A
female
age
41-50,
*rkAngel18
writes:I have been with my boyfriend now for almost 4 years. We don't live together (he just finished school, so that would be the next step for us very soon). I don't know if he is the one for me. My past has been the same thing with almost all of my ex's. They all (except 1) cheated on me and were jerks. And the same for him. All his ex's cheated on him. We are different though because I am able to let the past be the past and I don't hold it against him at all. However, I feel that he holds his past against me. My previous ex before my current boyfriend, was perfect for me personality wise. We were so much alike and had a lot of fun together (however, he cheated with numerous girls, lied, and even ignored me at certain points). However, I was so happy and in love with him. I was excited to be with him and to see him every chance I got. My current bf is wonderful. He would never ever cheat, he's honest, loving, and has a future ahead of him. He has plans of wanting kids, a house, getting married. I want all that, and I love being in a relationship where I'm not worried. Here's the "but"... I don't have that excitement with my bf. I never really had that "giddyness" I had with my ex before him. And although I don't have any concerns with cheating, lying, or any of that, we seem to have the same arguments over and over. He has issues with me going out and drinking with friends (he does not like the idea me going out and getting drunk with friends, even though I have never done anything wrong, we just go out to have fun, he says he trusts me, it's the guys he doesn't trust), he has checked my computer/phone before without me knowing (he has done this twice, it was a long time ago, but I have a little uncomfortableness about it still, i wonder if he'll ever do it again, though he says he wont), he doesn't really like my friends (I was in a sorority in college, he has a huge issue with it and can't get past the stereotypes about Greeks in general, even though I have repeatedly told him that not all sorority girls sleep around, especially me), and lastly, my biggest issue with him, is that he's always asking 20 questions. For instance, if I'm texting with someone on my phone, he always asks "Who's that?" or if I'm doing something on my computer, "What's that?" If I leave work late, it's "Why did you stay late?" Obviously I had work to do, he's even made the comment "Well as long as it's actually work" I felt like he was hinting at me flirting with another guy at work or something. He later took that back, but still. I feel like it's a trust issue and he has to know who I'm talking to and what's going on, like I'm messing around on him or something. He says he's just asking because I'm doing something and he just wanted to know why, what's holding my attention, or why my phone keeps going off. This is why I feel he holds his past against me, since all his ex's cheated, so will I. Some days I am happy with him and I think we'll be ok. Other days, I don't think we'll make it. I apologize for the length of this (it's hard to get out all details and be short). My question is, Is the personality differences that we have not enough? Is it too early in a relationship to not feel that "excited to see someone-want to be together as much as possible" feeling? I was so into my ex (before the lies/cheating). I just don't have that now. Any advice/opinion is greatly appreciated.
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female
reader, DrkAngel18 +, writes (10 November 2010):
DrkAngel18 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your input! I really do appreciate that.
We have talked about the trust issue, numerous times. He always ends up saying he does trust me, but then his actions show differently. He'll say I do trust you and I don't care that you go out with your friends. Then 4 months later something comes up and I'll go out with my friends, he goes back into "Well this could happen" or "that could happen." Yet, he still says he trusts me. The thing is, my past is extremely similar, but I don't take it out on him. It wouldn't be fair to him if I did that, and I don't think it's fair to me that I have to live in the shadows of his ex's and what they did. I do love my boyfriend, but I wish there were an easier way of knowing if that is enough. Some days I feel like I'm just settling. we have the love and a common ground for the future (such as we both want the house, family, etc) but personality-wise, we really clash on certain things.
A
male
reader, LovelessAct1 +, writes (10 November 2010):
Well it sounds to me like you should be able to relate with his trust issues. You said that all of his ex's cheated on him, doesn't that hint at a bit of a foundation for these problems?
You really have to look at the bigger picture. Though you may still love your ex, your ex did not love you (or else he wouldn't have slept around, its plain and simple) This current guy really cares for you, but when he isn't around you, I'm sure he gets nervous he's going to lose you, especially since its happened in the past with his other GF's.
Talk to him. Communicate. Express your concern for his trust issues but help find a solution for them together.
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