A
female
age
26-29,
*okidokiokiedokieclub
writes:I've been in a relationship with a man for 3 years now (me: 23f, him 24m). Our first date is a precious memory for me. We were talking online for weeks before we met because he was out of town at the time, and met up at a small restaurant. He was so nervous that he kinda just got slack jawed and glossy eyed. It was adorable, and me me feel so desired and attractive. His reaction made me feel like a princess in a fairy-tale.I've struggled with my self image for a while after some medical issues caused me to gain a lot of weight. He knows I'm insecure about this. He says romantic things like, "I didn't fall in love at first sight. I fell in love before we even met". Has said for years that that's why he was so nervous-- he's the type to fall in love with someone mentally, and the physical part follows. Since we were talking for a while, he says he fell in love with me before we met in person.Call me vain or petty, but I'm not the same. I think he's hot, and I want to feel attractive beside him. Just now we were reminiscing on our first date, and he said he was surprised when he saw me for the first time. I asked, "What do you mean?" "Well you didn't look like what I expected."So I said what I feared: "What, was I fatter than you expected?""...""Seriously?""I didn't want to tell you, but you asked."--He doesn't see the big deal. To him, I'm adorable, he loves me, and he says I'm sexy. But then at other times he says stuff like this, and I just feel so crushed. I feel like what has been a beautiful memory for me for 3 years was just tarnished. I'm just sitting here crying in my office, embarrassed to talk to him again while I feel so raw. Am I overreacting because of how hurt I feel? Am I being unreasonable in being upset for him saying that to me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2021): Typo correction:
"It's best [to] be mature and level-headed, when you want a relationship to last."
P.S.
If your weight was a problem with him, would he still be there with you?
He did not love you before he met you. Feelings aren't real until the two of you have met; and you have actually made an emotional-connection based on real-time interaction and spending time together. Actually getting to know each-other as more than images on a screen. You are two biological entities that require using the five senses to form a natural bonding as a pair.
There is no such thing as perfection. You're both human. You had a little extra weight when you met; but that didn't seem to a problem, until you made it one. In fact, you're the one who brought it up!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2021): I place a lot of emphasis on meeting my boyfriend but the reality is I didn't even so much as look at him when I was introduced to him and he thought I was ignorant but pretty.
I can see why you are upset BUT it is your insecurity and I have to agree when people send pictures or upload them they present the flattering ones, I know people who look absolutely nothing like how they portray themselves online, come on be honest you do too.
Its been three years so its working and going by what you have put he loves you.
I know loads of people who initially meet and it's not all hearts and flowers, love is not instant and it grows, he loves you as a WHOLE and not just about superficial looks.
Your three years together is special and the day you met was the start of it, don't dwell on it, the reality is you are not in some movie as a princess and he is human, you did lead him to answer something I think deep down you already suspected.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2021): I think you know you're overreacting.
Self-image is something you have to resolve within yourself. Seeking validation and approval from other people places you in a very precarious position. They may tell you what you want to hear; or they may be forced to be honest with you. If you're always seeking flattery or sweettalk, that makes you shallow and vain.
The guy has been sweet to you; and more importantly, he's seems monogamous. You've been together three years, without a hitch. Suddenly, he has burst your fantasy bubble. When will the relationship grow-up?
It's best be mature and level-headed, when you want a relationship to last. When you start sabotaging it with insecurity and demanding flattery; it turns it into nothing but assigning the guy the chore of constantly complimenting you, to appeal to your vanity and ego. If you have a relationship that works, don't shovel a pile of steaming-hot poop on it!
I think the sweettalk and silliness about being in-love before he met you is pouring it on a bit thick. You're not teenagers, you're adults. Sweettalk and speaking lovey-dovey is cute; but it turns sappy and foolish after you've heard too much of it.
If you've stuck together as a couple for three whole years, sweetheart...don't muck it up!
Do you want a boyfriend who really loves you, or just somebody to shower you with flattery and compliments?
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (16 October 2021):
 A lesson I've learned over the last 60 years...never ask a man a question that you don't really want the answer to unless you really are prepared for what he says. Men have a tendency to just be point blank and say exactly what they mean. Women will tend to soften answers and deflect. He said what you suspected...ok. Does it mean he didn't like you? Wasn't attracted to you? Apparently not. You are still together 3 years later and other than this you are happy. Stop making trouble where there isn't any and cut the man some slack. He told you the truth and it stung. Would you prefer he lied to you and then found out later that he lied? RELAX...Enjoy your relationship
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (16 October 2021):
 Perhaps, in future, if you don't want to hear something, don't keep pressing for that response? You virtually put the words into his mouth, then got upset.
Here's the thing: we all pick photos to share which show us in the most flattering light. Unless you are VERY self confident and have absolutely zero self esteem issues, you will always pick and choose the photos you choose to share. You will have sent this guy the most flattering photos of you - as would most people. If you had put on some weight since the photos were taken, did you think he would not notice?
Was he put off by your appearance? Quite obviously not. Did he like you any less? Doesn't sound like it. Does he care what weight you are? Again, doesn't sound like it. So why are you so "upset" because you made him verbalize something which was true?
Would you fancy him any less if he was slightly heavier? I doubt it. After all, he is more than how much he weighs, just as YOU are.
You have found yourself a wonderful caring man who idolizes you. Stop looking for problems where there quick obviously are none and enjoy your relationship. This man loves you. That's the bottom line.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2021): Was he exactly as you pictured him? Were there some things about him that were different to his profile picture? Probably. At least he was honest with you. He didn't say it was a bad thing, he didnt say he wasnt attracted to you. All he said was that you weren't as he had expected. I dont think you can punish him for that.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (16 October 2021):
Of course you're over reacting.... He's with you, he treats you well, says you're hot, etc. You're acting as if you being "fatter than expected" means something bad. Not everyone has the same negativity that you do when it comes to being overweight. There are plenty of pretty fat girls, thin girls, average girls, etc.
Not to mention people tend to take photos that hide their weight. So I would think your situation is pretty normal.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2021): Firstly, no mature person who is wise and rational can fall in love with someone they have not met. And they would have to meet them quite a bit before love can happen. Falling in love with an image or idea is a form of lust, nothing more, but when you do end up meeting it can become more. He ought to know this at his age.
Secondly, you seem to forget that some guys prefer large females, in some cases the larger the better. Some like huge, some would go to great lengths to make sure they get a large woman and even buy them loads of food regularly insisting they eat it so that they fill their fantasy. How do you work out that if you turned out to be larger than he thought this was a bad thing. He must like large to meet someone he knows is large.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2021): At your age it's important to look the certain way, but believe it or not it this desire to be perfect will go away as you mature. With that said that was jot smart of your boyfriend to say something like this to a woman in western society who value beauty by its weight.
If he is otherwise perfect, forgive him. Whatever he said, he loves you..that's all that matters
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