A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Boyfriend is going clubbing....i'm stuck at home. I was wondering if someone could give me some advice please. I have been with my bf for about 7 months. He use to be quite controlling and wouldn't let me speak to my mates let alone see them, we are going to counselling to help with his controlling and posessive behaviour and things are slowly improving, however, now i think cos he was doing that for so long it's rubbing off on me. He has been out clubbing 3 times within the last couple of months, all of which he say's he has been forced/obligated to go and they have always been last minute so i never have time to plan things with my mates and i end up being left at home on my own. I know he wont cheat on me its rather that he is out having a laugh with his mates while i'm stuk in doors and then for the next few days he's so tired from going clubbing we don't do anything. When he has gone out i get really angry and resentful and feel like all that time i couldn't see my mates cos of him and yet he's been out 3 times and is going out again tomorrow when i thought it was to just watch boxing now it's clubbing and boxing and i get a horrible sick feeling in my stomach and end up being really offish with him for days. I know everyone has the right to do what they want and i would never stop him from going out or seeing his mates but it really annoys me cos he would always be able to find something to do if i ever get to make plans with my mates and he will never have to experience the feeling of being left at home if i go out with my mates. He says he know's how it feels cos he has experienced it with his ex and i thought well thats nice to know you have experieced that emotion with an EX and not your current gf. I feel like io want to get back at him, which is a horrible thing to think. I know probably sounds like a pathetic problem but its really bothering me. If someone could make head or tail of my feelings i would appreciate some feedback. Thank you.
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female
reader, YummyMummy +, writes (27 June 2007):
 First of all you have noticed that you have started acting the same way. After being treated the same way for so long it becomes to easy to become the product of the life around us.
Are you getting counselling too? I was abused as a child and my one fear in life is becoming like my abuser.
Can you not awk to go along clubbing once every so often? Or why not have a girly night with some wine while he is out? It'll keep your mind occupied while he is out.
You need to chat with your guy about how you are feeling. How you want to be included in his plans a little more.
xxxxxx
A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (22 June 2007):
 I am sure you know your relationship is not healthy and I am glad that your partner is getting help for his control issues. I do, however, think that you are very dependent on him from what you write. Maybe he likes it that way but it is up to you to change as much as him. You feel you are left home alone, whereas other people might see that as an opportunity to spend time by yourself pursuing your own interests on your own. I personally love me-time without the distractions of others - I look on it as selfish indulgence. I mean take up a sport, hobby or something that interests you and make the most of your time. He shouldn't tell you not to see your friends as much as you shouldn't let him tell you not to see your friends. If he is laying down inflexible rules in the relationship based on trivial matters it is a very bad sign of trouble ahead. Domestic violence often starts with such behaviour. However, the key to this is to not passively accept what he tells you to do but, instead, to do what you want (within reason).
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A
female
reader, shortybabes +, writes (22 June 2007):
 hey hunni, just remember you also have the right to go out and have a laugh just as much as he does. ok love!
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A
female
reader, Artemesian  +, writes (22 June 2007):
 It's pretty simple really - if he can go out whenever he feels like it with his friends why can't you see yours? Thats double standards on his part and much to controlling over you. If he feels threatened by your friends in some way (like they might turn you against him - with good reason now) then he needs to get a taste of his own medicine. Hope you can work things out to be more equal for both of you - just like you don't want to make him lose his friends there is no excuse or reason why he should be able to make the case with you. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCounselling has sort of helped him, he says he doesn't mind me seeing my mates but i don't know how'd he react if i did cos ive not done it yet. thing that gets me is that he always decides to see his friends last minuite which means my mates have usually already got things planned, i get so annoyed with him, i can stay angry at him for days and like i said i dont think he would cheat on me, its more hes out having a laugh and im stuck in doors cos all that time when he was being controlling i couldnt speak to my mates, let alone see them. I'm not sure who im mad at sometimes, him for doing what he has done to me and then going out or me for letting my feelings of resentment, anger get to me. I wish i could just have a more of a not bothered attitute to him going out.
all sounds daft of me i know but im totally confused, but he is going out again tomorrow night and alll ive done is think about it and the more i do the more wound up i get.
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A
female
reader, shortybabes +, writes (22 June 2007):
Hi hunni, next time he goes out just ring a friend and go out yourself. A relationship shouldn't be like this at all babe, both of you should be able to go out not just one of you.At the moment this is a one way relationship but it should be a two way relationship, if he doesn't like it when you go out with your friends then he ain't worth your time.I know it sounds harsh but it's true, not all guys are controlling.
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