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female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i was looking through my husbands computer and i found some porn movies i was shocked because i thought he stopped watching long time ago what should i do ? i will talk to him about , but how can i make sure that he doesn't watch again ? i feel like i cant trust him anymore ? what can i say to him to make him feel bad about him self
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): Clearly the poster claiming increased sex performance and frequency is linked to reduced porn use has yet to learn of the market in which males have it all sexually and won't leave porn alone.I want sex every morning and night, I'll do whatever, wherever, whenever, however. I hand my man a martini at the door after work and kneel down there. When he comes to bed I beat him to it with incredible outfits and heels, or sexy boots. I blow him where and when he says. I'm a 38 D, huge DSL's, looooong legs, with measurements 38, 27, 36. He proudly admits he has the perfect sex partner.With all that, my man still has a porn habit, knowing I feel it disrespectful to me. So, the notion of being a Sex Superstar for your man reduces his porn use, is erroneous.The claim that there is nothing wrong with porn represents only one market.So we go back to the beginning: whatever two people agree to, is an asset to the relationship. Wherever they disagree, it is a liability. Doesn't matter if it's porn, drugs, money, or if you both decide to worship goats, you just have to agree, or it distresses the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionour sex life is perfect thats why i didn't notice that he was watching porn . everything is ok except that .
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): You're mad cause your husband watches porn? How about he goes out and finds someone else? This is not that big of deal, he's a guy. Some guys need variety. Just be glad he's sitting at the TV and not out in some bar doing god knows what. Your husband is bored with your sex life. If he's not being the aggressor, do something sexy. Go buy a new tight fitting outfit. Or maybe, when he gets home from work one day, just throw him on the couch and make love to him. YOu can be sexual without even touching him! This may help get his juices flowing for you again. THen he'll start to notice you more. Good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 April 2009): I dearly understand the hurt and distrust you are feeling. I too turned off a button in my head to ignore it. I love him dearly but in the same sense don't want to be around him because of him looking at it instead of seeking me out.
He has really never came to me when he "wanted" any. I always had to be the aggressor and I just got tired of the same ole same ole and no pleasure on my part. We went to counseling, it didn't help one bit at all. Now for the past several years every weekend, he sits downstairs in his little room with his PlayStation 3, I recently found another porn disk he has gotten from god only knows where - and does his thing on the weekend. Me, I do what I want and am hardly home on the weekend and at nights when I get ready I do not wait on him anymore I just go to bed an take my meds to sleep. Its very disturbing to me. But if you can get a tail on this in the beginning then do it. Is it upsetting to me? yes very, I have tried and tried, he lies to me about it several times so Im tired of hearing the lies. Can I leave? sure I can but where can I go to? I can not work and this is my home. Can he leave? Sure he can, but id loose my home either way. Im 49 years old, no future to look forward to except my dogs and my home.
I pray that you can save yours cause as was said if you do not have trust and forgiveness in your marriage you have nothing. But count yourself lucky he still comes to you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks im working on it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 April 2009): You need to forgive him and give him another chance. If you keep letting him know that you haven't forgiven him, he might think there's no point in keeping his promise not to look at porn because he'll feel you are angry with him anyway. It's good you gave the example of how he might feel if you looked at naked hunks; it might make him feel inadequate and unwanted, just like it made you feel when you found out about his habit. Explain to him that you don't want him to get used to looking at other women so that you both know that you are always enough for each other.
I know it's difficult at the moment but a marriage needs trust and forgiveness to move forward. Try and let go so you can enjoy sex again, to remind both yourself and your husband that you only need each other to be happy sexually. Maybe even try something new in the bedroom? Talk about it and have fun.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni talked to him yesterday and told him that i'm going to try to trust him one more time even though it's hard because i did once and he betrayed my trust , but ill try to trust him one more time because i love him and to save our relation ship , i told him tht this is the last time ill allow him my trust and ih he violates it then i cant live with a lier .
he told me that he is never gonna let me down again ever , and that he doesnt want to lose me.
i hope this works out im feeling a little better now , still angry and upset but i decided to just let go for now.
thank u soo much you've been so helpful . i realy appreciate it :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2009): Maybe Pure Shade is on to an idea. Here it is: allow this one time to give up the pain and fear and replace it with trust and go with your husband's claims.
At the same time you may want to explain to him you are going to believe him and count on him for the SECOND time, and it will be the last time you will allow him your trust. Perhaps you can explain what WILL happen should he violate your trust again, both in lying and in breaking a commitment.
What do you think effective consequences could be, if any, to lend you peace from this point?
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reader, pure shade 5  +, writes (13 April 2009):
 u know porn is like drugs u try it once and u are addicted it was hard for me to quit but once i did i felt really good about my self it has been about 3 mounts science i have seen my last porno...just last week my girlfriend gave me a choice porn or making out with her and i chose the making out and sometimes i get the urge to look at it but then i remind my self how much it hurts the people u love... \here is the deal porn and masturbating can last a few minuets or 1 hour u know but the people u love and care about can be with u till they die...u just have to choice witch will be the greatest thing if u love porn then keep it...if u love your friends and family then u should be able to give up porn for them...trust me it is worth it in the bed room
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's been almost 10 days since i discovered his porn use . and so far he is not watching any because i do search his laptop everyday check the history and everthing .
nothing yet.
maybe because it's only been 10 days and after a while he might get back to it .
my problem is that i can't leave the house without thinking about what is he doing ? is he watching porn ?
i just cant have a normal day. and i cant have fun going out with my friends because of those thoughts .
i've been so distracted lately .
he told me that porn is not important to him and that it's "nothing comparing to his wife" .
he keeps telling me how im the most important thing in his life , and how he is not gonna bother me anymore , and that if porn is going to ruin our relationship he would never get back to it .
what bothers me is that im not having fun having sex with him anymore, i dont want this to happen we've been married for only 1 year now .
i want to have fun and just forget about it but i cant.
i think now im gonna try to love him anyway and just talk to him one more time to tell him that ill try to forget only because i love him but that doesnt mean im ok with him watching porn, ill tell him that if i found out that he is using porn again then i might just leave everything.
what do u think ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionit's been almost 10 days since i discovered his porn use . and so far he is not watching any because i do search his laptop everyday check the history and everthing .
nothing yet.
maybe because it's only been 10 days and after a while he might get back to it .
my problem is that i can't leave the house without thinking about what is he doing ? is he watching porn ?
i just cant have a normal day. and i cant have fun going out with my friends because of those thoughts .
i've been so distracted lately .
he told me that porn is not important to him and that it's "nothing comparing to his wife" .
he keeps telling me how im the most important thing in his life , and how he is not gonna bother me anymore , and that if porn is going to ruin our relationship he would never get back to it .
what bothers me is that im not having fun having sex with him anymore, i dont want this to happen we've been married for only 1 year now .
i want to have fun and just forget about it but i cant.
i think now im gonna try to love him anyway and just talk to him one more time to tell him that ill try to forget only because i love him but that doesnt mean im ok with him watching porn, ill tell him that if i found out that he is using porn again then i might just leave everything.
what do u think ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2009): By the way I want to share my thoughts on something you said: "He told me that i should try to forget because he sees that im not even trying and that im doing all of this just to bother myself while i can just forget about it and have a new start."If one were to roll into a Women's Center and sit with an advocate/counselor, that person would typically tell you that your husband's comments show you are communicating to him desperateness and submissiveness in spite of his disrespect. Because if he feels empowered enough to tell you to get over his ACTIVE disrespect and move on, he is trying to control you. They would also say that when he tells you you are not even trying while you are actually working within your own understanding to get past it, it is a controlling move:switching the focus onto you and off of his disrespect. They would say you are the victim: you were always being lied to, and he has zero comprehension of how badly he abused your trust. That's them - and then my opinion is it really ticks me off he's trying to distract you by pressuring you to make a new start. Excuse me, but wtf??? YOU make the new start? YOU? So in other words, he keeps it up, then doesn't make a clear lifestyle change to respect you, and demands that you are the one that has to adjust in order to deal with the issue. Deep breath... Lettin' the Zen in... Anyway, I really wonder how your story is going to turn out. Like I said, yes the porn part totally blows, but that deeper cut is realizing he thinks it's okay to have a perv secret and lie about it day after day...and then put it on you to live with it. I really think some men need to happenstance on their wife's huge library of men's genitals and men's solo videos and hot nude males by the pool, on the veranda, spread out in the shower, etcM and others and then realize their wife was lying for years about it. Just thoughts -
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): I have no knowledge of any man who gave up porn. Neither do I know of any reported cases of the same.
So in answer to your question: Sadly, no.
Do I choose to accept this as a fact of men? Yes. Do I find it acceptable in my partner? No.
I see how destructive it is in my relationship and choose to accept the damage it's doing and this sounds crazy, but I daily look forward to when it's over. Until then, I'm just doing my job of whatever it is to be the perfect little partner in order to survive.
I have a friend who discovered her husband's porn habit and was just like us: hurt and angry for a long time. One day she decided she's okay with it. My theory is she pushed a button in her head and decided to not care and love him anyway. I also know of one girl whom gladly accepts her husband's porn use, but she also turns a blind eye to his heavy cheating, so however you want to interpret that.
What are you going to do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni really appreciate you keeping up with me - thank you !i told him that im struggling with it and that everything in sex just reminds me about it .he told me that i should try to forget because he sees that im not even trying and that im doing all of this just to bother myself while i can just forget about it and have a new start .i told him that i can never forget but maybe after a while it just wont hurt this much .remember i told u that i thought he stopped for a while and then got back to it recently , well i was wrong yesterday i was checking his laptop again and i found another folder that has some of his porn videos , i checked the dates and i was shocked that he has been doing this the whole time .do u think any guy can possibly stop watching porn after he is used to do it everyday ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): Hi Sweetie,I hope I didn't communicate what Passionatelynumb thinks: that denying sex puts him back into porn, and I have sex to keep the b/f from cheating, for neither of those are true. So I hope to clear that up for you.You continue to wonder how to impress upon your husband he is not forgiven for his porn use. Well, maybe you can just quietly and kindly explain to him exactly that. Just say you love him, and you don't currently see the end of your disappointment and unforgiveness and you are open to fixing this in your heart because you love him. Could you tell him that sometimes when you have sex with him you are struggling with these thoughts and still working through it all?I do appreciate the input on getting counseling. Maybe that's a nice start.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know its wrong to do this and to deny his sex . i really don't want to because the truth is that i want him all the time and i love him but i thought it might make him never go back to porn again , if he feels that his wife doesn't want to have sex with him . but apparently i was wrong. the problem is that i don't want him to think that i forgive him for his porn use. but i can't seem to find the right way.we do have a happy and peaceful life.and we never had this kind of problems ! i think right now the problem is me showing him im not attracted to him any more. because every time we have sex i have these thoughts in my mind that he is not thinking about me when we are having sex .i don'y know i might be wrong about this but its how i feel.he keeps telling me that he loves me and that he is sorry .but i didn't want to let go easily.what should i do ?should i let go ? or i have to find other was to show him that i don't forgive him?
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reader, passionatelynumb +, writes (10 April 2009):
 Hmmmm, I highly recommend going to see a marraige counselor together. By the way you are treating your husband, whether or not he deserves it, you are only increasing your chances that his eye will wander back to porn or worse a real human girl. I understand where you are coming from, but put yourself in his shoes for just a moment. He is constantly being immasculated by having the porn thing rubbed in his face. Then you deny him sex because he looked at porn. If it were me, that sort of situation would have me running to the computer for porn just to escape what sounds like a miserable marraige. I am not saying its right for him to do it, but that's what I would be doing. Like DCGurl said, you've pretty much made porn his only outlet for sexual gratification. How long do you think it will be before another women comes up to him and offers real sexual gratification? Will he be able to resist the temptation then?The other thing that worries me is something that DCGurl said. She explains that she makes it clear to her boyfriend that she only has sex with him so he won't cheat on her basically. And that she no longer needs it herself nor enjoys it. Even worse, she tells her boyfriend that she is no longer attracted to him. Now that is very worrisome becuase if I were him, I would quickly lose interest in the real sex with my mate and would go right back to porn because at least then the girl on the screen looks like she's enjoying it. (or at least we can imagine that she is.)Men need to feel wanted. Especially, their mates. What happens when a girl comes up to him and makes him feel attractive again. What if a girl comes on to him implying that she actually wants to have sex with him instead of merely tolerating it. That could be a hard temptation to pass up, depending on how long he had been feeling unwanted in his own relationship. Again I'm not saying that what he did or could do is excusable. I'm just saying that two wrongs only make the situation worse. That's why you and your husband really need to talk this out with a counselor, becuase right now, if you keep belittling him, resentment will build until he either walks out on the marriage or cheats.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): So I totally relate to everything you just said. I understand what it's like to surprise yourself by inventing and researching ways to cope with losing trust in one I love, and finding ways to deal with the pain of it all. And isn't interesting how the older we get we find ourselves choosing actions we never dreamed we'd see ourselves do. I hope I don't step on your toes when I say the following, I just want to share what I have seen as consequences to your current way of handling it all; give a heads up in case these consequences take shape in your life. When you deny your husband sex it may build a resentment toward you. Men's sexual physiology is very demanding. Their bodies must dispense X amount of ejaculate every X amount of hours or days. It's just the way it is. Nature was really mean to them this way: set them up to crave, want, need, yearn, ache for sex. So therefore they are basic animal forms: their number one physical role is to regularly dispense sperm. Sex is on their mind constantly because the cravings course through their system ruthlessly. So for them to get hard by any visual is not only pleasing to them, it's biologically normal. That said, there's no excuse for the man who promises himself to one woman and diversifies his desires beyond her then lies about it. So when you withhold sex, it may be viewed as you backing out of a contract with him, and thus he can be resentful. Young couples may unknowingly be writing a list of judgements against the other and they build up one experience at a time. The fundamentals of the list building and perpetuating is judgment. The signs of judgment are many: unforgiveness, loss of faith in the other, vengeance (that's what I do when I check men out and I frankly don't like that about me but that's another story), on and on. So what I'm saying is, it sounds like you may be starting the classic case of one small thing building on each side a day at a time. With my bf I have made it very clear that I participate in sex with him as a service because I understand his needs, and I am cery clear that the reason I am not turned on by him is due to his maltreatment and his non-interest in sexually pleasing me. And that too is another story. Although as we discussed I am preparing to add more frequently my true thoughts about his porn use in order to respect me. It sounds like you are at the start; one year of marriage, and going through some first rounds of challenges. For your sanity, keep clear and thorough communication in a respectful manner and hope for the best. That's what helps me go day to day for now. You will likely be saturated with the shock of discovering he lived a lie for.a year for awhile. It makes you question everything else he communicates; it's not the porn as much as realizing he went day to day lying. It also makes you kiss him goodbye in the morning and instead of the classic feelings of love, that's replaced with, "I wonder if he's going to surf porn today, lie about it, and what else does he lie about?". And then he comes home and you kiss him and you think, "Is he about to be honest with me as he describes his day?". It's how it goes for awhile. The only recovery is by choosing to let it go, and for almost everyone that choice is made ONLY by seeing him naturally pass off opportunities for porn use or any violation to your agreements over a sustained period of time. There is no other way. That is why some people spy on their partners because they are actually hoping and looking for their partner to achieve a life without what hurt them, and without the desires for what hurt them. All of us want to see our partners in action loving and respecting us in all times and places with or without us. What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim really happy im having this dialogue with u im feeling much better about this sharing it with someone who has the same problem....thankswell im starting to live my normal life now ! and whenever i do something he doesn't like i just remind him about his porn use ! and sometimes i'm using ur way whenever he wants sex i tell him that i dont feel attracted to him after what i saw in his computer , maybe when i forget about it , which i never will .but he keeps saying he is sorry and this time i feel that he really regrets i just dont know if im suppose to believe him or no ?!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): Those are great questions it is so nice you are interested in this - thanks. The relationship is horrid. He thinks he has it good; he always says he's the luckiest guy because of my body and sexual performance and my kind heart. He tends to overlook that I've also given him a house, bought him a car, bring him coffee and breakfast in bed every morning and listen to him every time he has something to say and so much more. I think I have it bad because he has a rage problem, control problem, he's a flirt, he's secretive, lies about everything, and is constantly scoping women in every availability which is porn, public places, and then macks on women during work because his location is optimal to heavily associate with women in career and lunch hour. His verbal abuse and using my credit for all his material dreams really wears me down. So to answer your question the relationship is very bad and it began with the discovery three years ago of his honesty problem which is demonstrated in his "secret" porn habit and some other mack-on-chicks life he has going on. Many people tend to think porn is not bad. Well, in my life it is. Because what it did is desensitize my partners about what true affection is, it made my partners believe that all of the acts performed in porn please women when in fact they do not, and finally, it created a perception of women as sex objects. These things have served to damage my relationships. I have a best friend whom just yesterday filed for divorce because she is tired of the way porn corroded and acidically raped her marriage of dignity and sacredness. I too am leaving my bf soon because the seeds of dishonesty and sexism planted in his heart from the beginning and perpetuated by porn have grown beyond what I will tolerate. We rarely have romantic nights. If we do, I'm just an actor, feeling nothing when he touches me as I merely smile and pretend while the thought, "This is my way of surviving" roll through my mind. He'll be on and in me and that's my worst part because I know that he's not thinking of me, thanks to all the movies and images he finds so stimulating, and I just want it to get over with and wish someone was just loving me, just me. I never mention his porn habit. I'm not a nag and I don't believe in pointing out faults because I know what it does. The most I'll do is reciprocate any accusations about my porn use with the same statements he would make. I don't talk to him about porn because I am certain it will do not good. Through all this I learned the most I can do while in this prison is just represent my own thoughts and feelings as I go along, and since you and I started our dialogue, I have a new goal of putting forth my true feelings about his porn habit as they come to me, and when needed, and I think this will at least serve to keep me sane. What kind of a game plan, if any, are you starting to or have formed?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow is ur relationship with ur BF ?
do u still have some romantic nights ?
do u have those days where u dont mention his porn uses at all?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionummm.. thats a good question .. i think i would appreciate him being honest about it from the first day ! actually i knew that he watched porn after 6 months from knowing him but i thought he stopped when our relationship became serious ! because he told me that he stopped !i think he stopped for a while and then got back to it !every time i think about him being stimulated by other women i feel sooooooooo mad and sooooo angry !!!this feeling i have inside is killing me ! sometimes i find myself crying befor going to sleep ! i know i shouldn't but i when i asked him why did u do that he told that there is no reason but when he finds himself having a free time when im out with friends or something he feels bored and starts to watch porn !
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2009): I appreciate your question: "...how can i be normal with him and tell him that i love him but still show him to that i have not forgive him ?" Because I relate to that; I don't want to communicate that I accept nor tolerate his choices, but I also want to hold my own integrity and happiness.
So for my own self, to keep me going, I hand back to him his violations whenever he starts to criticize me. My bf is highly critical and demanding and loves to point out faults and weakness, so when he criticizes me for looking at men in a restaurant, I hand back to him exactly what he does to me. He'll say, "I saw you checking some guys out at the bar." and then I fire back what he does to me: "I don't know what you're talking about." Then, when he criticizes me for my Playgirl.com viewing, I say, "Were you able to pay the $65.00 porn bill last month?" When he comes after me for liking other men's bodies I say, "How are all your slide shows and movies from your brother working out?"
I'm afraid this may not apply to you because your husband likely doesn't criticize you nor need to approach you about other men. In your case, with what seems like your kind and loving personality, you may benefit from continually being frank and open about your current state regarding his porn use. You may find yourself wanting to say to him you want to fully give yourself, and you're struggling with letting go of the images you saw, and imagining him being stimulated by other women as well as his own hands. But I really think your main issue is in your title: Trust.
Let me ask you: If your husband, from day one, like first date day one, always told you he looks at porn and masturbates to it and openly admits to all his porn involvement from first date to chosen mate, would you trust him today?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni think it's better to say that ! i was thinking that im not gonna say it before having sex ! but when he starts ill just stop and tell him that i cant do this because i feel so disgusted from him watching pron , i was gonna do that but i was afraid that by the time goes on our sex life will be ruined , what do u think ?!
you know i love him so much but i still want to show him that i am hurt !
he is being better than ever now after i knew about his porn ! he told me that he is never gonna watch it again because he doesn't like to see me hurt ! and he doesn't like to see me mad at him !
its been 4 days now and it was very tense between us !
when he kisses me or hug me i just feel like i want to kiss him too and tell him that i love him , but i dont want him to think that i forgave him about it !
so how can i be normal with him and tell him that i love him but still show him to that i have not forgive him ?!
any ideas ?
oh and i'm realy glad to share this with u :) you've been realy helpful :) thanks
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): I am grateful to hear another woman state she is not attracted to her man due to his porn use. Thanks - I don't feel so alone on it. Of course I think it's normal to feel that way. My next step is to state my mind about not being attracted to him as the thoughts come and be more forthcoming to him in this regard. I am not going to expect a change, I am hoping for relief by virtue of my openness in this matter. Like, when the "Unattraction Episode" hits I see myself saying, "Gosh honey, I know you want to get it on right now, so I'll level with you: I'm struggling with not being attracted to you because I've been thinking of your porn use and those thoughts seems to wipe out my sexual desire for you."
What do you think?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni know what u mean , i dont feel attracted to him when i think about him watching porn . recently i find my self thinking about it even when we are having sex and i feel like i want to stop , because i cant imagine him looking at other girl's body and masturbate .
is this normal ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): Hi -I'm watching your case closely because it hits home with a current issue in my home with my live-in boyfriend's porn addiction.No they don't stop, not in my theory. I have many friends whose husbands were discovered, the whole thing went down for discovery, hurt, anger, promises, penitence, etc.I have learned it is unwise to believe a male will stop a porn habit. I don't know of any case histories wherein a man gave up porn. Maybe there are some fellow male posters here whom can state otherwise...My husband and boyfriend never stopped, always hid it, and I've chosen to accept they will always do it. I'm so sorry if this is cynical, but I don't know of any testimony showing men stop their porn use. Also, "getting" someone to change a porn habit brings frustration.So one can either put up with it by staying with him, or not put up with it, imo. My response has been to view nude males at my own will instead of turn my eyes away. Also, I allow myself full view of men anywhere and anytime I want just to keep the playing field level. Even while I write this I think it is a juvenile response, but I would go insane living in a one way street, living his double standard.The other thing I do to cope with it is accept that I am not attracted to him because of his porn use. I really don't feel attracted to him when I think of his porn habit. I tell him this, but my problem is he keeps doing it because he does not have any negative consequences for his habit.I think I just keep looking toward the day when I am no longer with this guy and I'll have a man who doesn't feel the need to throw his affection around to porn and other women, and that keeps me going too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhow can u get him to stop ?
my husband and i have been together for 1 year now i trusted him so much now he says he is very sorry and he will not do it again !
how can i be sure that he's not ?
did ur husband stop ?
what did u do ?
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reader, 22confused  +, writes (9 April 2009):
I know how you feel my husband is doning the same thing we have been together only to years ago but i thought he stooped but the other day i went and found porn in the history again maybe we colud work on this together i have a few things i tryed to get him to know where i was coming from you may mite not agree but it works you wan't me to go on?
from 22confused
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmu husband is a geat guy he is so loving and caring ! i know he loves me soo much ... thats why i was shocked when i knew !
i love him so much and he loves me and i dont want to do anything stupid to ruin this!
and u guys have been so helpful...thank u so much!
i think its a realy good idea to ask him to tell me if he re-lapses !
i realy hope that he is not addicted to it and that i caught him just in time !
thanks again for ur help guys :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2009): I appreciate your openness about how you are still getting over it. I think it's normal to continue your doubts even after he apologizes. Quite frankly, an apology doesn't go as far as evidence.
So I think you can get past your apparent distrust through time; provided you find evidence that he rejects the opportunities to view porn and second, keeps his promises and shows he's an honest person.
How to feel sane until you know he's true? The best way is to believe him and have faith him. If you keep doubting him, you'll perpetuate your misery. If you forgive and forget and believe in him, you'll likely feel happy.
I think you should give up the texting part. This really can cause someone else to feel imprisoned or paranoid, so I would be careful there.
Just to be intelligent, the risk of him breaking his commitment plus looking at porn is very high. I'm just trying to be realistic. Therefore, have a game plan: know how you will respond should this situation repeat itself. Set up precisely what you will do that is productive and takes care of you should history repeat. Know your plan and follow through.
Hope this helps,
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank u soo much guys for helping out ... i talked to him and we was shocked that i found out .... he cried and begged me to forgive him and promised that he is not gonna do it again ! he told me that he regret doing it !i told him to imagine looking at nude men's pictures ! and i told him how i feel ! he was very sorry !but i still feel hurt ! and i cant stop talking to him and texting im about it even when he's working ! he told me that he said he was sorry and that i should close the subject ! but i still cant !what should i do ? should i act like i forgot about it ? and try to act normal ? which im not !
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 April 2009): tel him how it makes you feel, its hard but if he respects you he can stop. He is an addict. I didnt even know my own hubby was an addict till after 7 years of marriage. How betrayed was I? He was looking at it just after we were married, I never knew. They are good liars thats for sure. It came to a massive head after my second child was born as he had been doing this through both my pregnancies, never wanting sex from me...I felt so low.Then I got depression and he had to face up to the fact he was causing it and we had counselling etc.The best advice I can offer is talk heaps about what you both want dont let it get as far as it did with me. Good Luck
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): I see why you are hurt or angry. My boyfriend moved in to my house three years ago and he was heavily addicted to porn and I didn't know it. He was a con artist, so all of his lines were so believable: "I don't watch porn", "Porn doesn't do it for me", "I don't look at porn because it disrespects you" on and on.
Then one day I realized he was lying the entire time. He had a steady stream of it in his life; slide shows, movies, every kind of image. And he lied and he lied to cover it. I never asked him not to, I never complained. The most and only thing I did was ask, "What purpose does porn serve you?" and from that question he completely lost control and screamed about how I'm controlling and trying to change him and then went into a denial fit yelling about how he doesn't look at porn and I was accusing him. Evidence doesn't lie. When I open my own laptop and see a slide show of female genitals, I know I didn't put it there, and not my nine year old daughter. When I see downloads that he asked for from friends and online acquaintances of everything imaginable, it hurt that he is attracted to other women, but the biggest cut is realizing that for years he lied to me. A lie is a lie no matter what it is about. It always hurts and destroys and the discovery of it is painful and you want to sit and unravel how were you fooled, and what else is he lying about?
So I think the biggest pain is realizing you're with a liar. That's huge. Because every time after discovery, you doubt everything they say.
So what to do. It's true you can't make him change, and you can't stop him. It's not fair to you to even try. Just like anything else, he's going to do what he wants whether you find out or not.
Since you've decided to talk to him, I would deff include in the dialogue a turn the table approach: I would say to him, "Think hard about the following: you find on my computer lots of images of male genitals. You see every shape, size, color, texture, firm, flacid, shaved, unshaved. Imagine me combing through those photos, and I enjoy them. Imagine me watching longingly big, hard biceps and pecs and lats and huge shouldered scrumptious men. Think of me imagining myself having sex with these guys, and I like it. Think about it. Is that all right with you? And please tell me why."
I think you can go ahead and ask him to commit to not watching porn again, but he's already lied to you, and you may set yourself up to be hurt that he again didn't keep a commitment.
When I was married upon discovering my husband's porn use, I took a day and then quietly said to him I found his pictures and asked him if he needed anything from me at all regarding the matter and he said no and then I just let it be forever and never talked about it again.
I mean what do you do - we are all free to choose.
So along that line of choosing, I finally chose to not be hurt and then I chose to allow myself the same liberties as my boyfriend of looking at men in public and in porn and threw away all the hurt and all the guilt and chose to be happy anyway.
Hope this helps, if not please let me know how I could have answered this better.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhat made thought that he sttoped is that he told me he stopped , that was one year ago !
we had a fight and he told me that he is going to stop !
but he lied !!! thts why i cant trust him anymore !
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 April 2009): Attempts to change his behavior are typically unwelcome and almost always unsuccessful. You will also be setting yourself up for disappointment. What made you think he stopped porn?I've found that men I know don't give it up even when discovered and agree not to. Try asking him what he thinks of you looking at nude men and fantasing of you with other men. I know this sounds really juvenile, but he may know how you feel about it if you take up the habit of looking at male solos and nude males. I was pleasantly surprised at the results of doing what my boyfriend does. He never stopped his porn habit, but he no longer has a double standard about what I should and shouldn't do regarding looking at other men, for one thing. That's been nice. I also appreciate how doing what he does keeps my feelings of frustration away.
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reader, -NothingLasts4ever- +, writes (6 April 2009):
 Why do you want to make him feel bad about it? If you said to him "please don't watch anymore porn" then I would understand but by the sounds of it, you just assumed he had stopped watching it. By that, you got it wrong.
And the not trusting him bit is the same. If he said to you he's not watching it anymore then okay, I understand it. But if he didn't, you can't really use that. It's just what you thought.
x
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