A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My partner said that he preferred his ex looks wise (she's real pretty) but prefers my personality ( he said she was a bitch and high maintenance). So I asked why he was with me and not her and He replied saying that She cheated on him and used him for money and although he loved her he had no choice but to leave her. He said he learnt from that mistake and decided to go for a girl that was much better in terms of personality than looks as she couldn't be high maintenance because she didn't have the looks to get away with bad manners/behaviour. I am not sure if I should be insulted? On the one hand he loves my personality, loves hanging out with me but on the other he doesn't feel the need to treat me like a princess (no gifts, no meals, etc I have to pay for my own cinema tickets and meals if we go out) because I don't have the looks. This is what he actaully said but in a really nice way. Thanks for your replies.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): i think that if you really love someone then they will be attractive to you no matter how they look. if he is more attracted to your personality but not totally compatible physically i think you would be better off as friends.
i hope i can help you a bit by sharing my personal experience: i used to be in a steady relationship with a guy that i was compatible (more or less) personality-wise but for him, i was the opposite of his "fantasy" girl (im a small brunette Mediterranean type where as he was more for the tall blonde Swedish girl)
now i am in a steady relationship with a guy who loves my personality and looks so dont settle for anything less than you deserve, because i am sure there are guys out there who will appreciate you the way you are (in and out) and would like to treat you like a princess.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Did I hear someone mention dirt? O.o
This guy is a shallow jerk. Really? You deserve to be treated BETTER than he treated blondie because you're the better person according to him. I'm reminded of a song...
"you're so beautiful, you could be a waitress.
You're so beautiful, you could be and air hostess in the 60's.
You're so beautiful, You could be a part... time... model"
Flight of the conchords if you want to hear it. Insults said in a nice way are still insults. If he can't see what he said to you wasn't an insult, then he's blind.
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A
female
reader, Viv Acious +, writes (10 November 2010):
I have to say that my jaw hit the floor when I read what he said to you. Regardless of the 'nice' way he has said it, it is really inpleasant to hear.
First of all, I am sure you a very attractive woman (and please do not start comparing and contrasting yourself to an ex. This is the path to low self-esteem and fights).
The fact of the matter is this, he has given you a crystal clear insight into his thinking and his decision making. How you process this information, is up to you. It is not necessarily a deal breaker, but it gives you an insight into his thoughts.
According to him, his last girlfriend acted in a spoilt and demanding way and he tolerated it - for a while - why? Because she was very physically attractive to him. He finally stopped it because she cheated on him. His mind then went through a warped process that equates 'good looks' with bad behaviour. His thinking then decided it was down to her looks that allowed her to act badly. NO, my dear - it is down to shallow men who will tolerate bad manners for the sake of their little head ruling their big head.
From this, he then decided that purposefully choosing someone who was a 'less-risky investment' was the only way forward. In his mind, this is someone who he thinks will not be so attractive to other men.
Also, he has also decided that he will not part with money because his ex used him for money. So, you are being punished for this behaviour. Surely, if you are in relationship, you take him out, he takes you out, you want to show love to someone with little gifts and surprises. This is normal. Not paying for you is a reaction against what happened to him before.
I don't know how well you two get on but if a boyfriend told me that I had a great personality but that, really in a nutshell, I was a 'low maintenance, less-risky investment', I would be hugely insulted. And the reason is this. Is he going out with you because he really, truely wants to or is he protecting himself against being hurt?
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best.xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): Hello everyone- I am the OP I should have signed up as I want all of you to know that I am thankful for the responses.
Just to clarify we talked about this when he mentioned that he made some mistakes in his past relationship and he has learnt from them. So I aksed him, what kind of mistakes.
When I first heard what he said, I was taken by surprise as I always thought myself to be pretty and I thought he did too. I wasn't that cut up about it though as I thought that everyone likes different things. I am a black woman and his ex was a pretty blonde girl who was a lot younger than him (he is in his mid 40's, she was 20 at the time, i am 25). I am and have always been known as the nice girl, the friendly, quiet type that no one dislikes.I am also very comfortable with how I look and do not feel the need to change.
I was however, taken aback by the fact that he implied that I do not desrve to be treated (once in a while) just because I don't have model good looks. Its been on my mind a while now and I just wanted some input as most of my friends have said that he was really cruel in what he said.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (10 November 2010):
 Did he just randomly say that his ex was hotter and you were nicer, or did it come up naturally in the conversation - like you asked, for instance?
If it's the former, it's insensitive in execution, but well-meaning. Think of it as a really clumsy attempt at a compliment.
If it's the latter, then it's just him being honest. Don't turn honesty into a trap, or it will hurt your relationship.
Keep in mind that in no case did he call you ugly. There are always hotter girls, no matter how good you are. And he is wise to choose a girl for her personality over her looks, in any event - few guys your age can really do that, even if they say they can.
In either case, he's likely suffered in the past for treating girls like princesses, and sworn off that behavior (I've done the same, with good results). It's not your looks, it's him. If you want to be treated better, he's going to have to be encouraged, and receieve immediate positive reinforcement for doing nice things - for example, if he buys your dinner, then immediately after leave the restaurant, hold onto his arm and lean your head on his shoulder. If he gets you a gift, give him a big kiss before you even open it.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (10 November 2010):
If I tell you in "a really nice way" that you're a bitch, would you take that well? I guess this guy thinks putting you down with a smile on his face is better than looking serious when doing it.
I especially don't like how he doesn't feel like pampering you because you "don't have the looks." WTF? So the pretty, but bitchy ex was worth treating like a princess because she looks good? That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard.
Also this: "...decided to go for a girl that was much better in terms of personality than looks as she couldn't be high maintenance because she didn't have the looks to get away with bad manners/behaviour." I'm sorry but it seems like he puts looks first and personality for him means finding a girl who doesn't complain at all.
I have a faint suspicion that his ex wasn't might not be so much a bitch, but rather a girl who was very clear about she wanted and didn't want and that he just couldn't handle a woman he couldn't boss around. Did she use him for money or did she expect him to treat her on something sometimes? It's hard to tell.
Like DrPsych said, it takes to to make and break a relationship, and his badmouthing her doesn't speak very highly of himself. Be careful and stand up more for yourself. You are beautiful in your own way and he should value you, not see you as a 'convenient choice.'
Yes, I would definitely be insulted.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 November 2010): He sounds pretty shallow to me. You should be with someone because you are attracted to them and like their personality. It's not a 'one or the other' thing.
Fair enough you pay for your own movie tickets etc, but come on. Those comments were a bit insensitive to you weren't they?
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (10 November 2010):
 If you really think that he treats you differently because he perceives you to be less attractive than his ex then you don't need him in your life. Frankly he will just wear down your self esteem and you could with a man who thinks you look fabulous just the way you are. It is sometimes telling when someone talks badly about an ex. After all, it takes two people to make a relationship turn bad and that points to him having a role in its demise. If he talks badly about her, he will do the same to you if the relationship turns sour. It sounds as if there are cracks emerging in the big romance already. It is very unkind of him to compare you to an ex, even if he doesn't mean to hurt your feelings. Many women are sensitive about the way they look. Be careful with this man!
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