A
female
age
36-40,
*oconfused
writes:Hello. Recently the man I live with have been acting strange.We had a lot of arguments and he crossed boundaries and spent a lot of money from my savings account.We kinda broke up but we still live together because he said we should make it work.Recently I discovered he watches a lot of gay and a female porn and he has profile on gay date website.I am not proud to say this but I checked his history 3 days in a row when I could as he has passwords on laptop and phone.On all days he logs into that account and masturbates a few times a say on gay porn.When I asked him nicely if he is gay he started insulting me and denying. I am so hurt as he was giving me hope he wants to be a good man and start a family with me. I told him to move put of our rented apt he calls me names and tells me I insulted him by asking if he is gay. What do I do? I am so lost and alone. didn't discuss this with anyone..I feel ruined
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 Sorry but I lost you at " he spent a lot of money from my savings account ". Without your knowledge and / or agreement ? ( It would sound so ). Then all the rest is sort if a moot point. He crosses boundaries , he calls you names… and you still keep him around ? Because " he said " you should try to make it work ? well, of course he would say so ! finding another savings account into which he can dip at his pleasure may not be so easy for him !
I think you should just give him his walking papers ( for real this rime, not just " sort of " ) without worrying about his sexual orientation. Anyway, his reaction is explaonable ( not justifiable )- There are many men who have bisexual curiosities , which they won't aknowledge or admit . Some have homosexual fantasies , which maybe they will never translate into action ( although signing oneself up on a gay site is stretching the fantasy a bit further so perhaps he meant to live his fantasy IRL... ) but of which they are deeply ashamed. Of course when caught red- handed they will react with furious denial and pretend feeling offended.
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (18 February 2019):
Sorry but I lost you at " he spent a lot of money from my savings account ". Without your knowledge and / or agreement ? ( It would sound so ). Then all the rest is sort if a moot point. He crosses boundaries , he calls you names… and you still keep him around ? Because " he said " you should try to make it work ? well, of course he would say so ! finding another savings account into which he can dip at his pleasure may not be so easy for him !
I think you should just give him his walking papers ( for real this rime, not just " sort of " ) without worrying about his sexual orientation. Anyway, his reaction is explaonable ( not justifiable )- There are many men who have bisexual curiosities , which they won't aknowledge or admit . Some have homosexual fantasies , which maybe they will never translate into action ( although signing oneself up on a gay site is stretching the fantasy a bit further so perhaps he meant to live his fantasy IRL... ) but of which they are deeply ashamed. Of course when caught red- handed they will react with furious denial and pretend feeling offended.
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A
female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (18 February 2019):
 Oh sweetheart, I can feel how hurt, upset and confused you are, but you already know what you NEED to do. You have lost all trust in this man (no surprisingly). Whether he is gay or not is irrelevant in my opinion. What is relevant is that he is supposedly in a relationship with you but signing up to dating sites. You don't sign up to dating sites to chat to people.
You need to be strong, tell him he needs to move out and give him a date by which you expect him to be gone. Tell him the relationship is not working for YOU. It is quite obviously not working for him either, otherwise he would not be looking elsewhere. He is just hedging his bets and wanting to keep a roof over his head. Don't allow him to use you in this way. You are worth so much better.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (17 February 2019):
 You know the relationship is over.
You have snooped on him and found things you wither didn't understand or like, like gay porn. Which I don't know if many straight me watches gay porn, I'm pretty sure bi-sexual men might and men who are in denial.
Signing up for a GAY dating site, sounds like someone who is, AT THE LEAST, bi-curious.
You have straight out asked him if he is gay, which me denies. And OP, it really doesn't matter HOW NICELY you asked, you obviously asked him a question he isn't COMFORTABLE answering or doesn't WANT you to know.
Now that you know all this, maybe you should STOP banking on that "hope" that he will BE the man you WANT him to be. He isn't. OK?
And YOU aren't ruined. The hope and dream you had of a FUTURE with THIS guy is. You BOTH ruined it. Him by spending/stealing your money and doing shady things such as signing up for dating sites.
And you by snooping.
When you feel a need for snooping it's USUALLY when a relationship ISN'T working and either/both parties are looking for "proof" of what is going on.
He calls you names, he stole from you... you have had a lot of arguments and him crossing "boundaries"... and you STILL thought this was a good man to build a future with?
STOP sticking your head in the sand, OP
Time to end this drama and walk away.
YOU CAN NOT CHANGE this guy. So why WASTE any more time or emotions or money on him?
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