A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband of 5 yrs (been together for 11 yrs) has become increasingly uninterested in me and our marriage over the last 7 yrs. I'm not really sure if he is having an affair, although a lot of the circumstances surrounding us appear that he could be. In the last 12 months we've only had sex twice, once was when our daughter was conceived - to which I later found out we only had sex that night as he was threatened at work by a customer (physical violence) and feared for his life - so I guess he thought that he'd better have sex one last time incase he was killed the next day. The sex started to slow down 7 yrs ago, when admittedly I'd put on some weight, but now we never have sex. During the years as it was becoming more and more infrequent, I also used to notice that he got increasingly better at sex - he used to be fairly bad at it, but then suddenly he'd do new moves which I hadn't taught him, which made me suspicious - but then maybe he'd just learnt it from watching porn on the internet or something.He also has some kind of strange obsession with porn, particularly magazines - he keeps them at work, one time recently when I hadn't been to his workplace in a good 6 mths, there was a pile no less than 60cm high!I used to have to beg him for sex constantly but have now given up as I'm tired and hurtful of the rejection. When we had our first child 3 yrs ago he started to sleep on the lounge at night saying that he was scared of hitting my belly in his sleep, (even though he never moved that much and has ever accidentally hit me in his sleep) but since then he has not come back to bed. He makes excuses like he needs to sleep with the window open, even though for 4 yrs he slept in our bed with no window open.He always keeps his mobile phone in his car, but I have no evidence of calls to other women (he owns his own business and I do the books so check the bills), but still I find this strange. Perhaps he has another mobile somewhere. The nature of his work means that he can't wear his wedding ring to work, but on weekends he always forgets to wear it on outings, and if I didn't remind him, he wouldn't wear it.Of late he is increasingly distant, he has stopped giving me a birthday card on my birthday...and a valentine's day card. He also sometimes just gets aggressive with me verbally for no real reason. He also recently tried to give up smoking again - the last time being when we first met, as I didn't smoke.In the past when I've brought up my concerns on the lack of sex and romance - we just end up yelling at each other as he gets aggressive.Perhaps he just doesn't love me any more but is not sure how to end it as we have kids. All of my family is in another state, so if we ever broke up, I would definitely move interstate, as I have no real friends here of my own.I'm interested in your suggestions.
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female
reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 Im really sorry for this situation you have. I know its easy for us here to give some comment or suggestions, but for you its not easy to make a decision. I have a feeling this relationship is not anymore active and mentally healthy. I think its time for you to move on and find for your self a happiness. If he dont appreciate what you are doing now, then why stay there? i know its a hard words to say but i would say better leave him now and find your better happiness. you deserve that. everybody deserve to have their own happiness. I wish you good luck and i feel for you..
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 Sometimes you gotta stop and remember that your not gonna live forever.
Be young, thing smart, stay true and just follow your heart.
Nothing is going to change if you stay put. It is not your fault and never will be.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (20 February 2010):
The marriage has gone stale and there is no more sparks .Love has flown out through the windows.
He could have taken you for granted or stuck in a rut which he is powerless to do anything.
When a thing is no more , you will come to appreciate it.
You could move out and leave him alone for sometime and make him see how much you have contributed in the relationship.
If he does not change or learn to appreciate your contributions, it is time to seek your own happiness.
Do not tolerate any more of his mental and psychological abuses.
You will need to prepare financially and mentally for this trip.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja  +, writes (20 February 2010):
 I agree with the other posts and just want to add that you are showing your children a very unhealthy relationship. When they get older they will do as they have learned. If you allow your husband to treat you with total disinterest your children will allow that kind of treatment in their lives. It is what they have learned.
For their sakes and especially for yours, leave and find someone who cares about you. You will be happier and they will see how they should be treated.
Even if your husband is not cheating, he is not interested in the relationship. For me, I lasted 22 years in a loveless marriage. The feeling of rejection when your husband doesn't want to touch you sexually DOES spiral and eventually your self esteem is rock bottom. I dug myself out of the hole, found the courage and resiliance to leave and took my impressionable teenage daughter with me. I haven't found anyone yet but I have my self esteem back and I am happy. My daughter learned a valuable lesson of self respect and I hope she has a happy marriage one day.
All the best.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): Firstly, hun I am so sorry that you have to go through this.
I'm going to give you straight, honest advice from my heart.
If I had read your post five weeks ago, I would think, what an idiot this woman is to make constant excuses for his clearly immoral behaviour. But now, having only gone through the same thing four weeks ago (except he was my bf of a decade and we had no kids), I read your post and completely understand what mindset you're currently in.
The last few months, I became very sick with stress.. that constant knawing ache in my stomach.. that gut feeling that told me something just wasn't right.. that there was something my boyfriend wasn't telling me. I refused to believe he was actually cheating, because he hadn't touched me intimately in Y E A R S. I had forgotten what being touched felt like.
He never touched me for years, he never wanted to commit to me, he always had an excuse. I told myself that men go into their caves, especially if they're having a hard time at work. My bf was the typical boy-next-door.. NOT a ladies man.. never looked twice at a pretty girl on the street and girls didn't exactly oogle over him. But I was absolutely head over heals for him. The reason I'm telling you this is because I thought cheaters were these slick pretty-boy types.. but they can come in any package unfortunately. I thought I'd chosen someone who I could always trust and who would be open and honest with me as I was with him.
TRUST YOUR GUT.. TRUST IT.. IT'S TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! Just reading your post, I can safely guarantee you that your husband is cheating on you. I don't want to upset you by saying that, but my bf was cheating on me, for what turns out to be the entire ten years.. he lived a double life.. and there were only a COUPLE of signs.
I spent a month playing private detective until I actually found the physical evidence.. because I failed to believe it otherwise.. but in the end, I wished I'd just trusted my gut.. because seeing it for yourself is traumatising.. and I already really knew. His texting (or game playing) he said he was doing on his cellphone that was always silenced.. leaving my house early at night for no reason, having his phone off when I try and call during the day.. never taking me out in public to work functions.. no bday or valentines cards for years... all the signs were there.
I'm sorry that it's so much more difficult for you with kids to consider. But for your kids sake, you need to get out of this as soon as you can. They don't want a sick mum whose too tired and deflated to really spend quality time with them.. and I tell you what, this problematic relationship will wear you down to that point if you don't get out now while you're strong.
I hate to say this as I know it's upsetting to read. It's only that I know it's going to be so hard for you, so you have to accept what's happened, perhaps without any physical evidence.. trust your gut and make the break. I can pass on the wisdom that I've gained from my experience to you. I never really thought of this when I went through it, but you have to tell yourself that you DESERVE to be happy.. and you're ALLOWED to just end this because it's not making you happy any more.
Do me a favour and read your post again. Try to mentally step outside the square and pretend someone else wrote that. He doesn't wear his wedding ring to work, he keeps his cellphone in the car? He sleeps in the LOUNGE? The cellphone thing is a surefire sign of cheating. I never ever touched my bf's phone. He hated to be questioned.. and would flair up with this nasty short temper he'd seemed to develop over his years of coping with the guilt over living a double life I suppose.
I know I sound like a psychologist here, but you've been together for 11 years. I was in my relationship for 10. It's better to cut your losses now, after 11 years than to stay for 12. You have spent enough of your life trying to make this man happy.
From what I've read in your post, I gather you're a very caring, very giving person who thinks of HIS needs and puts those first before your own. I can also tell that you've put your own wants and needs on the backburner for many years and done everything EVERYTHING you can to make this marriage a happy and healthy one. I'm in therapy right now and I'm learning so much. My therapist gave me this advice, which I'm now giving to you: A relationship is 50/50 and YOU are putting in ALL the emotional work.. and he is doing nothing!!!
This is hard to hear, as it was hard for me to accept about my relationship, but from what you've told me, he no longer wants to be in this marriage.. and that's NOTHING TO DO with you. He is a very selfish person who is thinking of his own needs and he's probably longing for something different.. or a way to feed his ego.. men who are depressed self-medicate with extramarital sex.
What I've learnt through my experience is you think of men as these complicated beings, but in actual fact, I think it sounds like you've already got it all figured out.. you just wanted reassurance that your gut instinct was right. I have to tell you that it is.. and I'm as sure of that as I could possibly be.
When I was on the internet all hours doing my own detective work, (which I'm trying to save you from wasting your time doing.. because I should've just trusted my own feelings to lead me), I found this site. See for yourself. I'm sure he matches all this criteria.
http://www.signs-of-a-cheater.com/signs_of_cheating_men.html
ALL THE VERY BEST with this. I know it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.. but you will honestly look back in six months and be so much stronger and glad you did it. Don't take his lies and tell yourself what you know is happening isn't. Get out and take care of yourself and your children.
Having kids is ALL THE MORE reason to leave this guy behind.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (20 February 2010):
I'm afraid it sounds like he's not interested. It's terribly sad, of course. But you're obviously a good woman and it would be sad for you to live your life with a guy who doesn't care, when there is another out there who can love you. I think you need to prepare everything for a divorce, get all the information you can and such. Then tell your husband straight that unless things change, you will have no choice but to divorce. That will either kick him into action, or he will agree. But at least you'll know where you stand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 February 2010): I am also sorry to hear your situation. It sounds like he has controlled your ability to communicate effectively by yelling and acting aggressively. For this reason, I really believe the marriage is not healthy and is about control. Would he even go to counseling with you? If you cannot even communicate your feelings or get a real answer for some of his actions, I'd say you need not put yourself through this kind of suffering anymore. Even with your children, I believe they are better off in an environment where they don't have to witness a loveless relationship if your husband is unwilling to work with you in counseling so that you can save your marriage. They will truly be better off (in my opinion) to be with your family and friends who love you. Just my opinion! I hope you do what best for you, because that will be what's best for your children! Hugs!
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A
female
reader, Moon13 +, writes (20 February 2010):
 First of all Im so very sorry that this is happening to you.. by the looks of things, things will not get any better. Sounds like he unfortunately doesnt have feelings for you anymore, and he doesn't know how to handle the situation without hurting you, the kids,and his pocket book. I think you should come to terms with the outcome, and know in your heart that their are men out there that don't mind the extra weight. Seriously woman you need to trust in your gutt instincts, and then sit down as civilized as possible and get to the root of the problem, and discuss this with him. Tell him to be honest.. because nobody deserves to live the rest of their lives, unloved, untouched, and sad. The rest well you will know what to do... just keep your chin up and your backbone intact girl.. don't ever let anyone drag or put you down. Good luck!
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