A
female
age
30-35,
*hmylove99
writes:I’m 32 years old, and im engaged to a wonderful man, however just recently I can’t stop thinking about a past love of mine and I hate myself for it.We are due to be married next year, have been together 7 years and we are honestly so good together. He's a wonderful man; I won't list the reasons why but basically just understand that this is an incredibly great relationship with lots of love and support.Thats why I cannot quite believe the thoughts that are going through my head right now. About 8 years ago, before I met my current partner, I went on holiday. During this holiday I met someone - lets call him Nick. Its a bit of a stereotypical holiday romance story. He was working at the hotel I was staying in, and we hit it off - im talking instant sexual chemistry and a connection. I didnt think much of it at first - everyone loves a holiday fling dont they - but it continued longgg after I arrived home and it became clear to both of us that I we had a deep connection.The more we got to know each other the more we realised it was more than a sexual interest and likewise for him too. It was intense. During the months apart, we would Skype every day, send letters, and we would speak constantly until the early hours about everything and anything. I didnt have a lot of money at this time in my life so going back to see him wasn't an option, even though I really tried. My parents were very strict on me growing up and although i was in my early 20s when i met Nick, I still lived with them at this point and I have to say they really did have an influence on me, and told me to stop speaking to him as it was having an effect on my future career (id just left uni and was trying to find a graduate job at the time. All i could focus on was getting to see him again and admittedly, it probably did effect my career motivation slightly) After a while, I called it off. To be honest, im not entirely sure why I did this. But I was young at the time and I think the thought of somebody moving their entire life to be with me scared me (he'd always mentioned moving here permanently to be with me), and Im ashamed to say I backed off and decided to cut ties. I loved him but I was going through a lot at that time - i was trying to find a job, I was struggling a LOT with anxiety and it was too much for me. Maybe in the back of my mind I thought it wasn't what my parents wanted for me either (ridiculous i know, but like i say i was incredibly influenced by them and all they wanted for me at this time was for me to get on the career ladder)We havent seen each other since then, and obviously since Nick and I cut it off, I then met my current partner. From time to time Nick has sent me a message - nothing dodgy hes always been respectful of the fact im in a relationship (he was also in one for a while but they split around 2 years ago now) - just general messages, birthdays, christmases, this kind of thing. He has confessed he still has some feelings for me before, but Ive never reciprocated the messages even though I have to admit he has drifted into my thoughts from time to time over the years. Anyway, I recently went on holiday to the place where myself and Nick met, and became overwhelmed with the memories of that time in my life. I feel absolutely ashamed of this because Im obviously in a commited relationship with my fiance but I couldnt shake these thoughts and I'll admit I began to wonder 'what if'. It bought it aaaall back for me.When Nick saw on Facebook where id been on holiday, he messaged me. I will be honest - I'd NEVER normally do this but I messaged back a few times and we reminisced about our time together. I havent told him this but Ive since spent a lot of time thinking about him, and I feel terrible about it.Like I say, my relationship with my current partner is fantastic, I love being with him and hes my absolute ROCK. Our friends and families are completely intertwined, its everything i ever wanted and we are literally like the same person. However I will admit the sex isn't as great as it could be. When we first met, although I liked him I didnt have that instant sexual attraction to him, it kind of grew as I got to know him. For the first 2/3 years the sex was amazing, but now after 7 years I have to be honest Im struggling slightly. I wonder if this is because i didnt have that instant attraction to him, but things in that department aren't 100%. I just want to say, I am not the type to throw away a relationship over sex either - for me there are more important things and in general I am happy and we have a good life. I've tried to pour all this energy back into my own relationship with my partner but even so, im missing that sexual spark on my part (it was like this before i even started thinking of Nick FYI!)Ive questioned whether this is why im thinking of Nick - as with him the chemistry was instant. But then it was much more than sex so I dont know. I know for a fact i will not cheat on my partner - even sending a message to Nick felt wrong and i struggled with guilt even then - but i can't lie i have wondered what could have been of my relationship with Nick. Theres a lot of what ifs going on here!!!What should I do ? Im overwhelmed with guilt and at the same time I need to decide what path to take. Part of me thinks i should not be getting married whilst im thinking this way - but Im not unhappy in my current relationship either. Am I still in love with Nick or am I imagining this?Im also panicking because Im now 32, and I want a family. Im running out of time and i cant be making rash decisions.Do I stay with my current partner, and maybe look into therapy for our sex issues? Or do I leave and possibly explore things with Nick, knowing full well it might not end well?
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male
reader, kenny +, writes (18 October 2021):
 I think you are looking at the relationship with Nick through the memories of a holiday romance. A romance that was short lived but carried with it the great feelings of being on holiday as well.
If you got with him and started a relationship the great feelings will soon start to dissipate and the realities of life will start to set in.
Leave this holiday romance in the past where it belongs and concentrate on your current relationship. I don't think that you would be to happy if your partner was still thinking of a previous holiday romance would you.
By your own admission you say that it would not end well if you explored things with Nick, and i agree, so leave it alone and start looking forward in your life and not back.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2021): Stop making comparisons. Each man has his own qualities, character, and merits. The profound question of "what if?" is that nagging second-guessing we always have to contend with when making a major life-changing decision. We have to overcome doubt, we have to fight indecision; and we have to be resolute in any decision we face that will change our lives for the duration. Your decision to marry this man doesn't only affect your life, it will also affect his, and the lives of your children. If the marriage fails, then you'll separate the father from his children.
You met Nick seven years ago. You were approximately 25 years old. You met under fantasy circumstances. He was a vacation-romance that lingered. You may attribute the feelings you think you have for Nick to some special-connection made; but most of it is sexual, and it seems mostly based on "romanticized feelings." It was good sex. It's nostalgic, and basically an imaginary love-affair, which occurred during a phase of your growth and change in your life. We can all look back, and can relate to that one person who stands-out among all the rest, when it comes to the best sex we ever had; but take into account that it was not our destiny to be with that person for life. If it were meant to be, you had seven years to make it so. Now you're scared, second-guessing, and doubtful; because sex with your fiancé ain't like it was with Nick. Nick never really had the chance or need to prove anything. Just appeal to your lusts and fantasies.
Girlfriend, get a grip!!! Ice cream now will never be as good as it was the first time you tasted it. What you reminisce and fantasize about tends to get better and better the more you dwell on it.
You can put too much emphasis on sex, and make it your priority; but you are 32 years old. You've got some life-experience under your belt, and you have some idea of what lasts, what's only superficial, and you know fact from fantasy. You are all grown-up now. You went back to "reminisce" on way-back-when; which was merely an escape from reality and responsibility. A time in your youth, when the mistakes you made had the rest of your life to correct. Back when youthful-inexperience could be used as an excuse for mucking things up. You're a full-fledged grown-up lady now; so you have to put daydreams and fantasies behind you. Nick is part of your youthful-fancies; and your fiancé is your present and future.
If you have recurring doubts about getting married, the wisdom is to postpone any further movement in that direction; until you have settled this decision in both your heart and mind. You do not marry for convenience, or for practical reasons; you marry for love, and the intent to do everything humanly possible to make it work. You are devoting the rest of your life to loving and being faithful to one person; and if you're unsure of that, and you can't stop feeling doubt...the wisest thing to do is not do it.
Love is the deciding factor here. Nick is a youthful-experience that made a lasting impression. Who's to say sex with Nick seven years later is the same as it was back then? Are you the same person you were when you first met Nick?
Get your head on straight, girlfriend! Don't go marching down the isle with Nick on your mind. Finding yourself lying in bed with a man you've made your husband; while thinking about a fantasy-romance. One that never withstood any testing, required no demands, and neither of you ever had to prove whether the love was lasting, or just lustful compatibility.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2021): As someone who has had long distance relationships I can weigh in on this. I think what you and nick had was like a fantasy. You are engaged and in a real time relationship with a man who you know inside out and yes you may be bored in some aspects but as you said he's your rock. This nick he could have come to see you. Hell knowing how most of these holiday romances go he probably swoons over lots of women, men like that are good at it. Keeping you hanging on in the chance you'll come back for more, making you believe it was deep and meaningful. Some men will only be attentive to get what they want. At the end of the day a woman who is happy and feels loved is willing to do a lot more than one who feels used. Forget nick and this holiday romance from years ago and focus on what you know is real and tangible.
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