A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:A year ago, I met the man of my dreams. I am 21, and he is 27. He is originally from Australia, and had spent the last three years living in the uk. He moved over here to live with his father who is a British citizen. We met through mutual friends, and we soon became a couple. After 4 months, I was thinking of moving out of home and he asked me to move in with him as he wanted to find somewhere of his own. We had a brilliant first few months together, it sounds stupid but it really was how you imagine the perfect first home with your boyfriend. But in the past few months, he has fallen out with his father over family matters here in the uk, and now he wants to return to Australia. I have no plans to leave my family, my friends, my job or my home after just a year with someone, even though I love him and I want us to have a future. He had already began looking into getting me a visa before he actually asked me to move with him. When I told him I wasn't ready for such a huge step, he said if I wanted a future with him like I always tell him I do, it wouldn't matter where we were. He also pointed out, as did my best friend, I moved in with him after four months so I should understand that I have already taken a big step and it's not wrong for him to want me to move with him back home. We were fighting so much about it, he asked me to leave the flat if I couldn't support his decision. I had tried to help heal things with his father for him but he refused to listen, and said he was going to Australia with or without me. I then decided to move back in with my parents. I honestly can't see why he doesn't realise how hard a move that big would be for me. I do feel bad, Infact I feel like a complete bitch for not even giving it a try but I can't pretend it's something I want when it's not. I want us to stay here, maybe one day in the future we could look again at moving to Australia. I understand it's his home, and for whatever reason he has, he just wants to go home, but it means leaving my whole life behind and I can't do that. Should I just walk away and let him leave? Is it for the best because I don't want to feel like this anymore, and I don't want to hurt him anymore.
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female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (27 February 2014):
 I can’t say I like his attitude; …leave the flat if you couldn’t support his decision. This speaks volumes. Imagine following him to Australia and he says; leave Australia if you don’t like it? So my advice is; you stay put and let him go home dragging is immature convict tail behind him.
If he can’t listen or understand your valid concerns and see there’s a big difference from moving in together compared to leaving a country, there’s something definitely amiss with him.
If he needs to sulk because of fallout with his Dad, that’s one thing, but what’s stopping him from staying in the UK? Just because he’s had the fallout doesn’t mean you should prove your loyalty by joining him, get drawn into his battles or adopt his method of running away from problems.
Take Care – CAA
A
female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 If this guy had a falling out with his father he is probably no thinking clearly about what he should do next and is trying to retreat. He needs to stay put (in the country), retreat a bit (emotionally) and clear his head way before worrying about hightailing it back to OZ.
I can tell you now that if you are not 100% into a move that far then the chances are that you will not enjoy it even when you get there - you have to be ready for it.
I moved to the U.S from the U.K 5 years ago and it has been HARD WORK to start afresh and I do sometimes wish, with all honesty, that I hadn't moved but I am married with kids now and I am kinda stuck unless we all move back together - which is something my husband has considered for my sake because that is what you do in sane relationships - you work together.
Don't get yourself in too deep if you're not clear. It will lead to all sorts of resentment and the years you are away from family missing birthday after birthday can be lonely. It definitely isn't for everyone.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Gauntlet, although it's not comparable like moving from France to an Asian country, I did like you , I moved from a town in Northern Italy to Los Angeles, California and, believe me, it was a BIG step and a big adjustment, considering that there was NO Internet then, no low cost airfares, no cheap cell phone plans, and, at the time, even basically no expats in my predominantly Wasp environment.
But the difference was that I was EXCITED about going. I was worried, yes, - but I was also curious, thrilled, positive about the move and up to the challenge ( and if you say,pfui, what challenge.... I did not even have a driving licence yet, LOL- try living in LA with no driving licence and you tell me ). I always had wanted to visit California since when I was a child, ( too much Disney Club on television, I guess ) and now I had the chance to live there, and even if I knew I was going to miss my family friends and habits, - to me it was worth taking the risk.
But this OP does not WANT to leave, does not hear a little voice that says " Go go go ! ". She probably has never thought or desired to live in Australia , and is not particularly curious to find out how it is. Maybe the OP is just not an adventurous type, maybe at 21 she is still a bit of a mommy's or daddy's girl ( understandable ) and she does not feel ready to fly the coop so drastically . Maybe she is the type that loves but loves wisely, without being overrun by unbridled passions that make being close to her love object the ONLY thing in life. Maybe she wants to make sure that she can have a good or great career in another country, and not just have to rely upon the good graces of a RECENT beau.
I think that love conquers a lot of things, but it's not true that it conquers ALL. The only love that can last, is a love that is compatible with your inner world, with your true self, your authentic nature. If this girl feels that she would be forcing herself and making a too big sacrifice to follow Prince Charming ( who , btw, so far is not acting so charmingly, it seems ) - well, there's no Prince charming enough to make you give up your chances to live a happy and fulfilled live the way is right for you , in order to live HIS dream.
Of course, it all depends , this is not an encouragement to always stay put and get stuck in a groove. Au contraire, I feel that it is very important to cultivate resilience, flexibility , adaptability and an open mind. And if one is a timid / lazy tipe, to stretch out of their comfort zone. But up to a point- to the reasonable point where you don't feel you are making violence to yourself.
Guts are a rather reliable guide on that, and if your guts , OP, say " don't go "- then don't go. And do not feel bad for doing what feels best to you. HE is doing what feels best for HIM, isn't he ?
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A
male
reader, Gauntlet  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 For my part, I've "one day" decided to leave my country - France - for a whole new country: Japan. Nothing like being English (consequently speaking english) going to a CommonWealth country where everybody looks like you, and speaks your language.For sure, being so far from your country is a big challenge, but nowadays there are BAGS of means to stay in touch with ones friends for free. When I first went to Japan, internet was just at it's public beginning, and a minute of telephone costed an arm.By Jove, if this man is your prince charming, why hesitating ? Your REAL friends will still be your friends on the long term (but just "mates" will be lost, no doubt) and you will have many brand new friends there in Australia (where the sky is much more blue than in England, don't think it's a detail).On the other hand, if your friends seem more important than your lover, that's a severe bad sign...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): "When I told him I wasn't ready for such a huge step, he said if I wanted a future with him like I always tell him I do, it wouldn't matter where we were."So then why doesn't he stay in the UK with you??? Obviously, if it doesn't matter where you are, it doesn't matter where he is. And he moved in with you too, the same big step you took, so why is it wrong for you to expect him to stay in the UK? If I were you, I'd start looking for apartments in Haiti or Iran, tell him we're moving there, then give him the same idiotic argument he gave you.This guy is a pigheaded moron and a selfish control freak. Consider yourself lucky, because this side of him was going to come out eventually, and at least it's early enough in your relationship that you can easily move on with your life.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I would sadly let him go back to OZ and I would end the relationship with him. LDRs with no plan to end the distance do not work and you are too young to be tied to someone who you will see so infrequently (someone said it's a 12 hour trip by plane and that's a bit much for a long term LDR)
If you like him/love him and can bear to deal with seeing him now and again until you find your next true love, then by all means end it amicably and keep in touch and even see each other when he comes to visit where you are and maybe even go visit him once or twice to see if you like the place.
But the pressure he places on you is unreasonable. As much as I want to say GO for the adventure I know that at 21 there is NO way I could have left my family like he's demanding of you.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Wow. He doesn't get it does he? You're not talking about moving towns here - you're talking moving countries! I couldn't even imagine leaving my friends and family to move an hour away. He is being really bullheaded by the sound of it. Is he willing to be your all and everything in Australia until you make new friends? Or will he dump you in a corner and get on with a life he left years before? That said, it could be exciting prospect - a new country, a new career, but only if you were ready for it. Maybe you could consider an extended holiday in Aus with him, see if you like it and see if you like the way he acts once back on his stomping ground. But if you're really adamant you don't want to go and he does, then I guess you will have to consider breaking up. Good luck with whatever you choose.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 For him to presume that moving in with him is like moving to Australia is ridiculous to say the least. Living together
IS a big step but it doesn't mean that from THEN ON (from the time you move in) EVERYTHING is about being together forever. Life isn't that simple. For some it works out, for others it doesn't.
I think for him it might not feel like a big deal because he has already done it before, but for you? HUGE deal.
You two have ONLY been together a year. You have been living together less then 8 months and boom you should just pack up and go to Australia because he fell out with his dad? Can you imagine how it would go if you two didn't work out? He'd leave you high and dry - IN AUSTRALIA.
When I was 18 I spend a year working in London (about 1 1/2 flight from home) and it was great, it was my first time moving out from my parents house and being on my own. I did really well and honestly, I didn't want to go home when the year was over. But the year abroad was for me to decide what I wanted to do for Uni.
If you are not ready to make SUCH a big move, you are NOT ready. And if he can't accept that, then he isn't the right guy for you.
Now if moving there was something you wanted to do, looking into a job in Australia would be the next move. But I don't think you should just drop everything and move there with him.
How are you going to live? Where are you going to live?
Maybe him going back will put it into perspective. If he wants to make it work he will find a job and a place (not his mom's) and you can come visit so you can get an IDEA of what it's like there.
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female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (25 February 2014):
 oh ho!
He sounds like a bit of an arse to me. Why can't he stay in the UK for a bit longer, especially given how young you are and the fact you have only been together for a year, that is not very long in the scheme of things.
It all seems a bit odd, does he have baggage to do with his parents? His throwing a hissy fit and wanting to go home, NOW, and getting angry because you are not prepared to just toss it all and travel half way around the world at the drop of a hat suggests he is rather selfish.
Tell your best friend moving into a house with a man in the same country as your family and friends after a mere four months is a total different story to moving half way around the world to a different country after a mere year.
What's wrong with him moving back to Oz and you visiting at some stage after a month or two to see if you like it? Why does it have to be all or nothing with him, and his way or no way.
I think you have dodged a bullet, let him return to Australia, have a good cry and then get back on with your life.
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A
male
reader, devont +, writes (25 February 2014):
 You need to tell him how you feel.If you want to be be together, one of you is going to have to make a very big sacrifice... Why has the fallout with his father happened if he is not living with him, but living with you? Would you be able to support yourself in Australia? Would you be able to get a job? We must have very different personalities, because personally, if I had an offer like that when I was 21, I would just go. I would save up enough so that I had a few £k stashed away in case I needed to come back suddenly. You only live once and if he is the man of your dreams, this isn't about blindly following him, this is about the two of you making a life together. If you don't want to go, is part of that is about him? You know it is very fast moving and if you did break up... then you would be very alone on the opposite side of the world to your friends and family. If you really want to be with him, you need to talk this through very carefully and calmly with him. Discuss how much you would be giving up and be honest in that you don't want to go just now, but may in the future... But I think as hard as it might be, you may just need to let him go. I hope it all works out for you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): How presumptous of him to expect you to go with him. It's 12-hours-away Australia that you've never considered moving to. You can't just up and leave because he had a fight with his father!
Besides, one could argue if he loved you he would stay with you. You would be the reason for his staying. After all, he already has a life here, whereas you have nothing in Aussie.
Let him go. He doesn't sound very understanding or emotionally mature.
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