why on earth do you think he will treat you any better? You need free yourself from this selfish individual and find someone who truly loves and respects you. You deserve better that this. Put it behind you as a lesson that you have learned and paid a price for and look out for wedding bands in the future. Life's too short and it's not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2007): I did not read the other aunts comments so if I repeat, well forgive me.
You say you don't doubt his love for you, but you have not seen him in months. You don't even know his home phone number because he lives at his Mum's and at his marital home....he tells you that he is divorcing because he never "got any" from his wife, yet you saw his car at 11:30 PM at "their" house....and he lied to you about going out to dinner that night with his father.
Why does he still tell you he wants you to wait for him, you ask? He lied when he posted himself on a dating sight as single, and you later found out he was seperated or in an unhappy marriage, but still married....The reason he has not introduced you to his family and friends, has not given you a home phone number, has not called you or seen you in months, but still occasionally tells you he still loves you, is this guy is completely self centered and is a big fat liar! You don't trust him at all, nor should you.
Never, never date a married man, never date a seperated man, unless you like being kept on the back burner, as a back up screw when he is feeling lonely, needs an ego boost because he and his wife are fighting, and he is afraid to be alone.....it will only end up like this, you sitting there questioning and doubting yourself and feeling lost and alone.
Dump this looser and get on with life, stop hanging around the phone waiting on someone who will lie to get whatever he wants from you, he is in no way telling you that he loves you, he doesn't, he loves himself quite a bit though.
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A
female
reader, chachacha +, writes (15 April 2007):
If I were you, I would assume that nothing will come of this at all. Do not wait for him and do not rely on him.
You have heard of "rebound relationships"? Well this would be one, even if it worked out. He has issues to deal with and needs to gain some emotional maturity to sort things out, not just go pretending to be single and treating you like shit.
You deserve better than this. Find someone else
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female
reader, Midge +, writes (15 April 2007):
From what you have said, I have serious doubts that he has actually made any attempt to distance himself from his wife. It seems from my outsiders point of view that this guy is just a player.
It seems that he is still living in the marital home, having a relationship with his wife, but still telling you he loves you, because he knows he can get sex from you too. These players will say anything and do anything to have you believe that they love you, just to get what they want out of you.
You may love him, but if he keeps changing the goal posts and not giving you definate information about his relationship with his wife, like when and if there is a divorce on the cards, and when it will be finalised!
If I were you, I would take one huge step back and ask yourself, "Do you wait until he is quite ready to commit and in the meantime possibly waste the next year waiting for him, or do I just say, thanks its been great but I'm not prepared to wait for something that may never be!"
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