A
female
age
41-50,
*upidlover89
writes:Is it possible to be seeing a man who actually does not want to see you happy? I have been dating this man for awhile now who I believe is emotionally confused. We are not an "official" couple and he claims to not want to be one. However, he has asked me if I was interested in meeting and getting to know his family, and all of his friends know and speak about me even the ones I have not officially met yet. Sometimes I withdraw a little bit and show him a little cold shoulder, but it seems when I do that for a little he does something to upset me. Things will be going well and we are seemingly enjoying each other, and he will start to ignore my messages or be kind of cold for a few days. It does not last long but it seems he does it when I talk about some good plans I have coming up, being busy or maybe just doing my own thing. I don't talk about other men or play games and give him reasons to think I might be seeing another man. Can someone please help me crack some of these strange behaviors? Again he has stressed the no relationship thing to me, and I can go either way relationship or no relationship. I just need to know which one? It is hard to get clarity from him. Please help? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Yes, I think responsibility is the correct word. It is your responsibility to stop someone from treating you this way. If it means leaving, then that is what it means.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 October 2012):
 Substitute " fault " with "responsibility", and see if it sounds more acceptable and empowering.
It is your responsibility , if you want to be in a committed relationship, not to remain in an uncommitted one.
It is your responsibility to make your own choises and not just meekly go along with what a man chooses for you.
It is your responsibility, if your current situation gives you pain or anxiety , to extricate yourself from it.
This, in case you don't like the status quo, if you do , then everything is fine and you can disregard our input . But if you were perfectly OK with he status quo... I doubt you would have written to Dear Cupid.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2012): OP how can you have self-confidence when you allow a situation like this to continue?
I wouldn't feel very confident if I allowed someone have so much power over me, to be in complete control and pretty much using me.
Sorry to be harsh, but who's fault is it that you find yourself in this situation? It's not our fault and frankly he's just being him, a and has told you time and again "no relationship. If you want your confidence back then take it back, tell him straight up you're done with this as it's going nowhere and he can't give you what you want.
One more time OP he does not want a relationship with you, he doesn't see you as a girlfriend, he doesn't have any real feelings for you, you're not the girl for him and he cannot make it any clearer to you. Who's fault is it that you refuse to believe that fact?
Walk away.
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female
reader, cupidlover89 +, writes (8 October 2012):
cupidlover89 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with all of these answers, but a lot of them still make me feel like its my fault and don't help with my self confidence.
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female
reader, Atsweet1 +, writes (8 October 2012):
 I have a homeboy like this of this persuasion. He doesnt want relationship but wants a friend with benefits. He wants to use for sex and to be his backbone when the other women toss them to the side. He wants all the benefits of girlfriend lover and ect without commitment. Then they get mad when you dont stroke there ego and please them and spend time with them. They act like you did something wrong when you ignore them as lover friends new. Also what makes it so bad is you be the one really down for them and not using them and they dont want you cause they dont have to chase you they got you so to speak. Until you totally move on like I do. Some men want to be wanted by many and want many or none. Some want to be needed by many and are needy of many women.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Because it's hard to believe why a man would subtly tell a woman, "hey you are not long term material, but you are good enough to be my show girlfriend for now." No woman likes to think that she is being used, and it's a more pleasant thing to believe he's just confused. There are many shades of gray in between friends and benefits to a full blown relationship. Even in married couples, if one spouse goes hot and cold, I still won't consider it a relationship. It's only real when both people are dedicated to each other even when the woman has pms or the man is stressed out at work. Remember, whenever a man says he doesn't want a relationship, it ends right there. He says this as a disclaimer while he tempts you with goods but with no refund policy. There are things that men say to bait a woman into staying: Meet my family, I want babies some day, one day I want a house with 5 acres, etc. He knows that these are trigger words that make a woman think he does want a relationship.
When you deal with men like this, look at him as a hyped up product selling himself online. Like when you see something with "warning of side effects," "for entertainment purposes only," then don't buy them. For all that I concern, whenever a man says he doesn't want a relationship, he automatically loses my respect and therefore no friendship either.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): "I have been dating this man for awhile now who I believe is emotionally confused."
He's not confused in the slightest OP, you're the one who's confused. He doesn't want you as a girlfriend, he doesn't see you as relationship material he just wants all the benefits of that while also holding all of the power in the "relationship" because he can drop you like a bad habit at the drop of a hat. That means he has complete control over you, think I'm wrong, then why are you still dancing to his tune?
He has everything he wants here and you're only getting the idea of a relationship but not the real thing. I disagree with the others though OP he's not stringing you along. He's made his position on this completely clear to you, you're the one taking things the wrong way. He told you what you mean to him and with that he gave you the choice to go elsewhere to get what you want or to just play along with him still safe in the knowledge it will never be anything more.
I don't see how you're confused to be honest. It's quite simple and I'll never get why people don't listen to what people say when they say they don#t want a relationship. If you agree to those terms then anything goes after that and we can act however we like safe ion the knowledge to agreed to that.
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female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (8 October 2012):
It's possible that you won't get hurt, but I don't see what you are gaining by continuing to seeing him. Maybe he is showing you off to family members to silence them because they keep on pestering him to find a girlfriend. Secretly he may never want a relationship at all. It's possible to shield yourself and not feel for him, but for what reason? Just so you won't hear him say, "I already said I don't want a relationship" and feel stupid? Maybe you will feel stronger than the average woman who will get angry and complain, but for me this is a totally unecessary exercise/test, a waste of time.
Are you also seeing him until you can find a man who does make you happy? Once you know that there are enough men who want to be in mature relationships he and his family will slowly disappear in the background, and you will see no point in filling the time like what he's doing.
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female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (8 October 2012):
So, you hang out, you enjoy each other, he will introduce you to friends and family. It sort of looks like a r/ship,... there is just something missing for it to be one.... exclusivity.
If he is adamant in saying " I don't want a relationship " yet spends all his time with you,... it means that he likes you , yes, but as a temporary, non exclusive solution. You are a plesant way to kill time until he has not found yet someone " better " and established a solid r/ ship with her.
He may not be actively pursuing other girls right now ( then again, he might be and this would explain his sudden vanishing acts ) , but , he does not want to commit to NOT pursue them if the occasion falls in his lap.
He is keeping his options open. You are quite OK for now... that does not mean there could not be dozens of other women as OK as you or more, and he does not want to miss out.
And the funny thing is that when this happens, technically you will not be entitled to protest,get sad or get mad. Because, hey, we are not in a relationship , you know it !
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female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (8 October 2012):
Please leave him. I went through this with my ex. We were together 7 years and everything was wonderful. Then all of a sudden he tells me that he just wants to be friends. I tried that for awhile and decided I couldn't do it. I was still in love with him, but what's worse is that he continued to give me those "I want you" looks, say sexual things to me, and act offended/hurt when I didn't have time for him (or would not give him my time).
Whether he is emotionally confused or not, I do not know. But I do know one thing...he is emotionally abusive and it will not stop until you put an end to it. I did this back and forth cold-shoulder thing for 6 months before I couldn't take it anymore. I really felt like my ex *intended* to manipulate me. Like you said...he didn't want me with anyone else, but he didn't want me either...except when he did...if that makes sense. I went back and forth with him so many times and was so confused that the only way I could save myself was to get away from him. Please save yourself and leave.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): Tell him game playing is for kindergarten kids.. Not adults
First of think of what you want, do you want to be with this guy long term? If so have a n honest night, and just sit him down and say this what I would like, I've known you x amount of time and no need to play games..
I would like this relationship to go to this stage hopefully and wonder what your views are no this, be clear as well that if he wishes to remain friends then he cannot fallout with you over you being busy etc. he cannot demand what he has no right to..
Be clear be concise but be light too, it not an interrogation haha just a honest chat over so nice wine Eric..
Wishing you both the best
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female
reader, oldbag  +, writes (8 October 2012):
 Hi
If he doesn't want a relationship and you do, then its time to part ways. You could be stuck in this scenario for years then him go off with another woman and HAVE a relationship with her.
Its tiring all the game playing,long term,your an adult so you need an emotionally mature man who DOES know what he wants,who is happy to be in a grown up relationship with you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): "No relationship" means he has the option to date / sleep with other people and you have no "right" to be mad / upset. But of course, you will , because he is treating you like a girlfriend, but still has his escape clause.
Personally, I wouldn't stand for it. And his disappearing act. He's probably trying to date or is dating someone else and it doesn't work out. Or it's one date that goes no where.
If a man wants you, he will make sure you know it, and you are his girlfriend.
You should be dating other people. You don't have to talk about it in front of him, but protect yourself.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2012): There is no confusion here on his part. You are his friend with benefits. You're a friend, hence you meet his family/friends, but he also gets some intimate encounters on the side. No attachment on his part other than keeping you happy enough to keep stringing you along. It takes five minutes for him to meet another girl, an hour to have sex with someone else. Are you okay with him being with other women? Because he is. It sounds like you are more attached. Like I said, there is no confusion on his part, he knows exactly what he wants. A basic friendship and sex from you. It isn't anything more.
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