A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:A male co-worker has been very close to me. He shares a lot of his private thoughts, fears and vulnerabilities with me. He tells me about things that have happened in his past, and also about his family members. Actually I've never expected a person to open up to me so freely. Since he's so open with me, I've also shared details about myself with him. He doesn't open up like this with the rest of the colleagues, male or female.It's been half a year. We can chat for hours online after office hours and many times past our bed time, but he has never asked me out. Though we've talked about practically everything under the sun, he has steered clear of the subject of love and relationships. I've fallen in love with him, and although I've been careful not to show it too much, I'm quite sure he senses it. Because of this, there is a tension between us. I don't want to be the modern woman who asks the guy to be her boyfriend because I'm quite sure it won't work. He's just an ordinary guy but I can feel that he's not easy to get. He could have easily got a girlfriend or married by now, but he isn't. He's average looking but there's something appealing about him. He's in his 30s.He's leaving the company soon but says that he'll be in touch. I think he meant what he said. I just feel sad that it's not the level of contact that I want. I want him as a boyfriend, not just a close pal.What should I do? Allow him to contact me and discuss about everything except the elephant in the room - us? Or tell him not to contact me anymore because I'll miss him even more this way? Do I have the right to force his hand, to issue him an ultimatum? Be mine or be gone? How can I make him want to be in an exclusive relationship with me?Please advise me. I feel so sad about this. My heart bleeds every moment. I wish he could be mine but I've always not been lucky in love, and so far, this hasn't shown that it is the exception.
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (17 October 2021):
 I have to wonder, could your lack of luck in love be down to you focusing on men who are unobtainable? Do you have a history of fixating on men who are unobtainable? I ask because, judging by the language you have used in your post, you are totally obsessed and fixated on this man who has not given you any indication that he is interested in sharing anything other than friendship with you.
You see the romance you wish for the two of you as "the elephant in the room" but it is in his interest NOT to touch upon the topic as the price could be the end of your friendship, which he obviously enjoys. If your profile age is correct, you are some years older than him. Perhaps this is why he feels comfortable opening up to you, because he does not think of you in romantic terms?
There is a huge discrepancy in your agendas here and you need to make a decision: are you prepared to settle for being friends with him, despite your feelings for him, or would it be less painful to cut ties and walk away from him? While all your thoughts and emotions are invested in this guy, you are unable to move on and look for someone who is obtainable.
Can you issue him an ultimatum? Of course you can. You can do whatever you wish but, before doing so, remind yourself that every choice you make comes with a price. At the moment you choose to fixate on a man who shows no sign of reciprocating your feelings. The price you are paying for this is the pain of wanting him in a romantic way but not being able to have him. What will hurt you more: sharing so much with him but yearning for more, or having him walk away and never hearing from him again? Only you can decide that.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 October 2021): Be careful about calling your feelings love. At this point you're infatuated. You haven't received any reciprocation of feelings of that type from him.
"Though we've talked about practically everything under the sun, he has steered clear of the subject of love and relationships."
Possibly because he doesn't have a romantic-interest; but really likes you as a person. Just because a person is candid, enjoys deep conversation, and seems relatable; doesn't always mean they are pursuing a romantic-connection. When it's obvious that a guy avoids any discussion of a amorous or intimate nature; meaning he's not sending any of those sort of flirtatious-signals, it's safe to believe he's not into you in that way.
Shyness goes but so far, but you've got to send some sort of signals; if you can't come right-out with it. You've admitted that he hasn't; and avoids the topic altogether. If you've thrown hints, and they're always a miss; he's not looking for love. Just a friend.
"Do I have the right to force his hand, to issue him an ultimatum?"
You can't force people to have feelings for you. You can only inquire into what their intentions are. You can ask if he'd like to go out; once he has left the company. I'd wait until he is no longer your co-worker; then there will be no professional clashes, or awkward misunderstandings that could cause problems on the job, should he reject your pursuit in that direction.
If the guy has never approached you in that way, how can you force his hand? You have every right to discontinue any further contact; if it isn't the kind of connection you're seeking with him. He has avoided the topic of dating for a reason. I would guess, because he isn't looking for a relationship right-now. If you think he knows you're interested in that way, but hasn't taken the bait. Curb your feelings and write this one off.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2021): Wait and see what happens when he leaves the company you both work for. He might not want to go out with someone he works with. The company may not be tolerant of a relationship happening on work time, so he may be waiting until he leaves to ask you out.
If nothing does happen after he's been gone a while, then yes, you will be happier in the long run if you tell him not to contact you any more.
I've been in the same place as you as have many others and don't worry, you will survive! It's not easy I know, but you will be leaving the path open to meet someone else you feel this way about and who WILL want to ask you out.
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