A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I have been in a relationship my boyfriend for 2 years and have run into some problems. We have discussed our future many times, trying to sort things to make our relationship work into a marriage, but I have some issues with what he wants. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a pretty stubborn person, but I'm someone who knows what I want. My boyfriend has given into me before.. things such acknowledging my refusal to be engaged at this moment because we are still young and need to establish a stable professional life first. But the issues.. as silly as they are, can be quite serious to a couple. He wants me to change my last name to his. Now, of course, this is all very traditional... but I'm not talking about social names (such as one used in a .. say, church setting, Mrs. So-and-So), it's my PROFESSIONAL name that he wants me to change. We're both medical students, and I believe I will graduate before marriage and wish to keep my maiden name. But he says that I don't respect him and his family will object. (We're Asian) I wanted to compromise with my social name taking on his, and my keeping my maiden name as my professional one. Am I being selfish?The other issue is about children. I guess I will sound very selfish to say this, but I don't want kids. This isn't to say that children aren't precious and adorable, but I've always thought I'm not the mothering type, even though a lot of people say I'm great with children (as long as they're not my own). But think about it.. if we graduate, we'll both become doctors, which really doesn't leave much time for us to take care of any children, plus the medical school fees are so expensive that we'd probably have to spend the first 5 years out of school paying it off... which means there's not much left to raise a child in a comfortable household. I'm also a wuss in terms of pain and watching women give birth only confers that there is A LOT of pain to be had. Yes, I know that there will be a bundle of joy at the end, but I've also seen miscarriages and bundles of unfortunate circumstances. I don't mind a DINK (double income no kids) life, in fact, I find it extremely favourable; however, my boyfriend is the eldest in his family, and has a duty to carry on the family name. He wants children... we've left the topic for now, but I know this is a huge issue that needs to be sorted. Should I try to work out my fears and have children for him? I know one must sacrifice for love, but I don't want bring a child into the world if I am so against it. I believe it will affect him/her negatively. But if that's the case, should I let him go so that he can pursue his happiness elsewhere? (We actually talked about that, but he says he won't leave me and that's how the topic was left unsolved.) I want him to be happy.He's a very patient person, understanding and listens, however, when it comes to these issues, he won't budge. Maybe I'm being childish, but the issues mean a lot to me. I need some advice, general, maybe even personal stories that I can relate to. I don't want to be seen as a pushover (but I know I'm not with him), but his happiness is important to me as well. Am I being too selfish, thinking only of me?Sorry for the long post! Please advise! Thank you.
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male
reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 "(We're Asian) I wanted to compromise with my social name taking on his, and my keeping my maiden name as my professional one. Am I being selfish?"No your are not being selfish. Changing names would require time and some government approval. He shouldn't be adamant on this. This is a petty request. If he push the issue further, ask for a good reason. I bet his answer is way down petty."The other issue is about children. I guess I will sound very selfish to say this, but I don't want kids...... But if that's the case, should I let him go so that he can pursue his happiness elsewhere? (We actually talked about that, but he says he won't leave me and that's how the topic was left unsolved.) I want him to be happy."What is the reason to marry another person? To have kids and propagate. Couples can love each other even without marrying each other. But if the man wishes to have kids then you have a problem. This is a non negotiable item. Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie to have kids."Am I being too selfish, thinking only of me?"No, you are not being too selfish.You are well dedicated to your career. Like my aunt who was a head nurse in a hospital in California. She was so dedicated that when she passed away, most of her estate went to one of my cousins who acted as her trustee. What she worked for all her life went to the enjoyment and leisure of one selfish s.o.b. She could have a kid, to call her own but she didn't.Maybe you should think about how you would picture your life when you hit 60. Would it be different from my late aunt or somehow similar?
A
female
reader, Sangoma  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 COMMUNICATE and COMPROMISE. Big incomes are wonderful. You don't have to quit your career to raise a child. As for the surname, that is selfish of him. Your in a professional career, it normal to want ot kep your surname. Eish, talk, he gets the child, you keep the surname. All in the name of love.
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A
female
reader, Little Lisa  +, writes (3 January 2009):
Hello,
Sorry to hear you're in such a difficult situation.
I think the issue of name, is a relatively minor one. I have a friend who's a doctor of physics and so is her husband. While she's taken his name, she still uses her own for professional use. If nothing else it avoids confusion (it would become confusing when publishing papers etc, with them having the same title especially as both there first names start with J). I don't think it unreasonable for you to keep your name for professional use, after all it's a big thing you're doing changing your name for social. I'm not sure guys always realise how big this is, you've been one name for all your life, then your asked to change it, it's changing your identity.
The children issue is a different issue all together. If you really don't want kids, you shouldn't have them to please someone else. This would lead to disaster. You would end up resenting both your boyfriend and your children. Think long and hard about this, do you definately not want children. You only get one life, you need to lead it in a way that's right for you. If you decide no, you definatley don't want kids, then you have to let him go. This is a life changing issue and definately not something you can comprimise on. In the same way as you can't have children to please him, he can't give up his right to have children to please you. This is definately not something you can just leave. I know it's hard, but you need to let him go while you still have the chance of walking away as friends. Give you both the chance to meet someone who wants the same things out of life.
Good luck,
Lisa
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (3 January 2009):
This is the kind of issue that women have fought for years to get a choice in.
I have taken my husband's name on my bank account and socially but at work I still use my maiden name so I think that is a good compromise.
As for children, that is the kind of thing you need to sort out before marriage and it can be the kind of thing that makes you decide that you cannot be together.
As a professional woman I have no interest in children for many years to come, and I worry by the time I do want them that it will be too late. But I made this clear to my husband before we married and he agreed that Double Income No Kids is a good way to be and he has accepted that we may never have children.
If your husband wants a woman who will have children soon after marriage then he may have to sadly accept that you are not the woman he should marry.
Good Luck!! xx
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