A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hello,I need some advise. I am in the in the mids of breaking up with my bf with whom I am with for 4 years. Is there anyone there who could help me lessen the pain a bit? I have read everywhere that the no contact rule should be applied but I don't want to get back with him, I just want to slowly fall out of love with him. I accept we are over but the pain is so unbearable, we still talk. Like nothing happened but we just don't see each other anymore. The last time we did, we ended up kissing passionately and hugging each other.I know he still loves me but he has begged me not to contact him anymore so he could get his head straight. He said he wants to stop loving me so if I keep on talking to him, he will always think of me. But still now we talk. He tells me little things like where he is or that he had a fight with a bank teller. I send him a message and he still responds to me. His parents have engaged him with another girl as per their tradition and he told me he wants them to be proud of him and he does not want to hurt them. He doesn't want to break their trust. The girl is in another country and she calls him more than 3 times a day and he deliberately leaves his phone at home so he wont hear it phone ring. I have been crying every night and I cannot bear the pain sometimes and he tells me he is crying too. He said if I only know how he feels. How do I lessen the pain? Please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 December 2013):
 As much as it hurts, this IS the way for you to move on.
You are doing good! And you are doing the right thing. HE can not and WILL not give you want you need/want from him, so setting YOURSELF free is really the best option.
Good luck and I hope it gets easier over time and that he will realize he can't have you and marry someone else.
A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (18 December 2013):
 Wow, you're a very strong woman. Good for you for standing your ground!
You've got the right attitude. And soon you will feel so much better. You've already started getting there in just a handful of days.
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): Detachment and breaking old habits is the tough part. It is beneficial for the both of you to leave each other alone.
You'll find yourself weakening and over-come with the urge to call; or you'll be stressed by the strong impulse to give in.
That is the struggle between logic and emotion. Fight with all your might to stay "no contact." You can do it.
You don't know how you did it the last time; and in time you'll forget how you did it this time. It was shear determination.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your advises, it made me cry so hard I couldn't breathe. Each has his own way to explain it based on their experience. I have experienced an earlier break up before and now I don't know how I got over it. I think the NC rule was very helpful at that time.But this is different, this is 4 yrs of saying good mornings and good nights. Years of saying I love yous and you're the love of my life.I have not responded over the few days since I have read this coz I tried to internalize everyone's advise and try to see myself outside of my situation. In these few days, I feel a big difference in how I feel about this situation. I know I can do it.For now, suddenly my BF is treating me like nothing happened and has started offering the keys to his house again. I am scared what's on his mind as he is saying to me now that he realizes he can't stand to be with someone he doesn't love. Last night he suddenly asked me to come to his house and the whole time I thought he wanted for us not to see each other. I don't know what to make of this behavior but it really made me realize that I am not willing to go back anymore. It's like my heart has started to unlove him...it's all because of this test that he failed to pass. That he chose his honor, to save his face rather than to fight for me. And that makes him a different person now, not the person that I love who would do anything for me.I didn't go. I said I was too lazy too go. I cannot fully stop now my talks with him but I am positive very soon I will be strong enough to stop responding to him. I hope this will be tomorrow.Thank you all.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (16 December 2013):
 Aren't you being a bit selfish in your grief ?
He asked you to let him be and stop contacting him. You disobey, he is not strong enough to just ignore you so he answers back.. and that's not good for you or for HIM. It makes him cry. It makes him feel worse thinking of a past that he needs to forget. And if he is half decent, it makes him feel guilty , toward his parents and toward his future wife whom he accepted to promise his loyalty to.
You are making it worse also for him, not just for yourself. So, show some compassion, and let him be.
Then again, I am not sure how much he deserves compassion, as touched upon by YouWish. If he knew right off the bat that he was destined to an arranged marriage, and you two never were going to have a future together, how did he presume to waste your time and string you along for years ?... But that would be another story...
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (16 December 2013):
You can go no contact but at the same time, this does not mean you need to throw yourself into a dark corner. Try to seek comfort in your friends. You should also slowly reopen your heart to admires and consider dating/flirting or just gaining the attention of others. The internet also allows your to pour your troubles to others. You can also begin new friendships if you wanted. The worst thing you can do in trying to get over him, is nothing.
Everytime you begin to sink into depression, just remember that life is too short, and you do not deserve to be alone if you do not want to be.
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A
female
reader, Brokenv +, writes (16 December 2013):
God I know the pain. The no contact rule is the best rule to move on. I haven't seen the guy I truly love in almost 2 years. I still miss and hunger for him. At the begining I was paralized with my heart ache. To this day I could not trust myself alone with him. He has since moved on and is married.
I keep myself busy with my kids, my career, my friends, my family, hitting the gym, courses, and reading a good novel.
He has made a decision to leave you and move on. Let him go but more importantly do this for yourself.
Believe me it gets better. It is just baby steps. One minute at a time. Grab life and go get it.
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 December 2013):
Go no contact not for his sake but for your own and then IF he tries to contact you, IGNORE it. Don't let him have ANY more say in your life.
It won't be easy to get over this guy, but going no contact will make it "easier" for you.
He was NEVER available to you. YOU were a GF to have while he passed his time. THAT is what would help ME move on and keep the no contact.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2013): I do understand where your coming from.
But if you want to focus on how to forget him then you have to be serious about it.
I know you love him and you believe that he loves you too.
Fine I will not disagree with you.
But here's what you need to focus on so you can SERIOUSLY CONCENTRATE FORGETTING YOUR EX.
1. Forget about the good times you've had with him
Past is past its something that should not interfere your present. Leave it all behind, like nothing happen as much as possible.
HOW? read #2 rule.
2. THINK BAD ABOUT HIM.
Girl, were in modern times now. We respect family tradition, but it does not mean that you have to strictly follow it, especially if its something that will jeopardize your happiness, the affairs of the heart.
how many royal families have broken their family tradition in the name of Love? LOTS.
So if he sincerely love you, he will fight for you, no matter how worst the outcome might be. But since his not doing it, to me his love for you is not as deep as the ocean. Its more like a bubble. Sorry, I have to be honest.
It is what it is. No sugar coating. Just Facts.
3. Listen to songs that will lighten up your moods.
Some power break up songs.
Sing with it,
Dance with it
Until such time you believe every words from those songs.
4. CHANGE YOUR NUMBER.
You need not to hear from him.
your hurting, its good if your not hurting. i mean at least at this time, try to be unavailable for him.
Who knows if he cant reach you, and he might start to think and follow his heart to be with you. But if he dont. Dont despair at least you know that everything he said to you is just a BUBBLE.
Hey, i wish you well. I know I'm a bit harsh but at least its not giving you a false hope. Men are so smart. I guess what I'm trying to say is, Just don't believe everything you hear from him. Words w/out actions are just BUBBLES. Nothing, meaningless...
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2013): The thing that a lot of these young men know long before they steal the hearts of young women living in Canada and the United States; is that they are engaged before they ever left their homeland. They are corresponding and keeping in contact with their arranged-wives and their families the whole time. While still carrying on relationships with Canadian and American girls. Sometimes, it isn't true. Just their easy way out of a relationship. You can't argue with an arranged marriage. How convenient!You are swept away by their accent. They are very exotic and different. So women fall so very easily for them. However; their ulterior motives are no different from any other slick player.Many young women give away their hearts thinking these men are going to give up their religion and family traditions. Love is your reason for giving him your body; but his parents aren't considering you anything more than a foreigner who corrupted their son. Tempting him away from his faith; while loosely exploiting your body and acting in shame. That is an awful way to be seen; but he respects their wishes and approval above all else. He denies you when in her arms. You are of a corrupt world,an abomination. Temptress. She'll forgive him; because men have needs.If you don't understand their culture, you have no idea what you're doing. That's to his advantage. If you had known better, you might have avoided all this.Even if you are a woman of the same culture, and ethnic background; you're Westernized, and ignoring tradition in order to get what you want. Regardless of the cost.I read post after post of the same story, and it tears my heart out. Foreign men bound under religious law to marry according to tradition and faith. Yet they are drawn to American, European, and Canadian women. Mainly because they can have premarital sex. Some foolish women carry on long-distance relationships; while he lives a totally invisiable life oceans away.They know they will never marry these women. They also know their traditions and beliefs look down on women of different faith, and consider them less than pure. Even if he's the one who took your virginity. He would never marry you, that's in defiance of his parents and religious beliefs. He wants to marry a woman of pure virtue. Not one who has given herself to other men.You have to go no contact; because that is the only way you will fully detach. What choice do you have? Contacting him is slow torture. Face the realities. He belongs to someone else and he is officially engaged.Your story will teach other young women attending colleges and universities who allow these young men to attract them into these relationships. Most often failing to reveal his pending marriage. Sex is his hidden agenda, and marriage was never an option. You don't expect him to tell you that's all it was to him. He will offer you the performance your heart expects. He has the perfect exit speech, well-rehearsed,and passionately delivered. Just like out of a storybook. Giving your heart away to a man on a limited visa is begging for heart-break. You shouldn't go in with your full heart, or for the long-term. You know the risks, and you prepare for them. Like you do with any other boyfriend; you enjoy it by the semester; but you watch for the red-flags. You guard your feelings. This is a lesson learned.You have reached into my heart. I know how it hurts. Please be strong and let go. You will bounce back. Allow the healing and grieving to begin. Break all contact now.You are stronger than you know.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (15 December 2013):
 I really do understand your pain. This was one of the reasons my guy of 12 years and I broke up. He was Japanese and even at 46, he couldn't stand to disappoint his parents so he decided to return to Japan and try to marry a Japanese girl. I waited YEARS for him and in the end lost out to pressure and family.
I know how much you are hurting, but the no contact rule is the best way to go. At first my guy and I kept talking to each other, and it just hurt sooo badly because I knew we weren't going to get together and yet it gives you false hope. It hurts..oh it hurts so badly to stop talking, stop emailing, stop texting...but leaving the door open hurts even worse and makes it take so much longer to heal! Please listen to everyone on here and just close the door. Its like a band aid..rip it off fast and get it over with. Ripping it off slowly just takes that much longer and hurts worse.
Its going to take time, but eventually it won't hurt as much as it does now. Try your best to keep busy, go out with friends, get a new hobby. Every time you start to think of him, immediately focus on something else. Don't hold on to someone that you can't have sweetie..it hurts too much. I know..I did it. Its not worth the pain. Let him go so that you can be free to find someone who can love you and stay with you, not have to be tied down to family and tradition. I wish you all the best. *HUGS*
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 December 2013):
 **sigh** Arranged marriage strikes again.
The more you keep in contact with him, the more you will hurt. You need to cut it off. No pain is unbearable, and you can lean on your friends and family to be your shoulder until it lessens.
The relationship needs to be grieved, not rehashed. In his case, he led you on if he was never available as a relationship for you. I would be pissed off if some guy spent years with me only to tell me that I could never have had him in the first place.
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A
female
reader, llifton +, writes (15 December 2013):
Is this arranged marriage the reason you two split? I've experienced this somewhat before. My gf was from Saudi Arabia living in the US and her mother constantly tried to arrange marriages for her. She finally stood up to her mother and told her she would marry whomever she pleased and the american way if marriage and dating was the culture she choose for herself. Her mom disowned her, but she stood up to her.
It sounds like your ex is unable to do the that. He's parents opinion is everything. Is he Japanese, by chance? I know how much family is everything in that culture. He can't let them down or go against them.
In this case, it truly is genuine heart break for both of you because you both love each other so much but he really feels he has no choice but to leave you for what his family wants for him. Unless he stands up against his family, it's over. And you're right, the best thing you can do for yourself is to go no contact. Not to get him back, but to move on. It's like ripping a bandaid off rather than removing it slowly. By ripping it off, you're dealing with excruciating pain for just a little while, but it's over quicker. Doing it slowly only prolongs the pain.
I know its hard and feels unbearable. But in a months time, give or take, it will start to feel so much better. And before you know it, you will be okay.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, devont  +, writes (15 December 2013):
 Did I miss it in your post? Why are you breaking up?He asked you not to contact him... And you should ask him to do the same. It really is the easiest way. It doesn't work for everyone, but I agreed with an ex that we wouldn't contact each other for six months after the break up... The six month mark came and went and we'd both moved on so we never actually got back in touch. Knowing that there was a 'possibility' in the future made me able to stay away as I had something to focus on, but as I say, it didn't matter in the end. I know it feels like you can't do it... but if you really are broken up for good, you need to be independent for a while and not communicate with him. Good luck, I hope it works out how you want.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (15 December 2013):
No contact rule isn't just for TRYING to get someone back, it's for getting OVER someone. You're only going to prolong the pain if you stay in contact with him. Going no contact is the only way to lessen the pain. I've gone no contact on several occasions and it really does help...and no, I wasn't trying to get them back every time, I was trying to get over them. It is hard in the beginning, but it gets easier as time goes on.
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