A
female
age
41-50,
*anniepeg
writes:I am a single mom with a 4 year old son. My boyfriend has a small issue of me not putting my son to bed before 9pm, so that we could have sex. We don't live together, we live 15 minutes apart. The thing is that he sometimes gets tired at 8pm and he gets a nap whenever he wants. I don't get that privilege. I agree to hire a babysitter every Saturday evening. I work full time weekdays and I feel nothing wrong with spending extra hours with my son. I sometimes feel like men discipline their children for a selfish reason that their women could spend more time with them. But I see that a lot of couples discipline their children, yet they are not that intimate with each other. Am I right to assume that it's more a power thing that if I discipline my son, it means I love my man more? Is this what he wants to feel? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (20 February 2010):
janniepeg is verified as being by the original poster of the question Today I was about to drop off my son at the babysitter. I called my boyfriend and ask if he could pick us up. He said sorry he couldn't because the water guy will come between 1pm to 6pm to fix his basement. He had to be home. He told me to drop my son off myself and take a cab to his place, which he would reimburse me. I got angry with him because this is not the first time, so whether the babysitting thing works is hit or miss. We got into an argument and he said I would just be bitter so I shouldn't bother coming. Then he said I was childish in an impatient way. This is life. He didn't want to see me. He said his life is in a flux. His brother died. He has family members to take care of. But even before then I didn't feel I am his priority. At the same time we both knew we are not just about sex. I don't regret letting my emotions out. My anxiety dreams are telling me something. What do you think about all this?
A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (20 February 2010):
When you discipline a child, you are not doing it for your man or even yourself. You discipline a child FOR that child. There is nothing wrong with putting your child to bed by 7.30pm or 8pm max. Just because you are single it doesn't mean you are free from having to set boundaries. All children learn their limits at home to enable them to integrate properly in society. When your child starts school they have to wake up early, have to behave a certain way, be considerate of others, respect authority etc. So your boyfriend is right about discipline, but just for the wrong reason. If in future you do want a serious relationship with a man, the level of discipline your kids have can be a deciding factor for a man, just like how it can be for a woman choosing to break up with a man because his kids are rude or whatever. Set limits for your child within reason; it helps your child and also helps your relationships in future. Don't spoil a child because you have guilt; you are helping your child more by setting limits. I am a single mother of 3 so I understand that its hard but I honestly did the hard work when they were little and now I just have to say "bed" and they disappear without a fuss; even the 5 year old! Good luck!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 February 2010):
Of course your child is number 1. Any person will understand that. Interestingly, I do't think an early bedtime is such a bad thing, but for a different reason. If you don't have a timetable now, come the future he will not go to sleep. My mother had that problem with my brother. Even not, aged 18, he can't sleep until about midnight. So there is no harm in a bedtime.
That said, your boyfriend doesn't seem to understand how much effort goes in to being a single parent (more specifically, a mum who has her child all the time.) You're already compromising as much as you can. And if he's only interested in putting your child to bed for no other reason than sex, then be concerned he doesn't care about you as much as he should. He should be wanting to spend more time with you, not just have sex.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 I dont know how much you need to keep this man in your life but I have seen similar situations for years.
He wants to be number one. And he will continue to want to be number one as your child grows and his (your child's) need change your boyfriend is going to be there in the way.
From your letter you appear to be a good mother, you are working to support you both and you have offered to get a baby sitter on a regular basis so that you can have "couples' time with your boyfriend, but this doesnt appear to be enough, and it never will.
There is nothing wrong spending extra time with your son, its good for both of you ....... yes its a power thing and it isnt going to change, you are still young, you come across as intelligent and caring, this man is not your last chance at happiness, which you probably wont end up with if you stay with him anyway.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): If you discipline your son that has NOTHING to do with your man. That doesn't mean you love your man more. Your child has to come first becaue you are the parent. Your boyfriend needs to understand that the child is your first responsiblity. But you do need to make time with your man. The issue with putting your son to bed early is up to you. If you do want to spend mroe time with you man putting your son to bed early might be an easy way. Especially if your son is getting tired around this time anyway. He should be asleep. You should definately spend extra hours with your son. Remember your son's always going to be there while men can come and go. Depending on how serious this relationship is I recomend trying to intergrate your man into time with your son. Spend time as a family unit. If your man is only interested in you and not taking an interest in your child you might want to think about where you want this relationship to go. If its jsut for fun that's fine but if you are looking for more you won't be able to have it with a man who doesn't care for your child. You should spend alone time with both your son and your man but also try to spend some time together, your son, you, and your man. The choice is yours. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): He needs to understand and respect you have a son. Sounds like you are compromising with having a baby sitter on weekends. Tell him you love him, but aren't going to unnecessarily discipline your son just so you all can have sex. As amazing as it might be.That being said. A 4 year old being awake past 9pm is a little too late don't you think? Don't let him take a nap?
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A
female
reader, Wobbles +, writes (20 February 2010):
I am not going to comment on your boyfriend. I am just going to tell you about my own personal experience with my son. When he was your sons age I used to let him stay up and play. This became a problem when he reached school age because he was used to a pattern of staying up late and sleeping in later. It was nearly impossible to get him out of bed and he was always tired at school. This was not the best for his education. He is now a teenager and we still have the same problem. A reasonable bedtime is not a bad thing.
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