A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have a problem, i had lost my virginity a few years ago which was the biggest mistake of my life well i hadnt let my self date since then nine months ago i met my current bf i had told him everything that i had been through since he was still a virgin i wanted to be honest if anything ever happened between us..... Well weve been together for nine months And we are sexually active... He admitted to me he sometimes thinks im a hoe cause i wasnt a virgin and he still hinks it that he wishes i never would of done it and so that now we wouldnt be having sex... What should i do part of me wants to break off he relationship because of what he thinks of me the other part doesnt because i love him what do i do????
View related questions:
lost my virginity, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Jonas said, "If he really loves you, he wouldn't be holding it against you."
There is a name for this. It's called emotional blackmail.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): I am always interested in how differently men and women respond to these issues. Women all think it's no big deal. Men often have a different opinion. As a man who remained a virgin until I met my wife, I had enough self-control to keep it in my pants. She didn't have as much self-control, despite the fact that she was raised Catholic and taught pre-marital sex is wrong. She not only had sex in the context of long-term relationships, but she also had one night stands, flings, friends-with-benefits, etc. I thought I knew how many lovers she had, but I thought they were boyfriends. In reality, she fibbed a little on the number and omitted the guys that she screwed around with but that did not penetrate her with their penis. Only later did I find out that most of the sex was also meaningless. I think one thing I would be curious to know is the context you lost your virginity. If it was to a man you loved deeply and dated a long time I would be more understanding than if it was a drunken one night stand.I agree with the comment that you have to go out of your way to make him feel special. Tell him that you made a big mistake and regret it, but that you cannot undo the past. Tell him that you wish you were his first, but want to be his last. Work with him on this, but be firm that under no circumstances should he call you names. Ask him how many other virgins does he think he is going to find out there at your age if he leaves you? He's doing pretty well all things considered and he should count his blessings. If you really think this relationship might lead to marriage, I suggest counseling. This sort of thing plagued my relationship for years.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): You did the right thing by not lying about your sexual past something these women could use a lesson in. Look your boyfriend was a virgin you were not.HE FEELS CHEATED, BIG TIME.He waited so long for someone special and when he found that someone special they gave their first away to someone else so he really feels cheated out of something important.He's not immature, he's normal NORMAL got it. He is experiencing retrospective jealousy so you have two choices end it now or put the effort it to make him realise you are special to him.Take him out to special places, dates weekends away at the beach or an amusement park, buy him flowers and kiss him and kiss him often and lot not a ow hi kiss more oh god I missed/want you kiss.Make him feel special! This will require work from your end but you will do it if he is worth it to you.Again MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL!
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (6 July 2011):
 Whatever, the bottom line is that he doesn't truly respect you and no relationship is a good one when the participants do not respect each other. I'd move on if I were you, this will never get any better.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2011): Spunky Monkey said: "Yes he is Immature, and i for one am glad I don't hold his belief system, and nor do i ever want to understand it. A belief system that thinks that it's okay to call a so called girlfriend a whore who confided and told the truth about not been a virgin."So you have decided that he is immature because he doesn't hold your belief system. How mature is that? If deep down he really feels that she is a ho for what she has done, what do you expect him to do about that? Just keep his mouth shut forever? Is the only mature thing for him to do? Maybe that is how you think but that is not how most people (and professional therapists) think. Being in a "mature" adult relationship requires more than just telling your partner what they want to hear all the time. If he is having severe issues about this (and he clearly is) then part of being mature is letting her know what is going on that is tearing him up so much. He cannot let her know how he is feeling without telling her the bad stuff too. Admitting what kind of feelings are causing you pain is not the same thing as beating up your partner with those feelings unnecessarily.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): She ADMITTED to not been a virgin! so they both get a brownie point for that one.
Yes he is Immature, and i for one am glad I don't hold his belief system, and nor do i ever want to understand it. A belief system that thinks that it's okay to call a so called girlfriend a whore who confided and told the truth about not been a virgin.
I wonder what belief system this is....the same old rubbish no doubt.
spunky monkey
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): He ADMITTED to feeling this way?
Walking around bitching at you every day about your past is one thing. Respectfully ADMITTING to having bad feelings about it is something else entirely.
I think a lot of the other answers are missing this detail.
And don't listen to people calling him immature. He is NORMAL, especially for anyone who remained a virgin himself until much older than average. He only sounds "immature" to people with different belief systems who don't understand his.
...............................
A
female
reader, a_maldita  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 I think if he really loves you he should be willing to take and accept you as you are now.
It's important that you are with him and that you are faithful.
We can never change the past but I know we regret it's just that we can't do anything about it.
I hope you talk it our to him to let go and stop calling you names that would make you feel ashamed of what you did before.
Learn to stand up to him but if he refuses then it's time to let go..
Good Luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): I think your boyfriend sounds like a right dick...he needs to stop been pathetic and get a grip, and if i were you i would dump him for a real man who actually likes sex and likes sharing it with his woman...tell him to join a monestry or shut up and grow up. I seriously could not be bothered with someone like this, a complete waste of time moaning about the past and utterly boring, a past that actually had nothing to do with him anyway. Don't let him try and shame you or make you feel guilty or name call you, stand up for yourself why should he think it okay to call you a whore? and why do you have to feel bad? you have done nothing wrong, you did not become tainted because you lost your virginity, your only mistake is regretting it and making a big deal out of it, which enables him to do the same.
If he does not feel happy with sexuality then find a good xxxx that does.
Spunky Monkey
...............................
A
female
reader, Madalo 1  +, writes (5 July 2011):
We dont hang on to our mistakes. Him as your boyfriend is supposed to support you, not make you feel bad about something that you did long ago, which you cant even reverse.
His argument that if you were a virgin you two wouldnt be having sex is not valid. You dont have to be a virgin to decide that you'll have sex later eg in marriage.
Its really unfortunate that your bf should sometimes call you a whore, this can add to your guilt and reduce your esteem.
What was the right time for you to break your virginity anyway? With him? And if you broke up with him is the next guy supposed to call you a whore? Doesnt make sense.
My opinion is that this guy is not supportive, he doesnt have your back. If i were you i'd have serious thoughts about the relationship coz i'd want a guy who can be there for me rather than point fingures.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): There are some men out there who just can't handle their girlfriends' previous sexual experience. Having sex with one ex-boyfriend does not make you promiscuous!
If your boyfriend doesn't change, then you'll be better off without him in the long run.
But from now on, let the past stay in the past. Oversharing about details of your sex life is a major mistake.
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (5 July 2011):
 Tell him you hate it that he hates you were not a virgin. Tell him you hate it that he appears to be unable to forgive you for your mistake, tell him you hate it that he sometimes thinks you are a ho.
Have you told him that part of you wants to break of the relationship because of how he thinks of you? Tell him that as well, and take it from there, for this relationship to work he is going to have to let go of his impossible wishes!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2011): Well this shows that your boyfriend's very immature. He shouldn't be mad because you decided to live your life during a time where he wasn't in your life. He needs to get over himself and if he can't come to terms with it soon and understand that he's wasting his time feeling angry, then you should move on. You're with him now and that's all that should matter. The past is the past. Leave it behind and move forward.
...............................
|
