A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi, ok I have a SERIOUS problem. I've been madly in love with my boyfriend over the past year or so and we are having a child together. I want to make an extremely long story short so here it goes...we've battled drugs, and sex together. We've overcome many things in the past year and have come a looooooooong way, mostly because of me. I've been there constantly guiding him and keeping him away from the bad stuff. Well now that our child is coming, in less then a month we've been fighting a lot because of all the stress. He has told me before...i don't love you and I don't want to be with you. I'm not ready to commit and blah blah...I don't want to be a dad. Let's break up. Then as I pack my stuff ready to leave, he says no wait please...I didn't mean it! I'm just scared and I'm just confused. I love you and I'd be a fool to let you walk out of my life. I am just being selfish. A part of me still wants to fuck bitches and do drugs and party but I've come so far from that...we've come so far from that. You have shown me a new light and you have gotten me into college. ( he has always been extremely book smart he doesn't even have to try and he gets all A's. But when it comes to people and social situations...he is extremely stupid and does not understand...so that is where I've played an important role in his life.) So in the end, I stay because I didn't want to break up to begin with. I love him and I feel I've worked way to hard to let this all go to waste! He is a good man with good intentions for the most part. But lately we have been talking and he has been telling me some really scary things. And I am not sure what to do about it? He has told me that he fantisizes about brutally raping and beating someone. He wants them to hit and punch him while he thrusts them and holds them down and he wants them to cry and be scared? He has also told me that he is sure that he could kill an innocent little girl and not feel guilty! I was glad that he told me these things because I know that means he trusts me, but now I am scared. We are having a daughter...and she is coming really soon! WHAT SHOULD I DO? I LOVE THIS MAN! He is only 20...so I am not sure if all men are like this? HELP!
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (6 June 2008):
 Definately I would pay attention to the "Grave Mistake" part...
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (4 June 2008):
 Sometimes, some men may say crazy things at some crazy moments in their life ,
but whether they will act out their fantasies or not , nobody knows.
Most men don't think twice before they speak.
They speak what comes out of their mind without thinking how it would affect others.
The only thing you can do is to be vigilant for any signs of violence .
If you just act on this fantasy , you may make a grave mistake.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Sorry, after listening to the other aunts on this board, I must amend my statement. I'm ashamed to say that I am actually scared of this man and was too frightened to say.
Some men have violent thoughts of hurting people. But I don't think it's very common, and I've never heard a man say that he could hurt little girls. This man is scary, as TasteofIndia said I can heard RED FLAG Alarms going off in my head.
If I thought you'd listen, I'd tell you to run. Be carefull, be very carefull, I think this man could be dangerous. Please read this article by AskOlderSister and see if anything on here makes you think again.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/warning-signs-youre-dating-a-loser.html
To tell the truth, something about your whole post just dosen't sound right to me.
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums +, writes (3 June 2008):
Sociopath sounds like a very good description. if you are aware of him ever actually hurting any small animals in his past, psychopath might fit too.
I'm so sorry, Hun. I'm not being flippant, but all of the Aunties are right. A lot of us are mothers too, some with daughters your age - and none of us would want you to raise a baby around this guy. If we could, we would all come there and take you out of that house. Can you please call your family and get them to bring you home while you have your baby? You need to start making plans for yourself and your family. Stay safe and take care of yourself. Good luck, Congratulations and Take Care, Hun.
The quote that rhythmandblues2 was talking about is by Maya Angelou and it's Oprah Winfey's favorite:
When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them The First Time.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Those fantasies are big RED ALARMS going off in my head. Imagine, 10 years down the line, he's done something absolutely monstrous and you'll look back and say "well, at least he warned me".
He says he is capable of killing a little girl and not feeling guilty? Fantasies of brutally raping and murdering? You're about to bring a little girl into the world who (god forbid) could be on the receiving end of ALL his worst thoughts.
Please leave him. Not all men are like this - most of them are decent, loving, sweet men who will take care of you and your little girl and not give you anything to worry about.
I would say, leave the man. He needs a lot of therapy to clear his head....
Good luck (and congratulations on the baby)!
xx India
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): I don't think his fantasies of violence are at all typical of men except those who are offenders and are incarcerated.
He sounds like a sociopath to me and I would get as far away from him as possible....he does not have the commitment or maturity to be a father or a husband to you, cut your losses now and run as fast as you can....you may be saving your own life as well as your childs.
People ALWAYS tell us who they are if we will only listen.
Run don't walk.
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A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Oh and NO, all men are NOT like this!
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A
female
reader, I'llTryToHelp +, writes (3 June 2008):
Ok, I'm gonna jump in here and give YOU a little guidance, young lady. YOU ARE NOT HIS MOTHER! ASk yourself this VERY important question right now! Are you getting anything good from this relationship? From what you've typed here, the answer is a big fat NO! You need to start thinking of your baby and yourself and let him grow up and start taking care of himself. He is abusing you and your goodness! He needs to grow up and you can't help him do that.If I was your Mother, you'd be out of there so fast you're head would be spinning. He needs help and you can't give it to him. He has sat back and let you shoulder the burden for him, yourself and it will be the same when the baby comes. If things were getting better, you wouldn't be on here asking us for help.Are you going to listen? What do you know about his childhood? I'm not saying you should abandon him but what about his family? Where are they? Your family? He needs way more help than you can give him and I speak from experience here, honey.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Grant got it right pretty much.
Drugs can indeed screw with our minds as can alchohol and made us think weird and horrible things.
We don't all fantasise about something as graphic as that but we do have some strange ones (I fantasise about have sex in a graveyard sometimes).
But as he admitted these things it seems he trusts you and is honest.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): Your pregnant and the baby will soon be here. Your with a guy who you love and who has potential, but his past is pretty wild and he's taking drugs in the past... You've gotten him off drugs and into college.
But what will happen when the baby comes, will you have the energy to "constantly guide him and keep him away from the bad stuff". It sounds as if you will have two children to deal with, and that will be very hard, especially as one child will be a new born baby.
Yes men have fantasies, and yes they often have violent fantasies about killing and hurting people. I have no problem with his thoughts, however I am worried because he has told you what he is thinking. Usually thoughts like this are keep locked inside, they are only discussed when somebody feels they have a problem with the things their thinking. He wants to kill and hurt little girls, and he tells you he will do it. I think he needs to see a counsellor very soon to deal with his anger issues.
In the meantime you have a duty to make sure that you and your baby safe, if you feel that you are in any danger, then move out immediately and do not tell him where you have gone. If you think he may hurt someone else, then you have a duty to warn the police that you think he might be dangerous.
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