A
female
age
41-50,
*utterfly03
writes:Hi, I have just come out of a relationship and my man told me he wanted to be friends as he just isn't in the right head space for a relationship. He then said he wanted to get to know me more sexually. I asked if that meant friends with benefits, he said yes. I explained emotionally I couldn't do that as I have strong feelings for him. He texts me now and then but I really don't know where I stand. If I ask him he doesn't reply. What do I do I really don't understand what I've done wrong.
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friend with benefits, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Texting ? At 30-35 ?
My advice is to stay away from any adult who believes texting is a normal, acceptable way to communicate and socialize. It's not. Once you are over 18, text should be used for quick, practical stuff only. " Being 15 mins late ". " Pick you up at 7 " stuff like that.
People who keep it real and are serious about getting to know potential friends / dates / partners, will bother to drag their arse and meet you in person, and will MAKE time in their busy schedule for in person conversation.
If they don't, they are just shooting the breeze, killing time, and, of course , as you suspected ,playing the field and checking out as many options as humanly possible. But not to make an informed selection, just because they enjoy window-shopping.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): Butterfly, yes there will be responses from the negative and positive side point of views. Either way, we are here to support you . We know you are a strong person of character. We're just wanting only the best for you ....even if it may sound a little hard to take! : )
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): I am back to dating and certainly in no rush at all. Kinda stupid to what to say to men not into dating boys. Seem like they just ask do you do text, I say no i don't. Should I start to do this and hook up my old cell phone. I can't really afford it though. Is this some new way of dating over the phone or do they have such a busy life style they can't meet for coffee, or are they players, or married and maybe got more than one on the go? duh? Anyone got any suggestions for this old gal.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): I am back to dating and certainly in no rush at all. Kinda stupid to what to say to men not into dating boys. Seem like they just ask do you do text, I say no i don't. Should I start to do this and hook up my old cell phone. I can't really afford it though. Is this some new way of dating over the phone or do they have such a busy life style they can't meet for coffee, or are they players, or married and maybe got more than one on the go? duh? Anyone got any suggestions for this old gal.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Butterfly, time is the only healer unfortunately which is how I am getting myself through it too right now.
Like your guy, the one I was seeing said he wasn't sure what he wanted - so he used the word "casual" instead of FWB (rather clever eh), & suggested we be exclusive and let it take its own path and see where it leads.
At least you didnt fall hook line and sinker into it like I foolishly did. I take my hat off to you, and yes, youre right, you do have a back bone - I class myself as having one too, but I was taken in by the casual word - but I won't do it again.
Feel free to email me if you want to chat further, as I know just how you are feeling.
Take care x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2012): You've made the best choice and I think it's best to also ignore his texts and tell him not to contact you anymore, just move on from him completely- he led you on and he's made it clear you don't matter to him at all, what matters is his dick, unfortunately for him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Butterfly, I haven't read all of the responses but enough of them to see that most of us understand you've already declined him and have no intention of being used. It is wise choices like that and time that heal.
Just give it time is all.
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A
female
reader, Fate100percent +, writes (12 March 2012):
You've done nothing wrong. He did.
He shouldn't have got into a relationship with you in the first place if he wasn't sure it was what he wanted...(he should have mentioned straight away if he wasn't looking for something serious, then you would have had a choice to continue knowing you might get hurt, but he chose to lead you on there)
You know where you stand, he wants a FWB no hassle/nothing too serious 'relationship'. You don't.
I really don't think you can be friends with this man (at least not while you have strong feelings for him).
Cut the contact with him and let him go and see if life really is so great sleeping around with people he has no feelings for...(When he realises it isn't, hopefully you will have moved on to someone that DOES want a relationship with you and IS willing to work at it...You want/deserve more, DO NOT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS.
NC will also help you move on from him to.
xx
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (12 March 2012):
 You didn't do anything wrong, he might feel a little hurt on his ego... but that is on him. He took a chance and you shot him down. NOTHING wrong in saying no.
Obviously you know what you want and an FWB wasn't it.
Stick to your guns.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (12 March 2012):
 Butterfly: I think that you've missed an important detail. To wit: Part of your healing is for you to NOT be available for s*x with this guy!!! How much clearer can anybody make this to you?????
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A
female
reader, Butterfly03 +, writes (12 March 2012):
Butterfly03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to say I do have a back bone and I told him I couldn't do this so it shows I can't do it. I thought this site was for helpful advice not to be spiteful. I have self respect thank you and I was asking what I could do to help my healing process, not if I should sleep with him. Thanks anyway.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (11 March 2012):
HOw many different ways can we Agony Aunts and Uncles tell you that there is absolutely NO REASON why you should make yourself available as a "FWB" with this guy????.... and that you should tell him to "f*ck off" until/unless he becomes an adult??????
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): What a rat! You haven't done anything wrong it's him. Like the other posts say he just wants to have his cake and eat it. Next time he suggests it tell him you have way too much respect for yourself to lower yourself to his level and if he wants casual sex, there are plenty out there who will give it to him.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): "He texts me now and then but I really don't know where I stand. If I ask him he doesn't reply. What do I do I really don't understand what I've done wrong."
You do nothing because you've done nothing wrong.
Sounds like he wants to have frequent regular ongoing casual no-strings on-demand sex without obligation or commitment, making him a scumbag and a pig. Are you really willing to settle for so little rather than risk the prospect of going through life without access to a penis, no matter to whom it's attached?
Grow a backbone, muster up some self-respect and self-esteem, demonstrate good judgement and common sense, develop a moral compass and live by your morals, values and standards, nobody else's.
Be smart enough to recoginze a cretinous amoral lech when one crawls up from the sewer and out of the gutter in front of your eyes.
You can't be that desperate for a guy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (11 March 2012):
 You did nothing wrong.
Basically he wants to have sex with you without all the emotional work that goes into a relationship.
He's just NOT that into you sweetie.
At least he was honest about it.
Do not sleep with him.... and since you have very strong feelings for him, I suggest going NO CONTACT with him to help you heal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): He just wants a casual sexual relationship with you, given the chance. So you don't have to ask where you stand. He has told you. He is texting you on the off-chance that you might comply, not because he wants a relationship. So if you feel you could be hurt because you like him, simply don't reply, there's no point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 March 2012): Tell him that you will not be "friends with benefits" (stupid term) and you're not interested in sleeping with him without being in a real relationship.
FWB is the worst thing that a woman get get herself involved in. Be strong and don' let him sweet talk you. He basically just wants to use your body. How insulting is that?
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A
female
reader, Butterfly03 +, writes (11 March 2012):
Butterfly03 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your replies you have made me see what I already knew but didn't want to admit. Thanks again x
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (11 March 2012):
Basically, what he is wanting you to do is provide him with sex and keep you as a back up whilst he sources something better. I have lost count how many times I have heard a man say he isn't ready for a relationship, but happy to have sex with a woman, and low and behold, before you know it, he is in a relationship!
Seriously, don't go there, retain some pride and dignity and let him satisfy his own needs rather than doing it at your expense.
Finally, please don't fool yourself into thinking that you can perhaps cope with the FWB relationship, because like you say "I don't think I can do that"... well believe me, you really won't be able to do it and will end up getting hurt. Also, don't think that he may change his mind eventually and want a relationship whilst hanging out as a FWB, because that is unlikely to happen either. Can you tell that I have been there too? Yes, I fooled myself into thinking I could do it, that he would eventually want a relationship with me - I have learnt the hard way!
Tell him to go take a hike!! You are worth more than that girl!!
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (11 March 2012):
You're single and he's made it clear he doesn't want a relationship. Just the benefits. That's where you stand.
It doesn't mean you've done anything wrong, so please don't jump to that conclusion. It just means he wants to be free to do his own thing, including other women, while still enjoying the sex, the security and companionship of having you in his life.
If that isn't something you want, and you've made it clear it isn't, then I suggest, for your own well being that you sever ties with him. He knows how you feel about him, but he doesn't feel the same way (based on his actions) so that makes you vunerable to exploitation.
He's made the choice that works for him. Now you make the one that works for you (and nevermind how he feels about it).
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