A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am in a huge sexual rut with my boyfriend. we were each other's firsts and we didn't know what we were doing so we just started with toys. it was a big mistake. that was 5 yr ago. now i don't want to do toys, cause i feel like it's getting in the way of there actually being intimate. the problem is he is REALLY bad at pleasuring me. I try to tell him, this is how I masturbate, this is how things feel good, this is the pattern your finger should be doing, you should put your finger here cause i like that, and everytime it's like he hasn't retained anything and we have to start all over again. i have a really hard time warming up to all these touches, and sit there in silence and ultimately, bitterness, for like 10 minutes before he gets the ball rolling in the right direction. I know you're thinking, why aren't you communicating more. It's because otherwise i'd literally be correcting every move. I just told him to stop oral and then he was too offended to have sex with me. i have tried repositioning his finger to how i like it on my clit and it doesn't work, his finger is too large and clumsy, like i just use the tip of my small index finger, and his finger is like twice as large as mine. doubly problematic is that I know at least part of it is a psychological block because the toys don't work when they do when it's just me. we've TRIED experimenting (new positions, different touches, ME touching only) and it's all failing. i don't want this to break us up but i'm running out of suggestions. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey guys, update
Recently things seemed to have suddenly turned around! I think in part there's been a little give on both sides. I realized that I was being such a control freak that by analyzing each stroke I had limited his movement to the point of actually restricting his ability to pleasure me. one day he was like, i'm going to try something you haven't liked in the past, just tell me to back off if it doesn't work, and it was a lot more on point. I can tell he enjoys the freedom more and what he's been doing has actually been more effective. and just randomly today he stroked me in a way that he never had before, and I was like, THAT will work, whatever that is, write it down in your book, that's the finger move you need to know, so I feel like we've made some ground. Thanks for your support!
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Have you tried showing him? I mean, masturbate while he watches intently. Tell him what you're doing as you go.
I see both positives and negatives. It's good that you're communicating. It's bad that he's not remembering. It's good that you're trying different things. It's bad that none of them are working.
I think you may have a mental block up. You've just been frustrated for so long that even if he did it right, it wouldn't work. That's because arrousal is as much mental as it is physical.
I think honesty is your best bet. It's not going to be an easy conversation, and I doubt there's a way to do it without hurting him a little, but it NEEDS to be done.
Here's an example of a way I think you can approach this without making it worse than it has to be. "Honey, we have to talk. I'm getting really sexually frustrated. I've been trying to figure out a good way to talk to you about this, but I'm not sure if there is one. I just really love you, and I want our relationship to work. ALL of it, not just some. I need you to be more attentive to the directions I give you. It seems like you don't remember and I have to teach you each time. Is there a reason you're not remembering this? Is there something I can do that will help you more?"
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A
female
reader, JDinCali +, writes (18 February 2011):
 Seems like you've tried every which way to communicate to your man and honestly its hard to imagine he hasn't gotten it. Considering he got so offended when you asked him to stop doing oral, means he has little to no ability to receive constructive criticism. So, no wonder his tactics haven't changed because he still thinks he's good enough, considering the deed eventually gets done.
Instead of breaking up over it though. How about both of you go to a sex therapist? He's bound to realize the seriousness of this situation then. Maybe then he'll start listening to your needs.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2011): I would start all over with building up your emotional intimacy with romantic times. Start by just touching each other erotically, massages, then kissing and so on. No genital stimulation for a while. It does sound like there is a block because you can get yourself aroused with the toys but he can't. I think that is what you said. It sounds like you're angry with him also and you need to try not to be critical since he is going to be hurt by all of this.Maybe have him take a course in oral sex and go to sex therapy together if nothing else works.Good luck.
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