A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:a friend of mine has recently been summoned to court because a girl is pressing rape charges against him. supposedly he raped her at a party a few weeks ago, I was at the party and I don't remember seeing anything but he swears to god that he didn't rape her. I don't know what to do, do I support him and have his back? If he really did rape her I don't want to be friends with him but I also don't want to be the guy who abandons his friends because of a rape rumor. We've been really good friends for over 10 years, since we were kids. i dont think hes the type of guy who would rape someone but i have noticed that hes been drinking and partying a LOT more in the past 6 months or so than he ever has so maybe hes changed. i dont know what to do. he and i live together so this has really complicated everything... if he did rape her, i'm going to have to move out. If he's found guilty i definitely will move out (he'll probably end up in jail anyway, right)... but i know that a very small number of rape charges result in a guilty verdict (less than 10% or something) because its so hard to prove rape happened... its his word vs hers and i dont really trust him when he says he didnt do it... so if he is found not guilty, that doesnt really prove that he didnt do it, just that the court didnt have enough evidence to prove 'beyond a reasonable doubt' that he did it... rape cases are hard to push... so if he ends up getting off without any jail time... then i'll have to live with someone who probably/possibly rapes women... and i cannot do that...i am torn..... about what to do.. he's a good friend but lately i feel like I don't even really know him (cuz of all the partying) so i am only like... 25% sure that he DIDNT rape her... I have my doubts... the girl... shes not the "type" to lie (i know her, not very well, but i know her) and shes never accused a guy of rape before or anything. What do I do in this situation, do I move out, or try and believe him?
View related questions:
in jail Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): my boyfriend is being accused of rape...he suposidly raped my best friend while i was in the next room...yes we all had a few drinks and yes he admitted he cheated on me with her...she never yelled or screamed she stayed the whole weekend....bought him me and her a coffee the next day even went to the hospital on a sun to get pain meds so she could sell them it wasnt untill tues she called me and said chriss i feel bad me and sonny slepttogether but never mentioned rape...it wasnt untill she consulted her husband that she called me 30 mins later that she said her HUSBAND told her if she didnt WANT to have sex with him then it was rape...she 5 days later went and had a rape kit done and called the cops...he is now in jail on 50,000 $ bond and his and my nightmare begin...im pissed he cheated on me but he nevr raped her...she was always talking about how horny she was and even bragged about how a guy had fisted her once and she LOVED it...we cant get a lawyer so he will have to get a court appt one so i dont know hoe good his chances are...any advice???
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): As a man who has just recently been accused of rape I can tell you it doesn't matter the verdict. Rape is tough to prove but courts often make decisions on crocodile tears. My accuser is saying i raped her with one hand over her mouth. Someone tell me how then I was able to undo her belt remove her jeans undress myself and then rape her. Oh by the way no signs of trauma no signs of sperm. Its just her saying she was raped. If your friend did rape her then I guess its up to you to stay friends or not but honestly as I look around right now I can tell you im inoccent and I need my friends in my corner. His drinking may be because he knows his life is on the line and he doesnt know how to deal. Trust me being in this situation is a scary and lonely place. Dont judge till you are in his shoes stand by your friend.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2009): i am a girl who got raped last yr. and the guy who raped me sed he dint do it. i think every guy who rapes a female would say they did not do it. some how my family evn believed that he did not rape me. so think about the descision you make. dnt just believe what he says coz he will always say he did not do it .. all the best
...............................
A
female
reader, ...... +, writes (9 February 2009):
wow, i am a rape victim and the guy that raped me swears he didnt do it. i have the bruises and cuts to prove it, but all of my friends have turned their backs to me because he's popular and they say it was "my fault" and i "deserved what i got" just because they think i was the one that started it. i cannot believe that you are telling this person to stay friends with them, obviously this person has changed, and was capable of doing it. if she doesnt have a reputation of lying, why would she lie about something like this? it has to have ruined her life, and you think she did it by choice? thats the most insane thing i've ever heard.... if she has a reputation of lying and truly did blackmail people in the past then yes, be his friend until he is proven guilty, but if not, imagine that was your sister, what would you do then?
...............................
A
male
reader, Raymond +, writes (11 July 2008):
You should stand by your friend, even if he DID do it....that's what good friends do. Under the conditions described, it sounds like he's genuinly innocent though. And of course, there's almost no hope of conviction under circumstances such as this. Too many women "cry rape" for it to make sense to believe rape claims, without some substantiating evidence.
--Ray
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): Because a man is found guilty of a crime does not mean he is truly guilty. I've been to prison twice in my life as an adult....found guilty after a lengthy trial(both times) and found guilty by a jury of my so-called peers. I was not guilty at all, nor did I have any knowledge of the crimes prior to my arrest. Innocent men do go to prison more often then you realize. Also....like you I do not like rapist!During my first period of wrongly being incarceratd, at the request of another inmate....I was asked to assist a rapist in his legal matter. What I read....in a personal letter sent to this rapist....SHOCKED ME! It was a letter from his 'victim' who profusely apologized for his 30 year sentence. He never raped her. It took me almost 9 months before he was able to be freed, but keep in mind...he already served over 3 years. I can give you over 50 cases of innocent men incarecerated....but I can also give you 50 cases of men who truly deserve to be incarcrated.Stick by your friend......I know it will be hard...but support your friend till the end!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 March 2008): You seem to have a gut feeling on this...you say you wouldn't be surprised if he did rape a girl, so you must have seen some worrying actions he displayed towards women to think that. If I was you, I question him about the night. You got the right to do that.
Even if he did rape her, he be left off as its her word against his and well the rapiest nearly always wins in that case.
...............................
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 March 2008):
 At this moment , it all boils down to whether you believed
your friend did it or not?
If you believed your friend did it ,
then you should do what is appropriate.
You could be right or you could be wrong.
Since you have judged him guilty and do not give him the benefit of doubt.
There is nothing much to say anymore.
This is like mob justice.
You hang a man because everyone thinks he did it.
Your friend should be innocent until he is proven guilty.
The law may not be fair because it is stacked against the man.
There were cases of innocent men who had to go to jail
because the woman cried rape when things did not go their way.
It is easy to destroy a man's character by accusing him of
rape and whether he is guilty or innocent,
his character would have been destroyed.
When your friend is down , do you leave him ?
What if the situation was reversed and instead of your friend , it was you .?
How would you view your friend?
...............................
A
male
reader, medic999  +, writes (30 March 2008):
Right, couple of things, first thing is first, i work part time as a medic with an ambulance service in the UK and i do alot of '999' work - A, women and men alike either get so drunk they don't remember what's happened the night before and B, sometimes drugs are slipped into drinks and therefore sometimes their imagination is stimulated, women and men alike have imagined rapes hence why all over the world the prosecution authorities are so reluctant to prosecute 'suspected' rapists - such difficulty in proving rape.Secondly i am a full time law student at university almost finishing my degree - 4 times out of 10 (even 5/10 by now) statistically a woman (or a man) makes up a rape claim! this is either through hurt at rejection or frustration so although i am so cautious in saying this, it has to be said, the woman in your account may have had nothing happen to her, but then she may well have, that's for us lawyers and judges and the juries to decide! In terms of being friend you can only follow your heart, you do what you feel and instinctively reckon is best, if you feel you'd like to wait until the trial's outcome *if he is prosecuted* then that's good because in fairness if there's insufficient evidence or no conviction then you should accept that decision and people who STILL feel he is guilty are pushing things too far!You're obviously a great man and a fantastic friend and i know we all support and admire you for being strong and asking advice...just wait on this one, act normal, noone's saying be best buds and hang out, but, treat it with some understanding, people are arrested and charged everyday innocently, believe me, so....wait and see! :)
...............................
A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (30 March 2008):
 I disagree with the other aunt's opinions. The verdict is irrelevant. Though "innocent until proven guilty" is true, "friends until proven guilty" does not necessarily follow.
If you don't want to be his friend and/or move out, do it! IT's *your* choice. You don't want to risk things.
Irregardless of the rape charge, as you've said your friend has changed and you don't trust him anymore. That's sufficient reason enough to not be his friend.
Sometimes you've just got to follow your gut and go with it.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jamer70 +, writes (30 March 2008):
 Well rape is one of those difficult crimes
If hes found guilty by Law he committed the crime, but there are cases all over the world where someone is proven innocent later on through either the witness recanting or new evidence, and you can see these just by looking it up on Google
Basically im saying a guilty verdict doesnt always mean he is guilty, no system is perfect
Ill agree with Flynn24 here if he is your friend and you believe him, he will need you support as rape cases can destroy lives unessicarily.
...............................
A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (29 March 2008):
 I agree with the other posters. Drinking, can't remember much, sex takes place, girl can't remember or wouldn't do something like that is sober and has to place blame somewhere to justify her actions.
Now under the influence it's difficult to assume what really did happen. Did he get led on? Did she in a state of mind to properly make decisions? Did she say no? These situations are why, when out drinking it's extremely important to know your own limitations, to be with a friend who knows your limitations. If you say I'm not here to hook up, you both work together to make sure the other person does not cross their expectations.
Parties can get rough and people do things they don't expect themselves to usually do. It's up to each person to provide the proper protection and have common knowledge about themselves and their limitations so a good time doesn't turn into a negative affect of the action.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): i'm the original poster
yeah if hes found guilty, obviously he really did rape her
but just because hes found not guilty, that wont mean that he didnt rape her. what i am saying is, the vast majority of rapes go unpunished because it always turns into a case of he said/she said. and its hard to prove. so if hes found not guilty there is a still a good chance that he did it.
he's been acting weird lately, drunk every night which is so out of character. and he's always trying to pick up girls and everything. i wouldnt really be surprised if he did rape her, though i hope not because the poor girl doesnt deserve that sort of thing...
im in a dilemma here... i am completely against rape, i think its the most disgusting thing anyone can do... i cant support a rapist...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): IF he's been your friend for that long and you know him really well the ndon't give up the friendship . I think you should believe him until he is proven guilty . If he guilty then you should stop being friends but for right know I say to believe him.
*~VG~*
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): Wow.
Guilty until proven innocent huh?
I always thought it was the other way around, funny how I could make that mistake.
Look, he's been your friend for a decade you say? And you're willing to just throw that away on an unsubstantiated rumour? Do you have any idea how many women lead a guy on, have sex and then call it rape? Quite a lot.
And if he did rape the girl, then he made a terrible mistake and will eventually pay for this... if he isn't already.
You don't abandon friends, not when he could really use a friend right now.
Flynn 24
...............................
|
