A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 56 year old woman, divorced with 3 grown up children. I've been single for 15 years, having been married for nearly 20. I'm slim, attractive and look much younger than my years. I look after myself, dress fashionably, go to the gym regularly, and am lucky enough to have inherited my mother's good skin. Most people take me to be in my early 40s. Its usually only when the subject of children comes up and I tell them that mine are in their thirties that people realise how old I am and they are always shocked. I have friends, am outgoing, socialise and get a lot of attention from men. Although I enjoy my life, deep down I am lonely and would so love to find a soulmate to share my life with. Just this Christmas something happened to make me realise what I am doing which sabotages my chances of meeting that someone. The fact is that I am perfectly comfortable in the company of men who I don't find attractive, even if I know they are attracted to me. I can enjoy their company, even flirt with them or have a 'fling', or a short relationship; I've realised that this is because these men are no threat to me, or to my peace of mind. But when I find someone attractive then I find a reason not to like them, or not to spend time in their company. What I tend to do is make a friend of them while giving the impression that I just want to be mates, and I've even set them up with friends of mine. This Christmas I did it again, and for some reason the penny dropped that this is what I do, time and again. Growing up, I adored my father, but he had a violent temper and I was always afraid of him and was always scared of doing something to set him off. When I was 12 I was sexually abused by my uncle whose house I had been sent to stay in for a couple of months because my mum was ill. I never told anyone because I was so afraid my dad would kill him and would end up in jail and it would be my fault. My husband was a hard drinker and was violent to me psysically, emotionally and verbally. Basically, every man that I have truly loved has turned out to be not what I thought, and has hurt me. So now I don't trust men. If I like someone then although I don't consciously think it, I know now that I am afraid I will allow myself to trust him, even to love him, and he will turn out to be bad in some way, and will hurt me. As soon as I feel a connection, my walls go up around me, and I sabotage it to protect myself.The thing is, I've been doing it so long, and so successfully for so many years, I don't know how to be different.Do you think there is a way I can 'unlearn' these behaviours, or do I have to accept that I will have to remain single and make the best of that?Thanks for listening.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2009): Thanks for taking the time to answer. I know only too well i hae to let go of stuff I've been carrying around for too many years. Its knowing how to is the catch. At least I am now aware of what I am doing, and can start to try to lighten up. Thanks again and best wishes to all of you.
A
female
reader, Sangoma  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 Eish, eish, your problem problem is fear. You are scared of getting hurt. You have been hurt so much now you dont want to trust or let go of your feelings because you are so scared of the hurt. Eish, but there is no rose without a thorn. You have to concentrate to be more psoitive. Change yur thoughts about men. Not all men are eveil. Eish, you need to read bookd about letting go of your fear or see somebody to help you. the sangoma or a therapist. When you let go of the fear you will be free to love and be happy.
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A
male
reader, NITRAM BLUE  +, writes (3 January 2009):
 Do you think there is a way I can 'unlearn' these behaviours, or do I have to accept that I will have to remain single and make the best of that?
Do you really like to "unlearn" these behaviours which you have exercised for the past 15 years? Do you need to? This question is exclusively for you to answer and nobody is best suited to answer this but you.
Love has its risks. It always involves trusts. If you are about to embark on this arena, the Berlin Wall will have to come crashing down. Why not test him if he is trustworthy? Based on your experience, probably you could come up with something.
The best thing that I could recommend is to befriend first the guy of your liking before any kind of commitment of sort. If you like his company, go for it. Maybe little by little the protective screen you have built for 15 long years could somehow fade away. If not, then you got a smashing friend to accompany you on dates.
Being single is not bad at all. At least you do not experience the worries of trusting a man.
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