A
female
age
36-40,
*rish_rain
writes:My boyfriend and I have been dating for over a year. In the beginning, it was absolutely wonderful. We met online and talked for about 4 months before meeting. We live about an hour apart, and things were still great when we met, in fact things got even better. But after meeting, going back to talking online became a huge let down. Lately, it's been hard to talk to him and he's been overly cranky lately. He just bought a house and has been remodeling it. He says he needs space until he's finished and has told me not to call, email, or talk to him in any way until he's ready. This hurts my heart really bad. I love him very much and the fact that he doesn't want to talk to me or be around me cuts me deep. He said he loves me, but that our online selves don't mesh well. Which, I kind of agree with. He said that he was arrogant and mean, which is very true and that I'm superficial and boring, which is also true. I have a hard time socializing and talking with people, even him. I just wish there was some way I could talk to him still, without saying stupid things that kill the conversation and making him happy, rather than him being mean to me. I'm so confused and I don't know how to handle this situation or myself.
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female
reader, irish_rain +, writes (18 March 2007):
irish_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the question Before I give an update, I would like to thank everyone so much for taking the time to read what I've posted and give me their advice. Just knowing that there are people out there willing to at least listen really makes me feel better.Now, for the update. Things aren't necessarily any better, but they aren't any worse either. I do sometimes feel like he is jealous that I'm in college, but if anything I would think he would be proud of me and everything I'm doing. And like I said in my post before, I think he's torn between feeling proud and feeling jealous. I told him that I couldn't do the whole not talking for 3 months and that it was psychotic to even suggest doing that because you can't have a relationship if you don't talk. He didn't really act upset or weird, he acted like he sort of expected my reaction to be what it was. I called him yesterday and he called me back. I was extremely surprised. There have been many times I've called him and he didn't even call me back the next day. The relationship needs a whole lot of work. I do wish there was some way I could better explain my faults, rather than just point out his because I know I must have some, but it's hard for me to know and point out what I do wrong.Also, he wants to go to college, but I think he finds it harder for himself because he's been out of school for a little while. I try to be supportive, and my parents are even supportive of him and tell him that he should go to college if he wants to. Reflecting on this more and more, I think maybe it's not so much that there is something wrong with me, but maybe he's just at a point in his life where he's confused and the negativity from that confusion makes it seem like I'm not a good girlfriend. I know I'm not perfect because no one is perfect, but maybe I shouldn't be looking inward so much to figure out our problems.That being said, I'm a 19 year old hopeless romantic and after having put over a year into this relationship, I can't just walk away. I guess I should be more sensible about all of this, but I really do care about him. And I think he cares about me, but I also think he has trouble coping with confusion in his life.I'll keep posting updates regularly. I know you all probably think I'm completely foolish for not taking the majority of everyone's advice, but I just don't have it in me and I can't do something unless I know for sure that I feel right about it. And I really do appreciate your time and lending an ear, it really does make me feel better. Honestly, I came to this website thinking that no one would have any advice or care, but I was proven very wrong. :P
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2007): irish_rain, I have had a ray of insight from your last post. If I may, I think this guy is disturbed that you have a brain that will let you go to college, and parents that are willing to foot the bill, because they love you and want for you the best you can achieve. This guy is upset with that. He is working class, I am sure. He wants a wife who will be there for him whenever and whatever life deals him. He doesn't like the idea of you being in university for the next four years. Honey, this bloke is not for you. He knows he is out of his element here, too. That is what is making him nasty. You go on to school and go for whatever you want to do in life. Give this guy a nice send-off. Tell him your Dad and Mum just don't feel he is right,...and you must do as they say. You are still young and dependent on them.(this may be crap, but it is a good piece of crap to use). He may make a hissy fuss, but ignore it. He is not hurting. He is just ranting. He may say nasty things about you and your parents. Ignore those too. If he really wanted to better his own situation, he could. I know for a fact how easy it is for young dudes to get into training schools to learn a good skill,...if they give a s**t! Drop him like a rock! Friend Tom
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A
female
reader, irish_rain +, writes (17 March 2007):
irish_rain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, now I'm just even more confused. The more I think about the situation, the more hurt and angry I feel. I know he probably does need his space, but we live an hour from each other... isn't that space enough? And I feel like I should be saying "I'm your girlfriend. I deserve to be loved by you. You can't lock me away in the dark corner of your mind just because you want to." I don't exactly know how to approach him without being forward and possibly making the situation worse. Some of it is my fault at least. I'm 19 and I live an hour away from him. (I know, why get involved with someone so far away? I don't know.) My parents like him and don't mind us going out, but the thought of me driving to see him terrifies them because he lives in a MUCH bigger city than I do, so he's had to come see me. Someone mentioned they weren't sure how much on a personal level we were. Before this house thing (it started last December) we hung out probably every other weekend. And I do know that he really is buying a house and fixing it up because he showed it to me. It's quite the fixer upper, so it does need a lot of work. Whether if that's the entire story, I do not know. I just want to be loved, respected, and be thought of as a special person and I can't feel those things if I'm over here following orders to not talk to him. I've talked to my mother about this, and she thinks that I should just let him go. I also forgot to mention that yesterday my boyfriend and I got into an argument and that's what started this whole thing. Eventually, it got to a point where he said he didn't want to be with me anymore, so I told him fine and that we were done. I've never said that before, I've always just tried to calm his anger and make him see things my way. The minute I agreed and said we were done, he did a complete 180 and didn't want that to happen at all. And that's when he started talking about how much he loved me, but how "our online personalities don't mesh." In one perspective, I want to give him his space if it's going to make things better. In the other, I want to tell him like it is and fix this once and for all, because I can't sit over here and cry every 2 hours because I'm confused and don't understand what's going on. I sort of feel like he uses my situation against me. He's 21 and didn't go to college, but got a job working at a law firm where he makes a decent amount of money. I, on the other hand, just graduated from high school in 2006 and I'm going to college, so I don't work. Therefore, he has income and all I have is my parents. I feel like sometimes he thinks that what I'm doing is a good thing, but other times I think he feels like I shouldn't be living off of my parents so much. Either way, this does affect our relationship sometimes. I just feel like I need to have a backbone and confront him about everything, because you can't have a relationship if you aren't talking. Communication is the most important part of it, especially for us since we live so far away from each other. But I must admit that I am afraid of scaring him away by being so forward. I am a shy, timid person and I usually let people have their way without fighting and arguing with them. But maybe this is just once where I need to stand up for myself. Any advice?
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A
female
reader, tkay1032 +, writes (17 March 2007):
 I was going to try and awnswer your question but I think irish49 gave you wonderful advise and I couldn't put it any better!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): have never heard of a 'love' relationship going awry simply because online talking 'isn't' going well. When two people are loving and sharing something deep and meaningful-they usually can accept each others abilities or inabilities to talk and just be themselves, irregardless. And many a couple will tell you that in conversation, one or both can run out of things to say and it does get mundane, at times. So what! In fact, there is many a time--when I am with my partner-we just don't feel like talking..then so be it. There's a comfortable silence that we both accept.
If this man is being arrogant or mean to you, it clearly says he is bored and he's looking to you to freshen things up. That is cruel of him. This is not love,on his part, dear so don't be so fast to blame yourself here. This is 'entitlement' on his part. In other words he is saying "I'm bored..ho-hum-you aren't cutting it anymore for me-so I'm going to disappear, for awhile...see ya." What I am truly seeing here is a man you are not compatible with and no matter how much you try, he is hard to please. Men who love someone, "want more than anything' to talk to their beloveds, even if he does all the talking. He wants to brighten his day, he wants to be happy so connecting with the gal he loves, does just that for him! Sweety, he is not being attentive, loving or affectionate to you. Let this one go. Muster up your self-pride, your courage and leave him in the dust. And from now on, never, never allow anyone like this ass, make you feel less worthy. You are who you are..social foibles and all. Any man who comes into your life, take you as is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): irish_rain, it is often difficult to get to really know anyone on the net. You say you have met and "dated" and it was fine. You are not very clear about exactly how long you have actually known this man on a personal level. I would say that if he said he does love you, he is behaving a bit strangely. I can understand his being "busy". We are all busy if we work for a living. And building ones's own house can be a very involving thing for a bloke. Alright,...take him at his word, and don't call or e-mail for a while. If you don't hear anything from him within a "reasonable" period of time, within a few weeks at most,...let him build his house and live in it ALONE! This is one of those "romantic loners". He may like the idea of a loved one "somewhere out there", but he has commitment phobia. Try meeting people on a more personal basis. Get out and involved in your local area. Surely there are interesting people of the male gender looking for someone just like you. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, StellaBaby83  +, writes (17 March 2007):
 Hey irish_rain,
Firstly, I would beat yourself up about being "superficial and boring" and not knowing how to socialise properly. This is qualities that make up you. They are not bad, if someone can't appreciate you for your whole self then they aren't truly appreciating you.
Secondly, the fact he has bought a house and has asked you not to call, email or talk to him could be a warning sign that he may be hiding something. I say this because recently a very very close friend of mine had the same experience and went she did finally catch up with him when 'he was ready' she ended up finding out a secret that he would have never wanted her to know, thats why he was acting distant with her. I'm not saying this is the case here, I'd just be on your guard.
Finally, I think you deserve someone better than this. It sounds like your a really genuine person and thats rare to come across now days so hold your head up high and don't settle for second best. You can find someone better.
Take Care and I hope you work this out :)
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A
male
reader, charliejames  +, writes (17 March 2007):
 Dear Irish Rain,
Maybe there is someone else involved in this poor situation, so why don't you try to ask him straight out somehow. Or you could just let him be.
From A.A Charlie James
P.S Good Luck
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A
male
reader, charliejames +, writes (17 March 2007):
Dear Irish Rain,
Maybe there is someone else involved in this poor situation, so why don't you try to ask him straight out somehow. Or you could just let him be.
From A.A Charlie James
P.S Good Luck
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A
female
reader, Angie_22  +, writes (17 March 2007):
Look... all men have this space issue thing... at some stage in there lives they come to a point where life just doest add up... they need time to understand the changes they are going tru... dont demand or pressure him for anything... he will come back sooner then later appologizing for his bad behavior... you on the other hand now have a choice... are you willing to give him his space and wait for him untill he is ready, or are you going to move on... and about your issue on self confidance... get over it... my dear the world waits for no one... your harming your self and your potentials because your scared of rejection... stop.. That’s life... we all get hurt sometimes... face it... Life is 60% bad and 40%good... but it worth the pain...
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A
female
reader, clairebear +, writes (17 March 2007):
 why on earth is this guy that bothered if you call/email him has he got something to hide? i met a guy in chatroom long story short he was "chatting to" other girls all other the country, and even had the cheek to text me and tell me his "new girlfriend" was pregnant but did i still want to meet up??!!! I personally wouldnt trust a man online. i also find it hard socalising but that doesnt make me boring and im sure youre not either!! cut your loses and run your better of without him i know it hurts but try to join a class of some sort and try meeting people that way........
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