A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:So I guess there are two parts to this that need explained.First my job. I've been working in my job for a while now; it's a job in the intended career path I've chosen for myself (got a degree at university to do this line of work).I'm good at my job; I have been given a lot of praise for the level of work I've put in and for what I've achieved in the time I've been there. I've been given praise on being much better than people with far more expierence than me and I have created some projects that are widely used in the business every day. And I do work hard at my job; I had a crappy job prior to this one so it felt good to get this job.Now the other part. My Ex Girlfriend. I was in a relationship a couple of months ago; I'm not usually in relationships to be honest. I'm always one of those guys that his female friends tell him "oh you are so great; I don't know why you're single" but in the end I regularly get stood up or ignored.So this relationship when it lasted did mean a lot to me; not on the basis of my lack of relationships but because I just felt so comfortable in it; this was how I wanted to live my life. A sentance I've probably never used prior.But as you've figured I got dumped. She told me she didn't see me in a romantic way anymore. I was devestated to say the least.But that's life I guess; like I said I was devestated but I just kept going with my life because that's just what I had to do.So around a month or two after being dumped my boss pulls me aside at work. Gives me a print out of an email about the new starts coming in to work for a different department. And my exes name is on the list.So ultimately this is how I found out she got a job in my place; it seemed pretty insensitive that she didn't tell me. We weren't mad at each other after the break up (okay I probably was a little but never said it or showed any sign of it); so I was just baffled as to why she didn't let me know.So here's the thing about me; I'm a firm believe in the old "don't dip your pen in the company ink" because sometimes people can get attached emotionally and it can make work life harder. So I never ask anyone out that I work with; unfortunately I've gained the disadvantages of such a scenario despite avoiding it.My boss did say that if I had a problem with her being there something could be done. Now at the end of the relationship me and my ex had; she was in a job she hated and was struggling to find a new job. So though I didn't want her there; I thought saying anything that could stop her from getting the job or make her job harder would be a selfish thing to do. So I told my boss I was okay with it.So she came to work at the place after I told her how I found out to which she said she didn't tell me because she was nervous. And work life didn't seem the same for me. It felt like I was walking on egg shells at all times; I was worried of doing something or saying something that could embaress myself.I'll admit at times it was nice to have her there; I missed our conversations and it made me feel important; like I actually mattered to someone on an emotional level. But on the whole it always felt awkward to me and made me nervous.Now last week my boss pulled me aside again; this time to tell me that she was dating somebody in my department. This wasn't exactly news I wanted to hear; like I said earlier I didn't want that part of my life intertwinned with my work life and it didn't feel good knowing that while a couple of months ago I was the most important person in that building to her; now I'm nowhere close.We had a talk; I was angry and said some stupid things about quitting my job (the shock at the time really got to me). I apologised in the end of it and asked her if we could just keep our distance from each other for a while.So now I'm going to be working on my big project with her new boyfriend. A guy who has far more authority than me at work. I don't really want to; in fact I just want to keep my distance from the two of them and pretend they don't exist, but things outside of my control are kind of stopping that from being a reality.Is there anything rationally that I can do to improve this situation for me?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 February 2014): From what you've said so far, it doesn't seem like your ex is doing anything to get back at you, make you jealous, or make work unbearable for you. Be professional. "I'm always one of those guys that his female friends tell him "oh you are so great; I don't know why you're single" but in the end I regularly get stood up or ignored." "I missed our conversations and it made me feel important; like I actually mattered to someone on an emotional level." "I was worried of doing something or saying something that could embaress myself." "it didn't feel good knowing that while a couple of months ago I was the most important person in that building to her; now I'm nowhere close." All the above quotes led me to believe you're insecure and kind of self-pitying (sorry). Obviously, you're hurt over the breakup. Anyone would be and rightly so. But, I think you're putting pressure where there isn't. You don't really have much confidence and I kind of sense this "woe is me" attitude coming from you. Get rid of that. Don't drag yourself around. You and her didn't work out. She's pursuing her career and moving on with a new relationship. You should too, which I know sounds easier said than done because you're so self-conscious of having her around. Are you afraid her new boyfriend is going to push you around (since you're her ex) or are you simply angry you have to work under him? Unless your ex and her new boyfriend are actually out to make you miserable, you're just making life harder than it needs to be. Improve your situation by realizing that no one here is trying to make your life difficult. Be professional, meet new people, pursue a new romance, and be civil with your ex and her new boyfriend.
A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Hi, You need to put as much distance from the ex. Unless she is in your face then greet other wise don't go out of your way to be polite. You need to be professional with her new BF, yes it suck but if you don't you will risk your job and remember you studied and worked hard t get where you are and you don't need an ex or her BF to mess up your career. Remember this ex is not worth it, sounds like a social climber and will not stop irrespective of whose toes she tramps on the way.
I also suggest you start going out with friends and start enjoying your life, if you don't you will be trapped in the past. Its easier to move one when you surround yourself with friends. Also you should start dating casually no pressure, no commitment but just so you can move on. If you don't this work place will be your living hell as you don't want to let go the past.
I also hope that you did not support the ex being employed as an excuse that you could be close to her or the hope of reconciling. If you did, you are a long way from healing and you need to start taking steps to move on with your life. Don't let a past relationship ruin your career and any future happiness with another woman.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (25 February 2014):
 Yikes.
Well, I think you should have told your boss, she is my ex and I rather not work with her. Because you didn't it came back to bit you on the ass.
However, you CHOSE to take the high road and nothing wrong in that either. So my advice, don't BE there for her, don't HELP her unless you HAVE to, don't chat (polite hi and bye are fine) but minimize being around her.
Working with her new beau, well, do your best, don't discuss her. If he bring her up as a "topic" tell him you rather not discuss an ex. I don't think he will. BE professional. There is no knowing if she and new fella will last.
She used you once. As a boyfriend and then when she got the job you were her security blanket. And now that she has found a new man she no longer "needs" you around.
She really sound like she has no clue how bad she hurt you, BUT I also think you hid it well. She might not know that you feel used.
Go out with friend, take your mind of her.
And I agree with the sentiment don't crap where you eat (date in the work place).
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