A
female
age
36-40,
*hefwhitney
writes:I was always desperate for love and to be loved. I met a guy at work and at first he wasn't my type and way too old (Im 24 he's 38), my family woudln't accept him. So I eventually (being nice) got to know him and started to develop feelings for him. He fell in love with me and makes me feel special. We eventually got closer and started messing around.(no sex..I was a virgin) we had talked several times about how I wasn't ready to have sex and he kept reassuring me that he wouldn't take my virginity. Eventually we were fooling around one night and he penetrated me. I went along for a lil while then freaked out and was upset. I wasn't ready and didn't want to loose it to him. Since then we've talked and done it a couple more times. Every time I feel bad bc my mom still thinks I'm a virgin. Sometimes I regret that it happen this way but other times I'm glad that it happened and that I learned from it. It's a very complicated situation. He says he's in love and wants to marry me and all this crap but yet he puts me down when I socialize with other male co-workers. I don't mind being friends with him but I want him to stop pestering me and trying to make me feel guilty for not being with him.
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at work, co-worker, fell in love, puts me down Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): To the OP and other responders on this thread:
Please note that DC admin has removed the submission on this thread where the male anon referred to illegal activity.
DC discourages and will remove all and any types of advice submitted that makes reference to crime and violence. Sometimes, an oversight does happen and an answer, like this, will get on the site.
In the future, please help us keep DC a better, helpful place for it's readership, by letting me or the other moderators know, if you spot such crime related submissions. Thanks!
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 October 2010):
Whoever suggested that violence was needed needs professional help.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2010): No wonder the posting was ANONYMOUS from this MALE. It should be removed from the site. He's actively supporting VIOLENCE against the man in the original posters question.
" I hope you had a dad/brother/sister who can inflict some violence on him."
" You losing your virginity this way (bordering on rape) "
" He is the sort of guy who would beat you."
HAS HE ACTUALLY READ THE POST???? I cannot believe this man is suggesting rape or suggesting her family should inflict violence on someone - it is appalling!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Reading your post, the first thing I note, you say, you're desperate for love and to be loved, you then say, you met a guy at work who wasn't really your type, plus he was too old for you, but in brackets state (being nice)you got to know him, and then developed feelings for him. Firstly, it doesn't make you NICE for getting to know a guy who you don't really feel is the right for you, it merely makes you LESS able to SAY NO, and wait for the right type of guy, and say YES.
So basically you have gone out with a guy who YOU say yourself, you both got close, you talked several times about how you weren't ready for sex, even fooled around a bit, but he did NOT press you for sex, then the fooling around gets more frequent - He's fallen in love with you, and makes you feel special ( your words)and then one night you are fooling around physically, he penetrates you, then YOU freak out (your words) after a he's already been INSIDE you for a while. Up to this point, I have NOT seen anywhere in your posting that you have said this guy FORCED himself upon you, and to penetrate you, you must have been receptive to this, as you don't state otherwise.
I'm being direct here, as there seems to be a tendency for females to be emotive OVER issues of men forcing themselves on another female, and QUITE RIGHTLY SO, but this is NOT what I'm reading here.
If you weren't READY and didn't want to LOSE your VIRGINITY TO HIM..then WHY were you putting yourself and HIM in a position that even the most decent of men would find difficult emotionally and physically. As I'm presuming you were somewhere where you part or fully naked when this took place. It appears to me, this guy has NEVER been the right guy, he's become involved with you far more than you have with him, you've ended up having sex with your permission, but then half-way through felt this is NOT the one you wanted to lose your virginity to.
That is NOT this guys fault..nor should he be made to look as though he has put pressure on you, as the last part of your posting is demonstrating clearly, YOU are just not into him. " He says he's in love and wants to marry me and all this crap but yet he puts me down when I socialize with other male co-workers. I don't mind being friends with him but I want him to stop pestering me and trying to make me feel guilty for not being with him." You call a man who's fallen in love you who would like to marry you ( all this crap) who puts you down when you socialize with other male co-workers, no mention here of mixed groups, just MALE co-workers, well I wonder if he's putting you down, but you don't say what form this takes, so is he really putting you down, or as I suspect just FEELING you are NOT into him, and showing some insecurities and jealousy.
Then you say, you don't mind being FRIENDS with him, and all this is after several weeks of getting close, and having sex with him. Now if this was a GUY posting this question, most Agony Aunts/Uncles would be MORE than likely telling the guy, they had LEAD the person on. And as I always say, guys really get some bad press, and even though I'm female, and would be dead against any FORCING or PRESSURE for sex, I have NOT seen it here. And I'm logical enough to stand back and look at that.
You have made a mistake, he was never the right guy for you, and you got into this mess, because you were NOT direct with him, and say NO in the first place and not go out with him. So at least now be STRAIGHT and DIRECT with him that if you do not want to continue with a relationship, then tell him, NOT tell him you want to be friends, as that is not fair on him, as he's in love with you. May be in a few months time, that would be possible, but don't HIDE behind the friends option because it leaves him in limbo, which IF that is what you've done, it's no wonder he is still trying to get it back on track, or as he would like it.
I really hope some guys read this posting of yours, as it would be interesting to see IF they have seen what I have.
Don't MISLEAD HIM ANYMORE...let him go, and let this be a lesson, this is what happens when we don't take control, or SAY what we want or don't want right from the start.
Jilly
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): I kept looking at your age and if I where your parents I would be thinking your gay. I have no problem with being gay, but at 24 and worrying about your mother thinking your a virgin. Head scratcher here.
You should never play with others emotions, you should have back away or at least told the dude that he doesn't have a chance. These things hurts pretty bad regardless of his age. I f you couldn't handle it the time was in the beginning. Probably nothing wrong with the but a broken heart. He maybe husband material problem is that he needs a woman and not a little girl worry about a virginity that she can never get back. One of the most hurt thing you can do to guy is to show tell him you regretted it any decect man would be hurt by that.
My advice is for you to get to know yourself and never get into a relationship you know you have doubts.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 October 2010):
 First, your virginity is yours to lose. You're old enough where your mom has no right to criticize you. If you feel you made a mistake in having sex with him, fine... but that's your mistake to make. Don't feel guilty or upset for doing it because of what other people may think, including your mother.
As far as this guy goes, don't let him pressure you into anything you don't want to do. It sounds like he might have preyed upon your inexperience, not just with sex but with relationships in general. And anybody who puts you down like you are saying he does isn't husband material.
You lost your virginity, fine. As you said, it's a learning experience. I'd try keeping your distance from him for a while. You don't need to be in a serious relationship with a man that age anyway. Cool things off with him. My guess is he's probably the "bad" breakup type, meaning he could get nasty. If he does, then you get to see his personality for exactly what it is.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): Well, you are no longer a virgin, but you are not less because of that. Keep that in mind.
Secondly, "always desperate for love and to be loved", is an important statement.
Thirdly, "yet he puts me down when I socialize with other male co-workers", is a big red flag.
Please do yourself, and your future relationships a great favor and seek out counseling, work hard and long at understanding yourself, spill your guts in honesty to the counselor, and dig deep....there is a lot more where those two statements came from.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, mandee19 +, writes (15 October 2010):
If you don't love him then there's no point in staying together. If you can be friends without him bothering you, great, but if not, then you probably shouldn't be friends with him either.
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A
female
reader, monkey friend +, writes (15 October 2010):
First of all, what are we supposed to give you advice on?Secondly, the man is 38 means there is a 12 year difference, which is rather big if you ask me. You had sex with a man 12 years older, wow. You already lost your virginity so don't bother focusing on that as you will never get it back. (I'm the type of girl who believes us girls should wait for that special someone, marry him, then have him take away that part of us.)Now, for hte relationship. It all depends on your feelings. If you have no feelings for him, then break-up. If you both really and truly love each other, then continue the relationship and see where it goes (don't worry about what your family will think). Secondly, he may be worried about you socializing with other guys because he considers you to be his and he doesn't want another guy to take you away from him. BUT, I would be worried if he tries to hurt your feelings or calls you any names for it. I don't know what "he puts me down" means.
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