A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Sorry guys not really a relationship question but here goes... I really could do with some help regarding my job. I work in london in a very busy office of around 300 people.I'm in a good job, well paid and stable. However I'm feeling really depressed as my manager bullies me every day. On a regular day she mocks me, tells me she's going to slap me (but tries to make light of this),makes fun out of me in front of everyone and likes to belittle me. The worst thing is that she has a lot of power as she is sleeping with the director of the company and this is who I'd go to with a grievance so i feel completely at a loss. Everyone in the company knows her lack of commitment to the job and that she is stealing a living but everyone is scared of her, scared to speak out and worried for their jobs. She comes in to work late, plays on her phone all day then leaves early- gets away with murder in plain sight of everyone. I feel at a dead end, I don't want to lose my job as I'm happy with everything apart from her behaviour. I'm holding my tongue as much as I can. What should I do? Should I quit or should I stick it out?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 February 2014): I was bullied at work by a bunch of women and a man. I even had a fleeting thought of suicide and jumping over a barrier to a concrete floor below on a walkway to work after a particular meeting. That thought still haunts me to this day how my mind worked.Going to HR didn't work in my company. One co-worker was bullied and he documented all the conversations and meeting with the bully. The co-worker went to HR with his complaints and they had a Come to Jesus meeting (no offense to others) with the bully too. Well, the bullied co-worker got laid off within a week. You see, the HR Dept. is there to protect the company from lawsuits and not to protect the employee. That is their role. Complaining can be futile unless you have hard evidence. I had hard evidence and went to HR. They sacked the male bully, but I was left with the female bullies and it was bad. They raided my work space, took shots of my computer screen, complained about me. It was bad. Anything to get me to quit. At that point I didn't care if I was working in fast food frying up hamburgers. I had a paper sack by my bed because I was so distraught and many times wanted to throw up or found myself hanging over the toilet. I finally got my old job back in a branch office away from the main office, but I took a huge cut in pay. It was worth it for my mental health.The benefits at the company were excellent and my husband had health issues and they had a good health plan and I had worked for the company for a very long time and had many years in with the company and with a pension plan so I stuck it out for those reasons only until one day the economy tanked and most of us were laid off.Now, I work for myself. Since it's only me and no employees I don't have to deal with the office politics and drama. I don't miss the corporate world one bit.You can either stand up to her like the other Aunts have said here or lay low and do your job and ignore her.It's up to you. Just beware that here in the US jobs are hard to come by from the weekly update of people filing unemployment claims. Seems like everyone will be out of work.Employers know this and can have us over the barrel in the regard in how they treat their employees.The thought of moving to Ireland where Cerebus lives has given me pause because they seem to treat their people better there than here currently in the US and Ireland seems to have a better health care system.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): Distract yourself and remember the old schoolyard days.
Bullies always meet their match!
Arrogant people who abuse authority meet their demise. Her nemesis will come out of nowhere. Sleeping with the boss lasts only until he finds someone prettier and younger. So count the days and your toes. She's on the fast-track to being fired. Just a matter of time. You will rejoice.
I'm gay, was not out at work. One of the directors suspected that I'm gay; because I had a partner for many years, and was never married. She tried all she could at every turn to undermine my work. My reviews were lack-luster.
I was very close to the President of the organization who had given me his endorsement for two promotions directly from the top. He stepped in, and wondered what suddenly happened?
She couldn't explain herself. Through some act of fate or whatever divine intervention; she had a blow-out with a colleague. It was most unprofessional. She was screaming and could be heard throughout the office.
She was institutionalized for nearly a month for anxiety and other issues. Her husband was cheating, and she got a lot of pressure from the top. When she came back. Her treatment completely changed, but I never took any crap from her thereafter.
I've decided to assert my authority when appropriate,and used my influence wherever needed. That's how I've survived. My work speaks for itself; and I refused to sign her performance reviews, and had them all retracted and re-evaluated.
Since, that company went out of business under scandal. Go figure!
So grow a tougher skin. Deal with it and keep up the good work. Things change over-time, and you can't be weak in the business-world. There is always a bully, only the strong survive. You don't take it personal, and you report offenses to ethics policies when you can. Affairs usually end badly. Wait and see!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): I've had people try that but I put them in their place pretty quickly. I fear no one and the financial safety net in my country means I wouldn't be screwed without a job for a month or two while I find another so I never had to tolerate shit from anyone.
First off I'm pretty quick witted and thick skinned. I'm not afraid of banter and can give as good as I get.
Depending on the context of her 'slap me' comment my reply would be either be "awesome, I love to be spanked you filthy mare, going to put me over your knee" or "I guess you mustn't like the shape your nose currently is then" but in a pseudo-jokingly way.
OP the old tricks still work with bullies. Bloody their nose and they'll find another "victim". Assert yourself to a bully and they'll most likely become your friend or someone who respects you.
Talk to others, OP. See how they view their treatment of them. Don't mention bullying or anything like that. I'm not accusing you of anything here, OP and I'm not criticising you but you need to find out whether you actually have a case for work place harassment or whether you're just being too sensitive. I have seen people not be able to handle an abrasive boss who is only really messing around. When it came to making a complaint about that boss they had no back up because they were one of the only ones who took that kind of thing personally. Of course they got on their high horse and claimed we were all just as bad or cowards, but they're the ones who had to move on and frankly the workplace was more fun without them constantly acting oppressed with no cause.
If you do have a case then you also need others on your side and advice on how to handle it. You probably have colleagues who are well able to handle her, so find out their tricks.
The next step then, OP, is to have a chat with her. A casual one, not an accusation, no threats, just tell her some of the ways she interacts with you make you a bit uncomfortable. It's not hard to get a boss to back off by having a reasonable discussion about being put on the spotlight. If you tell her you're not very fond of that then she'll more likely be more sensitive to you. Try not to be one of these people who is more oppressed by her inability to speak up to people than what the people are actually doing. You'd be surprised by how many people are so cowardly that they'd actually leave a job before actually bothering to try and resolve the issue, or go above the persons's head and make a formal complaint to let someone else deal with it, another coward's move which rarely works in their favour.
If you've spoken to her reasonably and nothing has changed then speak to her again in more assertive terms and tell her it's not happening. Oh and a nice little trick, OP, is to record your conversations with your phone in your pocket. You'd be surprised how hearing themselves back and knowing you have them saying nasty things can teach people a lesson.
No offence, OP, but don't be a pussy about this. There are plenty of easy ways to resolve this. The worst thing you can do is try and ignore it, let it continue and build or go over her head and make a complaint. There's no need to takes the coward's route here.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): I've always had bullying bosses until very recently, but this change is only because it's taken me about 10 years - yep 10 years - to almost complete one of the hardest career changes possible. I'd been brought up in a family that expected me to behave like a servant and I was a single parent. So, when I experienced bullying from bosses I told myself I had to accept it and was also TERRIFIED of the hold that they had over my life - if I lost my job for myself I couldn't have cared less, but if I lost it for the sake of my daughter then that really did feel like my own life was on the line - this terror has blighted my life and never quite left me. I think what made it worse for me was that I was in completely the wrong kind of job but due to the hours I had no choice but to stick at it because I could not have fitted in being a Mum with the hours of the kind of job that I wanted and would have been great at and now do.I am still working out with a counsellor why I allowed people to put me down - especially bosses - and the one thing that I wish I had done is WRITE DOWN every single little incident in which they bully you or manipulate you or take advantage of your lack of authority. I had one boss who literally stole my idea for improving company profits - at the time there was a reward scheme for this and my boss was absolutely loaded, I had nothing - the reward was only £500, but I had worked so hard on this particular project without even knowing that the reward scheme was in place. He didn't tell me about it but instead stole my idea and presented it to the chairman and got the reward. Had I written down all of my conversations with him about this I could have proven that it was my idea. As it was, all I had were notes about the actual money saving scheme, but I had not made them into a presentation because I did not know about the reward scheme, where you present an idea to the chairman. So I could not prove it was my idea and could not prove that he knew about it from me.Other things I wish I'd done were to stand up to him more. Not aggressively but assertively. I did this a few times but not enough. In our end of year appraisal he did nothing but negatively appraise me, when I'd worked like a dog all year and was absolutely worn out with the workload. So I waited until he finished and then asked for positive appraisal because he'd only given me negatives. He did look a bit taken aback, but he gave it. I honestly feel that because I was a single parent he KNEW he had power over me and he abused it. When I went for interviews for my next job I had difficulty getting one until one interviewer told me that she did not believe how much work I had actually done - ie. what was on my CV from that job was so enormous for so little pay that she simply thought I'd made it up. I had to actually delete some of my duties from my CV before I got another job!!!Bullying and manipulative bosses are everywhere in the workplace and not enough is done to control this or address it. There should be a national monitoring scheme set up I think, not just the usual 'tell your bosses' boss about it' - that often does not work at all because they simply don't want the hassle or could be friends with the boss.As a general rule, the more assertive you are the less chance you've got of being bullied BUT it is hard work learning to put assertive behaviours in place and this may stress you for a while until you get it, but don't give up, it is the best way forward.
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A
female
reader, Intrigued3000  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 I endured a bully like that for five years in one of my first jobs. He was my direct supervisor and he was a tyrant. I was sorry I did not stand up to him. Instead, I left a great paying job with benefits, because I was afraid of him. Subsequent to that job, I got another great job. This boss was also a tyrant. This time I stood up for myself. One day he tried to humiliate me with derisive comments in front of everyone else in a meeting. I looked him straight in the eye and defended myself. He never tried to pull that crap with me again. In fact, he was afraid to interact with me directly after that. In my experience, I've found that bullies hate confrontation. Now when I stood up to him, I really did not care a flying fig if I got fired. I was not afraid of the consequences of my actions. It's that lack of fear that terrifies them, because they feed off your fear. That's what gives them power. As a side note, I did not get fired. In fact, I worked there for several months and then left the job for a better opportunity.
Stick it out, but for your peace of mind and health, stand up to her. It will be one of the best things you can do for yourself.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Is it a branch office? If so, I would contact headquarters HR, but.. I would first get evidence of her attitude - if you have to - record her with your cell phone or get a voice activated recorder, take notes, find proof.
She sounds like a nightmare.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 February 2014): I've been in a similar position and it got to the stage where I no longer enjoyed my job. I just couldn't understand why no one stood up to this bully - in fact everyone pandered to her. The bosses were not about to fire her and it would have to be me that left. But I didn't want to be the one to give in, so I stuck it out. Her behaviour was the same as you are describing here and I really feel for you, because it can have an effect on your health. I had several confrontations with the bully and perhaps this is why she bullied me over anyone else - she saw me as a threat. She wasn't happy until she saw me lose my position. Luckily for me I fell pregnant and during my maternity leave she left. If you can stick it out stay, if your health is suffering start looking for another job. If you can lodge a complaint about her I'd do it, but it probably wouldn't do any good.
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